Ramblings of the Donut

Painting Red

2011-08-02T02:13:00.000-07:00

I want to paint but I only have red, and I don't really have anything to paint on.. so I guess I'll just blog instead :)

Another year, and another empty room with clear white walls. Another struggle to carry boxes of nothingness to the next empty room. And another reason to reflect on moments gone by. It's difficult not to refract back to my thoughts so I guess I should just give in once again...

It's funny how one's ideals are formed. Are you left or are you right. Is left right or is right wrong? What would be the most pleasing thing to say and how could I say the right thing so that I get to be a part of the gang. It's difficult when you speak another language and people look to your words to look at you and in the process you are lost to everyone but yourself.

But I guess one must put on a show for the time being... until the dialogue is unnecessary it seems. One must paint the walls to make this empty room feel like home, or make this home feel lived in or make this life feel full... so I put up pieces of paper that are pieces of people that are a part of my life. A stranger's glove from a familiar place and a random painting from a flee market, or a whimsical sketch from a schoolchild naivety of days gone by. But I know that a year from now, when I'm taking down those pieces once again, and I have white walls stare at me late in the night, I will feel this feeling again.

That bareness, it's so confusing. On one hand, I feel naked and alone, but on the other hand, I feel more conscious of my own self, and not the white noise of those hundreds of conversations and stories that build the characters covering the walls of my room. I enjoy the clarity for a while. Reminds me of Ikea brochures and empty canvases... so white, and square and straight. Clear, but not colorful.

So today I wonder on who I was, who I am and who I want to be. Do I want to be a wall filled with bumps and raises and splashes of blue red green yellow, or do I want to be an empty white walled room, no distractions, no confusion, just myself.

Revival Rant 2011

2011-07-21T14:15:00.000-07:00

Off late I have contemplated giving up ROTD. I have come to the realization that diplomacy rules all, where a secret ritual becomes meaningless if it is shared, or a heavily opinionated judgment could genuinely hurt someone. The blog posts I used to write were full of those scandalous thoughts and I didn't really care to think about who I was writing about or even who I was writing for.

Aah, but we all must grow up and I think it's happening to me too. Not so much so that I am maturing, but rather that I am understanding that people take you seriously because they think that you should know better now. I can't not be serious now because it is simply not allowed. I would be thought of as irritating and childish.

So I continue to do grown up things but now I can't blog. My vocabulary has shrunk down to the dictionary of diplomacy and self-censorship, and living becomes a day to day chore of making sure that I am in good standing with my community. It is frankly, the most boring and dull thing that I have ever been through.

A few years ago, I used to contemplate happiness quite seriously. I remember I came upon the conclusion that one can become happy instantly just by deciding to be happy in that moment. It is truly and simply a consciousness of your radiating vibes, and you do decide whether they are happy or sad. At that time, I thought that I was the ultimate guru of enlightened happiness, and in my own way I was. But it seems that I have forgotten a lot about who I was and the ideals that I had set out for myself.

I spent the last few days reading through ROTD, backwards. It's amazing how you can see transformation in thought patterns through the time. And I did notice that I had begun to become very serious in my writing and in my thoughts as well. That last post gives me a headache if I try reading it now.

So anyway, here is to returning back to the old, happy, donut loving, jumping, frolicking and funning blog that I had started out with. And if anyone is ever offended by my lack of diplomacy, I would suggest they do some growing up themselves :)

Late night rant... A pseudo masterpiece

2010-12-27T16:31:00.000-08:00

Write a masterpiece, write write write! Don't be forgotten, not now no! Write to be seen, to free your ego, to feed your ego, write write write! don't ever stop writing, for if you do, you might just stop breathing. Don't stop those thoughts, let them flow like the wildest rivers of the world. Let them flow flow flow! Flow away into the horizon, where the sun fades away, a never ending goodbye, the greatest promise of tomorrows rise, the greatest lie. And I struggle, oh how I struggle to believe you, but I will sleep tonight, because I am tired, and naive, but I keep tense with anticipation. sleep sleep sleep! Oh how sweet are the child's dreams. How happy he lies, with a smile on his face. Sleep forever, never awake to this harsh reality. Sleep if you can for just another moment. Just sleep and never awake.

But the world is running, and if you close your eyes, you might just miss this life. So start running after your ambition. Run run run! Run, for if you fall behind, you will be left behind forever. Oh what potential to do great things. Oh what a waste. What a waste waste waste! But who are we to judge. Who are you to judge? Who are you? Keep your sympathy in your pocket for a rainy day. Live now in silence, for we need to hear the spirits dance and sing. Don't talk for with every word that is said, this soul gets tainted, darkened and dulled. Aah the fear, to be dulled to oblivion. No, don't forget me now, for if you do, I will cease to exist. I grab on to this existence with both my hands. I grab onto you with both my hands, for I am hanging, on the edge of my mind, on tilt, forever hanging.

Feel this earth under your feet. Feel that it is real. Feel feel feel. Feel how it tremors through your body, and lays the weight of the world on your mind. Oh the decisions decisions decisions. Like quick sand, it pulls you closer to your roots, where you came from. Pulling pulling pulling you with your own thoughts. Burdens of infinite lives, but you are just one man. Just one man. Just one. Small, insignificant, what can you do? Can you change the world? Do you have the answers? The answers to the mysteries and phantoms that can save us. Have you arrived, our savior, our messiah, our godsend.

Or are you just like me? Normal and ordinary. Are your words as empty as the wind? To be carried away into the moonlit night. This beautiful candle light. This beautiful candle light. If your words mean nothing, the let us stop here. Stop for a moment, and collect all that we know and search hard for a tune that fits this still moment. And let me take you by the hand, and if the tune is right, then we will sing. We will sing sing sing, in a language unknown, for the lyrics will not matter, in an alien tune, for the harmony will become only ours and only for this moment.

I miss you. Your soft, small face. Your eyes, weightless, as if you saw a different world. All the promises we made, to invest our love and our lives in one another. All the dreams we shattered... I thought I could forget you, but you linger on my mind, like a song stuck in repeat. You would never know it, but I miss you.

Aah but it matters not. Not in this superfluous world. Fill your sorrows with ipods and ipads and blackberrys and green fairies. Fill your life with a cloud of people you cannot see, or touch or feel. Meditate and lose your reality, for all that is left to experience is death. And we shall tread on until we are ended, or until we have begun.

Tread on into another day, into another promise, but don't stop writing. No don't stop writing, for if you do, you might just stop breathing...

No words today...

2010-12-13T00:08:00.001-08:00

Twinkle... part 3

2010-11-22T11:23:00.000-08:00

Click here for part 1, and here for part 2.

She sat on the sofa, in her jammys. Her thick square plastic framed glasses on the edge of her nose. She was reading a book. One of those fat fantastical novels that she loves. I knew she was concentrating hard because she was nibbling on her lower lip and had on a hint of a smirk. The power had gone out again, so she sat by a tall candle whose flame flickered near her face. The tiny light seemed to lay itself so gently on her skin making her cheeks glow with contentment, and cast the most delicate shadow on her nose and lips. It was as if the candle was painting reflective lines of thought on her face. And as it did so, her simple, calm chi filled the room with a cozy warmth. Wisdom and understanding danced with her youth. She was aware of everything around her, and everything seemed to gravitate towards her, just like that fluttering candle-light.

And as I stood in the shadows of the doorway, hoping that the power would stay out for just another moment, I wondered hard on what I had ever done to deserve this much happiness.

Does it ever feel like...

2010-11-11T21:46:00.000-08:00

Does it ever feel like you are sitting in the bleachers, watching your own life play by play? Like you can see the place that this path of yours is leading you to, but you never seem to be getting any closer? Does it ever feel like you wish you were living a legendary, epic existence, but it never feels like that in this moment? Like you wish you had explored so many more places, and seen so many more things, and done so much more mischief. That you feel like you need to burst out of this skin and let out your crazy chi. Like you need to find out what you are actually capable of.

Does it ever feel like you need to be alone? Like you need a breath of silence and calm, so that you can hear yourself again. So that you can become conscious of your presence again. Like you need to take a deep breath and start this over. A clean, fresh start. Does it ever feel like you want to tell those thousand other voices to shut up so that you can listen to your own? Like you need to stop becoming the consequence of someone else's life, and start becoming your own anthology? Like you need to be selfish, just this once? Because just this once, is all you have...

Write write write!!!!!

2010-10-21T12:55:00.000-07:00

The summer is over alas and we must all return to the fairytale time that is fall. Too presumptuous to call this cold weather winter, we brave on with our hearts shivering into the day, listening to moody songs and thinking about better days.

Yesterday was a significant deja-vu scene for me, sitting at the end of the bench at one of my intramural basketball games. I've been here before, at the end of this same bench, watching this same team, trying to find it in my heart to support them. I'm not used to being at the end of the bench. I was always the one to be picked first. I always thought of it as a given. I was the leader, the captain, the one that people wanted to watch play.

Now there's someone else. There has always been someone else for the last 2 years. Someone else that was picked over me. Someone else to take my place. There's this emotion. One of the most complex emotions I have ever had. It starts with the sharp ping of depression, knowing that you are dispensable. Knowing that if you were gone tomorrow, this scene would be the same. Knowing that you didn't matter. And then it's followed by the even sharper jab of jealousy. Anger, rage at that new kid in town. I hate the way he plays. The way he takes that unnecessary extra step. The way he makes that loose pass, it makes me furious. The way that in spite of his flaws, people still prefer him.

I've never said the right things. Never done things the right way. And I know that working the system has always been my greatest shortcoming. I could never please people like this new kid can. But it's moments like these that begs me to question, what is it that I'm trying to achieve? Why is it that every choice that I make sends me into a spiral of disgust. Why is it that the things that I say, never reflect the person that I am. Why is it so hard for people to see the real me through this wall of reality. And then I return, in reflection, to that same question that rings again and again at ROTD. When did all of this become about me?

There are many ways to get to your goals. Most of the time it is through the strong support of the people around you, and through the high of recognition and acknowledgment. Being in the limelight and proving everyday that you belong there. Seems to make sense....

The toughest path, however, is when you can achieve a height of satisfaction through the accomplishments of others. Even though they might not even know that you are there, standing right behind them, pushing them to be better, stronger, faster. Even if it isn't you that's out there dropping 20 points a night, that new kid is dropping 25 because you whispered to him to not make that loose pass, or to take that extra step. Knowing that you don't need appreciation from anyone if you know that you've done your job. Knowing that you don't need to be dispensable if you decide to make yourself useful. It's a rocky path that requires you to step out of yourself, and to open your eyes to the depth of your world.

In the years and years that I've played team sports, the latter has never occurred to me. And as I think about it, I can slowly feel the jealousy drain from me. Instead, I now see opportunity.

That's a good thing.

p.s. Sorry, its been a while.

In the mood....

2010-08-21T04:20:00.000-07:00

It seems that I am in the mood...

Sometimes I really really hate movies. Mostly because they all end with everything 'working out'. It never seems like that in real life. My Summer of Love is proof. It's not that I am unhappy. I guess I'm just looking for familiarity. Movies are unfamiliar to reality. Good movies push those empathetic buttons. People should make more good movies.

A good movie is like a good friend. An even better friend is a good song. I remember as a seven year old, spending hours sitting in front of my dad's Technics amplifier, with his expensive Sony headphones plugged in, listening to Dr. Hook. It was my junior sanctum. Just sitting and listening to that CD over and over and over again. You know how if you listen to a CD enough times, you know what song comes after the one that's just finished. I sat with the little booklet that comes in the case, reading the lyrics and singing along in my head. It's amazing how lyrics of a song can stick in your head clearer than your most important memories. I guess good songs make memories too, just like good friends.

I love to complain about this era of music, and the dying radio that succumbs to big names, big money and big masses. I wonder if seven year old kids still get the chance to find their sanctum in this iPod age. Maybe it's a different kind of sanctum, however progressively unromantic it tends to become. I think that's why we love to hold on to the past. The past is always more romantic compared to this present. Like a transformation of soft, comforting silk into a tough plastic.

A little bit of color never hurt. An unreasonable whim, or a surprisingly soft spot for a love song. A secret love to write poems under candle light, or a song that you cant resist closing your eyes, getting on a table, and making orgasmic faces and vulgar gestures to.

So today's exercise girls and boys. Drown in cliche. Become that day dreaming fool that people make movies on. Walk around in naivety, and find romance.

Extreme Rant: End of a Beginning...

2010-08-20T01:48:00.000-07:00

A lot has happened in this Summer of Love. I can say with a mild lucidity, that I did indeed fall in love. I went through the drama of it even though it may not have been apparent to me at the time. For now, my Summer of Love has been like a mud path, as many are, with a winding sort of direction, and pretty flowers on the way. And as always, I encourage naivety with your thoughts, for then we can forget about the more unimportant, yet necessary physicality at hand (as it were), and focus on the rest (however less impressive, and entertaining, and interesting, and in all, just plain boring) that might be. So for the lack of anything really of substance to show off about, or rather to bother writing about at all... read on.

So yes, The Summer of Love has brought me to a number of conclusions, let's call them the 'utter rubbish' findings, about well, people in general. The most interesting of them is that as individuals, we all choose our personalities. That sounds pretty obvious, I know, but what I found peculiar, is how often those personalities, or rather, portrayals, are almost always in one way or another, disconnected with who we really are. Maybe it is a wanting to become that personality that drives us to be the artist or the intellectual or the mystery or the lustrous, but how close to our bare nakedness is that true to?

Or maybe it works the other way and I've got it all wrong. Maybe you choose a personality to channel yourself to reality. Because otherwise you would be too bare and trivial to feed your existence. Hmm...

It happens though, in a haste of subconsciousness, that a tone or a look or a bunch of words leak out of your personality. It's like a moment of public nakedness, that you silently and shyly realized too. Like speaking before you've thought of what you're saying. And that reflexive glimpse is so harsh sometimes, that you might surprise yourself. But It is in that moment, that I can see you. That moment has made all our conversations and interactions worth while. Because that glimpse tells me the truth that is hidden...

**********

We all love beauty. We all want to be around beauty. We all want to be beautiful. And we will manipulate our ideals and our decisions to tailor that need. Beauty is comforting and exciting and unpredictable. It's almost like a drug that takes us away from the true reality of things. Beauty, even in the most obvious sense, is never real. Not this beauty. Not the beauty I was looking for in the Summer of Love.

There is a beauty though, that lies beyond our personalities. It is shameless. It is clueless. And it is naive. It is often mistaken for the sleeping, but I know now, that I need to be woken up.

.

Earthed

2010-08-17T00:58:00.000-07:00

It seems that I keep trying to find a reason not to write, and end up finding no reason to write. But either way, words are for free, and time is in abundance. So as they say, let's fuck... umm

This post was initially going to be about a lot of things. And then I realized that all it really was, was a string of YouTube videos. And sometimes it's funny how the most trivial things can sometimes express and reveal some of your most intricate feelings. Like a drunken thirty second sob in a friend's arms, or a shy glance from across the room.

And sometimes it's the other way around, when the most trivial things can spark epiphanies and symphonies within you. Like the warmth and smell of a hot cup of chai, or a Christmas card with a story of what could have been, that you come across while cleaning up your room.

When I think about it, everyone or everything that I make part of my life, is like a string of twine, tying me to someone or something else. A song or a drawing or a kiss or a bracelet, or even an ideal, a thought... they all act as strands of attraction, binding me to this life, and keeping me in this place. Keeping me earthed.

When I started this post, I wrote down that I would not spew out some spiritual bs rant rubbish that's pleasing to hear... so I think I should stop now before this get's ugly. Comment people!!! I want some TLC!!! Also, if you think this post has ended unjustly, here are some youtube videos that express what I was going to say anyway....

Masala! Mehndi! Masti!

2010-07-27T07:19:00.000-07:00

I think it all started when I flew off my bike in a very action-movie-slow-motion-explosions-in-the-background-type setting. Well nobody was really around to see the flying... and the after-moment was like one of those extended "I banged my knee... ssssss aaaahhhh" scenes from Family Guy. Little did I know that that little adrenalin-injected moment would be the perfect kick-off to what would be a weekend filled with thrilling highs and anxious lows.

My first glimpse of what was to become MMM was a storage room filled with boxes. Boxes that seemed ordinary enough but were extraordinary in effect. The colors and pictures that had collected in those boxes, held memories that I suddenly longed to be in. If I could fill one of those boxes with these words, I will know that I mean something too. Those boxes gave us the river of color that the weekend sailed on, bobbing happily at the delight those colors brought to our eyes.

And then there were those oars, that sweated tirelessly to keep us all from drowning. Angels in 'MMM 10th Aniversary shirt' disguises, keeping a watch over everything and everyone. Some were rockstar angels too. Bald lawyering rockstar angels. Some were young and bored. But they all held their own, and together they held each other, arm in arm, like brothers and sisters. Their walkie-talkie crazed leader was like a knight in shining armor, leading his troops into a flower-flier war, all the while providing them with food coupons to keep their tummys' from grumbling. He had his generals, who were no less capable of being brave commanders, armed with comforting direction and good looks. I salute you all.

My Main Man always seemed to be around. He was 'Bob The Builder', disguised as long luscious Goldie Locks. And like all great men, he was making dreams a reality. He amplified a single voice to be heard by thousands, and he spot-lighted a single pair of feet to make waves under the feet of thousands more. He was the voice of words whispered. He had a team of men who spoke in code, making sure that they made everyone else around them seem idiotic at the least. And together, they gave the weekend its solid trusses.

The food was royal. The henna, the saris, the churis... the paintings, and the really cheap DVDs. They all ran under the watch of one Dada of Dadas. Like an architect, creating a civilization, he molded space and time into life. What a magician. Musicians in this kingdom,were provided so fitly, by the coolest man on set. A smile that never really faded, and a tranquility that matched his very sexy black Mercedes, this man always looked like he knew the answer to something.

There were a bunch of girls, I think I saw them frolicking around in the grass. They ran circles around egos and tended to the weekend like one would put together a million piece puzzle in two minutes. Armed with sticky notes, and Blackberrys, they put each piece in its proper place in space and time. They crushed crises and disorder with their twinkly heels, and managed to do it while looking sexy. Now there's some multitasking I could learn from.

There was no doubt though, that the hottest couple on site, were also the mum and dad of MMM. They were to be seen everywhere, especially at Maro, where they single-handedly got the party started. Dad walked around coolly with a camera in his hand at all times. He made sure that his baby was being seen by everyone, and that he had another album he could add to the collection. Mum was a statue of serenity and understanding. She was always there, asking people if they needed help, or giving out hugs if they didn't. She was so selfless, it was daunting, and somehow she gave me enough faith to believe that we are all good souls. I hope I can one day be a fraction of the person she is.

I have one tiny confession to make. I think I might have a puppy crush on you. I don't know why, but I feel kiddish and immature when you're around. Stumbling with words and not knowing where to look. Every time I saw you, you met me with that automatic grin, those wide bubbly eyes and a lingering thought written on the grooves on your forehead. I will always wonder what that thought could be. I owe you a parking pass. I'm sorry I didn't get it back....

To Abhishek and Jyoti, the only names that ring in anyone's ear at MMM. They didn't eat until everyone had eaten. They didn't sleep until everyone was tucked away. They broke clouds with their sunshine, and they brought a bottomless well of hope, faith, belief and whatever else you needed to steady yourself at that moment.

Abhishek has a heart so much bigger than his head, that it's starting to make his accountants a tad bit nervous. And just when you think that he will stop giving, he will have room for one more smile, or one more thought, or one more hug. He might not have time for two back to back sentences for you, but he will have time to drop you across town on the dawn of his biggest production ever. What a guy....

The only scene I can remember from the entire weekend of Jyoti is when she was trying to make those kids dance on stage. I don't think I've seen anyone smile like that before. If I could live off of your kisses and hugs, I would do MMM every weekend, every month, every year, all the time...

So as they say in the business.... WRAP UP!!!

Self Knowledge

2010-07-18T00:47:00.000-07:00

And a man said, Speak to us of Self-Knowledge.

And he answered saying:

Your hearts know in silence the secrets of the days and the nights.
But your ears thirst for the sound of your heart's knowledge.
You would know in words that which you have always known in thought.
You would touch with your fingers the naked body of your dreams.

And it is well you should.
The hidden well-spring of your soul must needs rise and run murmuring to the sea;
And the treasure of your infinite depths would be revealed to your eyes.
But let there be no scales to weigh your unknown treasure;
And seek not the depths of your knowledge with staff or sounding line.
For self is a sea boundless and measureless.

Say not, "I have found the truth," but rather, "I have found a truth."
Say not, "I have found the path of the soul." Say rather, "I have met the soul walking upon my path."
For the soul walks upon all paths.
The soul walks not upon a line, neither does it grow like a reed.
The soul unfolds itself, like a lotus of countless petals.

- Kahlil Gibran

Pensive Moments

2010-07-03T00:12:00.000-07:00

Sometimes, your relationship with yourself is the most burdensome.

It was the summer of love. A summer of warm skin and cool breezes. Children flying kites in open patches of grass, and embracing lovers on tiresome subway rides home. Eyes met in fond, knitted affection and fingers locked in determined, obsessive possession.

We all play our parts in the summer of love. Without jealousy, possession is never sweet. Without longing, the release is without relief. Without a copper tear, a golden smile is worthless.

And so I silently do my part, in this summer of love.

Dear Sir,

2010-06-12T22:46:00.000-07:00

Dear Sir, Are you afraid?

Afraid of what?

Are you afraid that you are becoming dispensable. That tomorrow, people will wake up and see through the hypocrisy that are your thoughts? That your knowledge was never really your own, just a borrowed chapter to flower your ideals.....

All knowledge is borrowed, my dear. We are vessels that have a need to contain substance. Each with our own twist of flavour and zest. Without that, I would be empty and hollow. The substance might not be my own, but I will try my best to extract the holiest of water from the holiest of rivers, the spiciest flavours, from the wildest fields, and the sweetest sugars from the most colorful hearts. My vessel will be a spot of bringing together for a thing known but for things unknown. And together, when all is said and done, I would have created new knowledge. Unique and scrumptious, waiting for someone else to add it to their vessel.

At the end of the day, these thoughts are never my own. Words are always borrowed from dictionaries written by other people. Actions are mimicked, songs are covered, and philosophies are relived by different souls. It is true, the strive for our uniqueness, or our meaningfulness is sometimes lost in this confusing world that never seems truly ours. But I don't worry because I know that with every new taste I add to my vessel, and share with someone else, I am giving in to a system that was never my own, but embraces me with open arms to become a part of. Today I am standing at the edge of this sphere of understanding, and tomorrow I will take one small step towards the center, and the next day I will take another, until one day I reach the core of it all.

And maybe when I reach there, I might just find my soul...

So I guess, yes... I am a little afraid.

Extreme Rant uncut... Sleepless part 3

2010-05-19T01:53:00.000-07:00

I have three pillows on my bed. A little excessive I know, but I like pillows. What can I do. I'm lying in bed now. 4:54am in the morning. I have my eyes closed, and trying to find sleep. I can feel all three pillows under me. I am conscious of them being where they are. The thoughts of today are lingering in my head. I had a tennis match which I lost. First match I've played in over two years. Somehow I was fine and dandy with losing. Had a nice talk with dad later on about it. Watched another episode of House. Brilliant as always. Youtube is down today.. was gonna scout some more recipes to try out. The music on stereomood.com is playing. Still trying to find sleep. I can count my breath now. I've held my breath for about a minute. That pillow under my head is getting uncomfortable now. I take a deep breath and roll my eyes even though they are shut. I get dizzy when I do that, sort of a dazed moment to forget my thoughts and find sleep.

And then I'm thinking again. What is it to find sleep? That moment of utter unconsciousness. Totally mindless and bodiless. I'm lying in bed and thinking to myself, maybe if I lie here long enough with my eyes closed like this, I can fool myself that this is sleep and then open my eyes tomorrow morning wide awake.

But really, do you ever remember that transition between awake and asleep? It happens so suddenly even though it feels like a slow slide. All I can remember is letting the muscles of my eyelids go limp, and the creases on my forehead relax. Something in my mind goes, 'Alright boys, time for lights out'. And in the next moment, I'm in my dreamy world of memories and fantasies of lives I wish I had lived or may some day live.

I can never find it though. Not when I'm looking for it. It always finds me first. I'm ready when it comes. Tight and snug in between my three pillows and cozy blanket. There might just be a sandman, lingering around here in my room, waiting at 5:08am for the perfect moment to take me away for the night.

I guess sometimes that is just how it is... you spend your life trying to find answers and people and objects and pieces to the puzzle and yourself, and suddenly you forget where you put your sleep. Now you are trying to find your sleep and you need to take two steps backward. But what you have really forgotten is not where you put your sleep, but how you found it in the first place.

So now I lie in bed at 5:16am, writing this, thinking about today, listening to music, and trying my hardest not to find sleep. Nighty night.

Morning Cup o' Starbucks

2010-05-12T21:19:00.000-07:00

Sitting in the capitalist state, sipping cups after cups of coffee. I was wearing smart clothes, polished shoes, sharp haircut. On display in this capitalist state. Maybe even for sale. Listening to the background new age sounds. Profound music, reminding you and me that we are much more than skin deep. Paintings on the wall in this capitalist state. Maybe these pictures can become conversation when my ideas fail. Maybe another coffee might distract them until I can think of something. I am fed up now, screaming profundities and profanities. LOOK AT ME.

Unstrung Thoughts

2010-05-11T00:35:00.000-07:00

Ok.. so maybe not everyday... eyaah....

I want to talk about things that you think about. I want to talk about things that go through my head, sometimes coffee-triggered, or otherwise silent moments. Writing here is like talking about things. Having conversations with my computer screen when nobody interesting is around. Sometimes updating is hard to do because I'm so distracted. In general I have become kind of distracted. Kind of fedup with making decisions so I just let things be and go with the flow.

What has been on my mind today in particular, is the thought of becoming the best at something. What does it take to become a Ronaldo, or a LeBron, or a Federer. What does it take to become a Steve Vai... Thinking about that journey is quite perplexing. It takes hundreds of thousands of people to try before a Federer is made. Hundreds of thousands of people whose stories go unheard and unnoticed. Each believing that they have a chance to be the best. Three percent of high school students in America get to play college basketball. Out of those three percent, less than one percent go on to become successful professional athletes. If ever there was a tough sell, that would be one.

I guess it's numbers like those that scare us from making bold choices. So many times we joke about doing outlandish things like building a chocolate factory or living on a vineyard, and then we return to this "inlandish" living.

This post is taking me time. Watched an episode of House in between. It was about relationships. I think I liked it a lot. I might take some time to think about it for a while. So for now this post ends here. Unstrung thoughts in a couple of paragraphs. Like it for what it is.

Perspective

2010-05-07T04:02:00.000-07:00

The tennis is getting better. Slowly.

Sometimes I wonder whether I'm living in a fairytale world. A prolonged happy drunken state in warm cozy little boxes, forever untroubled and content.

Even though we (Charan and I) found our current pad for dirt cheap, it happens to be smack in the middle of quite a posh area. Lots of really old people and really young people. It's the kind of area that you would like to settle down in one day once you've secured Tenure at that University, or gotten that Chief of Medicine job.

And then I thought of all the TED talks that I've been watching off late. People talking about a world that is totally different from this one. A black and white contrast. I wonder if any of the kids growing up in this neighbourhood will ever even get a glimpse of that world. I wonder if I will.

I guess sometimes you need to be radical in your living, and sometimes you just need to chill out. Even if living is just a frame of mind right now. But does that mean that you switch off from all of your thoughts to pretend that the one you are at right now is where you should be? Maybe when you have a minute, you could think about your life in perspective with the rest of the world. With all of it. The richer and the poorer. The malnutrition-ed and the obese. And you don't necessarily need to stop there. Think of those who are losing their lives today. Imagine the possibilities of what happens next, and then put your life into perspective.

Most people will go through life, surrounded by a phantasmagorical living. A glass box of cloudy realities that they will create themselves to find solace. But if we are really one human race, don't you think we ought to at least spare a thought, if not an action, for something, or someone outside of this body?

By all means, live in your illusion, but beware of the reality that exists.

footnote: I know the post is a bit edgy... maybe today edgy is good...

Chapter 101

2010-05-06T02:42:00.000-07:00

As always, I have been procrastinating. Since nobody really bothered to comment on the last post, I have decided to post everyday. Everyday until I am satisfied.

I'm not always going to talk about my day to day stuff... but I will today. Today was the single most petrifying day of my entire existence. I gave my first tennis lesson today. Nine balls (those funny orange and yellow ones), Reese, Bobby and Teddy. Everything I ever knew about tennis went flying out of my head and vanished into the court that had seemed to transform itself into a massive black hole. Petrifying.

I thought about calling up Zeeshan today, but I didn't really know what to say to him or ask him. Zeeshan if by any chance you are reading this, today I realized what it takes to be a tennis coach. I remember the very first time I met you. You had called me in for a brief hit around to see how my game was. It was at the Al Wasl courts when you still coached there. I could go on and on about the things I cherished about those lessons. Our conversations while hitting from the service line, while practicing serve, in between drills. The millions of drops of sweat that you squeezed out of me. It all came back to me in a rush of blood to the head today. Petrifying.

And as bobby strolled around the court today, in the middle of a drill, he popped out his mobile phone from his pocket, probably to update his Facebook status. Disgusting. Even more foul was that I had no idea what to do. None. This is my life right here. This is what I live for. And I had no words left. Just stunned.

Tonight, my sleeplessness will lead to some more Vector, some more thinking, and when the gym is open, I will begin my training. I will begin my concentration. My discipline.

And maybe in a while, it might get a little less petrifying.

100th, Coffee High, Reflections

2010-04-28T07:35:00.000-07:00

I haven't been able to sleep the last couple of nights. John made me a very 'effective' cup of coffee today morning, and well, I don't think I will need to sleep ever again.

***

The last few days, I have been thinking about an awesome post, and well, all I wanted to really say in this post, is that ROTD has been insanely fun for me to write, and hopefully for you to read.

I was thinking about writing a letter to Jenifer Aniston, but I couldn't really think of anything outside of "Dear Jenifer, You are probably the hottest woman ever." That would have been a short post, so I decided against it. Besides, I'm still waiting for Deepika to get back to me...

***

This time is quite significant to my general existence. In the next few days, I will find out if I will be allowed to switch out of engineering. Hopefully this one will swing my way. I'm praying... Thinking back, I don't even know why I was in engineering to begin with. Dad, what were we thinking?

***

I was packing my stuff a couple of hours ago. And as I was taking the books off of my bookshelf, something so honestly conscientious hit me. The books, they had dust on them. The dust, it felt like I had dissed those books to the ultimate. I keep them on that shelf, with hopes of one day opening them and actually reading them, but I never do. And to display them like that was such a sham! Hypocrisy! Fraudulent!

From now on, I am only going to display books that I have read. That will be my little reward.

Also, I am thinking of writing a book. Don't know where to start though, so if you, my dear three readers would oblige, ideas, topics, opinions, anything that could help.

***

I was watching a movie yesterday. It was a corny sports flick about some messiah guy and a gymnast or something. It was supposed to be a true story. Maybe messiah's really do exist then, or maybe somebody got his hands on some LSD. Who knows.

The movie was basically a simple guide to how a life should be lived. This old man keeps giving advice to this kid and even though the advice was super cliched, it really appealed to me...

"Life has just three rules?"
"And you already know them..."
"Paradox, humour, and change."
"Paradox..."
"Life is a mystery. Don't waste time trying to figure it out."
"Humour..."
"Keep a sense of humour, especially about yourself. It is a strength beyond all measure."
"Change..."
"Know that nothing stays the same."

***

Some of my own thoughts now...

It seems like the only thing that I am learning about in college is me. I have moments of confusion with this whole growing up thing. I think I was more grown up three years ago than I am now. I spend way too much time on my own, even when I am not in my room. I never believed in thinking. Thinking made me conscious about my decisions. Made me hesitant. Three years ago, I never had the chance to think. There were always people around, cricket matches to fix up, the tennis court, basketball practice, band practice. Never thinking. I have too much time to think now. This room makes me think.

The more I think, the more I want to write about what I am thinking about. But I don't want to think, even though I want to write, oh so desperately. If only I could be a circle without a center. Blank, and yet focused.

I'm going to stop now. This post, it means something to me. Write a comment. Write about anything. Write about your day. Write about the last dump you had. Write the most random thought you can muster up right now. Write the most troubling thought on your mind right now, or the most curious question that is bothering your mind. I'm sick and bored of my thoughts. I want you now.

I need you now.

***

You have kept me going for a hundred posts, and hopefully, you will keep me going for another hundred.

Peace.

***

Growing up

2010-04-17T05:21:00.000-07:00

This post is for all the other confused nineteen-year-olds out there who couldn't sleep last night.

Growing up is hard. You have to worry about getting educated. You have to worry about maturity and food and ambition. Worry about money and family and friends. About school and summers and weight and hair. About what people think, about what education means to you. Opinions and politics. Intellectuality and creativity, conversation and connections, networking and socializing...

Growing up is quite overwhelming...

Another poem? Silence Has Got a Sound.

2010-04-14T12:45:00.000-07:00

This poem comes with a soundtrack...or maybe the other way around.... play the song while you read... that's how I wrote it...

*******

Lost in a thought
Do you remember who you were
This time a year ago
Maybe two maybe three
And what of you now
Close my eyes and I go back to that place
Of innocence and kiddish curiousness

How have I changed
Or have I at all
The more I listened
The more I looked around me
My thoughts floated away
Into people that mattered
And didn't at the same time

They said so many things
And walked by so many times
With thoughts written on their faces
And feelings kept on their sleeves
What did I look like to them?
Was I the same
A book to read
A metaphor to understand
A symbol of life
To think about for a moment
And then move on
Walk past
With a though for later
Later in the silence

I liked the silence the most
No thoughts, no confusion
Just silence and a feeling
Like eyes opening in slow motion
To a sound unheard by your ears
But by your soul

You see it then
Silence has got a sound.

Poem rant... Don't get it? Neither do I....

2010-04-08T23:58:00.000-07:00

Words unsaid in a distant past,
Is it too late now, would it matter,
Things undone in memory,
Like a book with missing pages.

All I have is this here and now,
No rhyme no rhythm no reason,
Like a song I wrote on a wall somewhere,
Faded in the sands of time.

Maybe I'll wake tomorrow,
And I will see something new,
Maybe this chapter will be complete,
The words, they belong to you.

Early morning rant... just another blog post...

2010-03-31T04:51:00.000-07:00

I'm trying to get a blog-ball rolling here. If that means posting when I don't want to, well so be it.

A couple of weeks ago, I was at a gathering of a bunch of students. These are the moments that make me feel like college is what is should be. Sometimes I wish that my days would be like a movie, with all the monotonous boring crap cut out. There is a lot of time in between the moments that are actually worth putting in the final cut. So much time in between. Anyway, I deter.

Well at this gathering, many people gave talks and presentations and such. One person in particular, Amad*, gave well, for the lack of a better description, a motivational talk on living day to day life. He said many catchy things such as "Ask yourself everyday, did you live an Oscar worthy day today" (That is where the previous paragraph probably stemmed from) and " Don't wait for opportunity, make yourself an opportunity", or something along the lines of that. It was indeed quite interesting.

Last week, I also found myself spending Wednesday evening at a free screening of 'Flow', which is a movie about a very serious issue pertaining to water and how we are getting royally screwed over by huge ass companies who think that if they have enough money, the world will not blow up. It was a hellova contemplative night. Watch the documentary for free HERE.

A few nights ago, I decided to watch a movie that I hadn't seen in a while. It's called 'Instinct' and it has a bunch of cool actors in it but its apparently unheard of amongst my friends. Its about a very very very complex subject of whether or not we as a human race would have been better off without the creation of the civilized world. It explores the mind of a man living in the wild, or rather, a man living as part of the wild. Yes, it was a thinker. And the acting helped. Watch it. Please.

And in between all of that, I came across a song by Cat Stevens, called 'Father and Son'. The song is in the form of a conversation between an old man and his son. The man keeps telling his son that he needs to calm down and take it easy, that he is young and there is a lot that he has to learn, but the son is stubborn and won't listen. He is in a hurry to grow up and to launch himself into a worldly adventure away from a society that is suffocating him.

Ive also spent last night watching TED talks, after quite a while. It was exactly what my mind needed after getting fucked over and over and over again by all of the aforementioned. The most interesting talk of the night was by THIS GUY, who also happens to be an artist. It turns out that artist are generally interesting people by nature. Think of it this way, wouldn't it be awesome have a conversation over tea with a photographer, who has traveled to three different war-zones and captured photographs that have been on the cover of TIME magazine? Artists transcend their stories into a language that us mango people can appreciate, and at the end of the day, isn't it about just that? Our lives are a collection of stories that include other living entities, and when our time is up on earth, that's all we will have. Memories and stories. Oh yea, THIS GUY could give you a couple of hints on how to be happy. It was a bit too much food for thought, and I'm stuffed. I wonder what would happen if I started today, and began walking down to California. I wonder.

I have to stay here in Toronto a little while longer. Its my big cage, and even though there are corners left to explore, I am stuck in one. It's called UofT St. George. I think I'm being disciplined for something. I don't know what though, atleast not yet. There are moments when I do learn a thing or two. But then there are those monotonous moments in between. Long long moments in between. Sometimes all I can do is wait from one enlightening moment to another, and I forget to go through the boring bits in between. It's only then that I realize that without the TV timeouts and the potty-breaks, the entire movie collapses. What a drag.

I guess there are a lot of things that we can fill those in-between moments with. An interesting book. A spontaneous subway ride to nowhere. Maybe a really good blog post. Something that would revive you every three seconds. That's how long a moment is. Three seconds. Live your life as if the next three seconds are the most important three seconds of your entire life. The next three seconds are the last three seconds of the ball game, you are down by one and the ball is in your court. You take the shot and make it. Those were a great three seconds. Now you have to top it in the next three. Now that's an intense life. That's the kind of life I want.

For now, I shall wait on my daily dose of mindfuckedness and blog-worthy update. I shall see you soon, my beloved three readers.

Twinkle part 2.. Its been a while...

2010-03-24T15:09:00.000-07:00

She kissed me and I could feel her smile even before her lips left mine. Her warm breath tickled my nose as we finally drew apart. “I need to go now”, she whispered. “Alright…”, I said. “I’m serious! I really need to leave”, the smile still lingered on her face. “Go ahead…”, I said with a fictitious seriousness. She punched my chest, in playful disappointment. “Fuck you!”, she chuckled as she slowly stepped away from me.

I stood there, and watched her walk away. She knew I was watching her but she didn’t dare turn around. She knew too well how that would feed my ego. Such a simple comfort, but it summed up all that we were.

For part 1, click idhar(here).

An open letter to Deepika Padukone

2010-03-22T04:42:00.000-07:00

Dear Deepika,

This is my first open letter to anyone and I'm not quite sure why I am writing one to you, but I guess that you can claim the privileged either way.

Over the past couple of years, I have come to the realization that I have turned into a hopeless romantic. I have been sans-girlfriend for many years, and it is my honest opinion that one Deepika Padukone, i.e, you, have the perfect solution to the situation. You may be asking me, "What the fuck?", and justifiably too. Through this letter, I shall try to express my thoughs with hopefully a sound balance between sensible reasoning and lustrous zest.

As I have already mentioned earlier, my past few years have been, lets say, a forlorn time and it has been so because of my significantly unique circumstance. You see, my first 'female interaction' was with my school Headmasters daughter. She was also very hot and well even though we meandered through and around trees and such, twas without the spice of artificial rain, if you know what I mean. My second, and well only countable significant interaction with a non-male, as it were, was with a girl who was not only superior to me in many ways, but also extremely understanding and well to put it honestly, effing brilliant.

Now therein lies my predicament. The only few girls that I have befriended (forget be-bedded), have been either frekin hot, or frekin hot and effing brilliant. Now I believe in linear growth when it comes to living and that is where you fit in perfectly. You may think again think, "What the fuck?”. Let me explain further.

From the extremely intimate interactions that I have had with you, through such feature films as Love Aaj Kal (LAK) and that other one, I believe that you hold the key emotional, spiritual, practical, and physical characteristics that would perfectly compliment my own personality. Let us take for example, certain aspects of your traits. You showed your extremely smooth wit when bar-bantering with Saif Ali Khan. This brings to light the ease with which we could spend hours on end, chit-chatting about the trivialities of this world and I couldn't imagine a silent awkwardness ever existing. Of course, when the more passionate silent moments do present themselves, they will be personified due to the intensity of the contrasting silence.

You might want to know certain logistical mismatches right off the bat, and frankly, I am and have always been a what-you-see-is-what-you-get kind of guy. I am currently studying in Toronto, and considering your current field of work, we might have to explore the possibility of long distance communication. However, I don't believe that it would be a problem because of my immense faith in our working out. Also, since you are a person of media-noted stature, I would like to believe a trip every once in a while to Toronto, for some face to face time wouldn't be too out there...

Also, my professional life is kind of a mess. I have hardly any money and no job as of yet. This lack of employment could be seen as a bonus for your cause as this gives me more time to romanticize about you and do such things as write poetry and love letters. I live in a small, but cozy room in a house with one bathroom that I share with four other people. Given your obvious precise and calculated appearance, you probably take a long time to get ready in the morning. You might need to sacrifice some of the detail due to a lack of bathroom time, but do keep in mind that if you become too sloppy, we might have to talk about it. Also, I do not have a mirror in my room, and often more than not, you might leave the house with inaccurate makeup. I can let you use my MacBook web-camera to get a vague idea, but it is often a lot less telling than a mirror.

I think that physically, we are a good match. I am aspiring to an Arjun Rampal-esque physique (when he was smoking hot), and will get there.. eventually. I understand that you are around 5'9" tall and even though I am an inch or two (maybe threeish) shorter, I take solace in the fact that your preferred choice of footwear are flats (as seen in LAK). I will make an effort to walk around on my toes for the most of our time together. Also, we cannot discard the possibility that I may still have some growing left to do.

I think that my easy-going spirit will compliment yours extremely well. I can so easily imagine us sitting on a beach somewhere, watching the sunrise, arm in arm. Our relationship wouldn't be based on materialistic illusions such as money or financial stability. Rather I would drown you in the essence of a true romantic. A romance fit to be written as a New York Times Bestseller. We wouldn't ever have a mundane moment. How could we? The way I see it, we are soul mates, and if I need to write this letter to get your attention, then so be it! I say down with this social hierarchy bullshit. Who says you need to be a celebrity to get with one?

You see Deepika, I believe that at the end of the day, you and I, we aren't that different. Sure more people might know your name, but I can tell you this - you can give a million interviews and do a billion movies, and people will still not know who you are. You see, I don't look at you as Deepika Padukone, The Supermodel and The Bollywood Megastar. I see you as that Mango Person who has a story that maybe you have lost in a story that someone else wrote for you. I am willing to hear your story, however interview-unworthy it might be. And if you can’t find it in the glare of the limelight, we can take a life changing adventure of self-realization and discovery and who knows what might happen.

It's all up to you now.....

Forever Yours,

Udai.

p.s To keep in the spirit of complete honesty, I have included a picture of myself that I took this morning.

Jam

2010-03-07T12:30:00.000-08:00

I like jam toast, strawberry butter always clumpy sweet crunchy crispy yum. Jam on toast, toast on jam, toasted jam untoasted jam :O, just jam, just toast. What?!

There are times of enlightenment. Times that you and I have created and will create. Jam times with peanut butter spoonfuls. Times where this reality is cracked open and filled in like a jelly-jam donut. Imagine swimming in jam. Being one with jam. At the end of the day thats all anybody is doing anyway. Just Jammin'

I'm Goin Mid-evil On Your Punk Ass!

2010-02-25T03:23:00.000-08:00

You can't really call it a whim, or a fancy or whatever, because it was calculated. I bought a typewriter, which has now prominently become the centerpiece of my little room. I don't know if and when I will be coming back to my beloved ROTD, but I will make a stop when I feel something needs to be shared. Until then, I am going to truly and selfishly write for one and only one purpose. To contribute to the art of senselessness.

Not every printed word must be clad in a book to be shared with the world and not every story written needs to be told. Sometimes, as a musician would practice his instrument in a lonely room for hours on end, so must a writer write.

I am not yet an artist, not even a painter, but know this, I am born.

Night One

2010-02-12T00:05:00.000-08:00

For some time, my day to day life has lacked an immediate purpose. That is why I've decided to take on something concrete tonight. Its simple and yet I hope that I'm not making a stupid, stupid decision. But right now I need any decision and I am content with this one.

It's a simple vow of silence. I know the idea sounds ridiculously stupid and immature, but to be honest, I really don't care about being stupid and immature, not when I know that I'm still a kid.

Taking a vow of complete silence is a bit radical for anyone, so I am going to allow myself one single conversation a day and only if it is completely and utterly necessary. I'm also going to log my days on this blog, not everyday but when I feel the need. Maybe if I lose less words while speaking, I will have more words for here.

So this is night one, and I already feel breathless. Sounds like the next few days are gonna be fun...

Insurge of Rants.... See You Tomorrow...

2010-01-28T05:18:00.001-08:00

I find myself telling my three readers oh so often about the confusion that is my sight, and how ever so often I find myself in a moment of clarity. It's true, and I like talking about it a lot.

There was a time quite a while ago, when the confusion didn't really matter at all. It was kind of inconsequential in the bigger scheme of things, and well I just chose to be happy all the time. Somehow, things just seemed to work out.

Off late, I have let go of that, and I have let my blurred vision trouble me again and again and again. Its tough when your confusion actually does affect the greater scheme of things....

And then I got to thinking last night. How selfish of me to make MY greater scheme of things into THE greater scheme of things. Where along the line did I develop this ego? At school, I was part of a family. I gave to that family without a second thought. At university, I lost somebody to give unconditionally to. It was supposed to be my time. Help the world by first helping myself. I always hated it when my mum said that the most I could do for her was my homework.

The more I write this week, the more I realize how this blog is turning more into Ramblings of the Woeful College Kid. I guess there are repercussions of each and every one of my decisions now. Scrutiny and judgment. I wonder how people actually find this life fun.

But today, I'm gonna be happy. I don't really care about whats going to happen in September or where my life is going.

I'm going to make a plan to deal with school. A one day at a time plan. I think I'm going to go live today now.

See you tomorrow.

Random Rant... Sleepless part 2

2010-01-25T04:18:00.000-08:00

I lay my thoughts on the ground beside me
I lean tired against the door
And even though I long to dream
I lie sleepless on the floor

2 Extreme Rants for the price of one.. Not for the sullen hearted, but read on if one is desired.

2010-01-21T05:35:00.000-08:00

I don't have much time right now so I'll make this one quick.

This space has been getting drier and drier as the minutes and hours and days and weeks and months have passed. I don't know how to fix it. I can't not write what I feel. If I feel dry, then the words come out dry. That's the sad truth.

I have this picture in my mind. Its of a sunset. I'm sitting on the side of the road, as I have so many times, just staring into the sky, and thinking. This picture, its so calm and serene and peaceful. Sometimes I notice the cars that drive past. I follow their headlights from afar until they get close to me. I imagine I know something about the person sitting inside, driving. For a split second, I am a part of their lives and they are a part of mine. Sometimes I see something familiar. Like bobbing heads to radio music. I try to guess the song that's playing. And sometimes I smile at them. Just to see what their reaction would be.

I remember so much. Insignificant evenings. But such powerful evenings to me. Evenings where I got this serenity about my existence. There was no board exam, no homework, no people, no music, no family, no friends, nothing. Its how I feel sometimes when I sit with Shandy, my doggy. I don't know what he is thinking. I dont care what he is thinking. I don't need to worry about lead words and disappointment, no expectations and no past. Complete forgiveness, transparency and silence. It's so tranquil.

There was so much happening around me. I was running on the field, sleeping in class, singing, dancing, drumming, but I always felt unattached. I felt like I would rise like the Sun did every morning, and I would dress myself and go to school and do what was expected of me. Then I left home. Haha.. I thought I was out of the coop. Sleep till noon and do what I wished to. I was out of the coop alright, but I didn't realize that now, there were hawks circling above me, waiting for me to become the obnoxious young disillusioned. And how hard it is to dodge a bullet when you don't realize that you are holding the gun.

It's so tranquil. Sitting alone in this little room right now. Warm and cozy in my cocoon. How I hate to get out of this soft bed. I make a castle of excuses as flimsy as a castle of cards, and I stand inside it, looking up at the walls, waiting for them to collapse. I was never raised to dwell in self pity. How low is that. Yuck.

But I don't want to leave this room. Not to go into that world. That world makes me so sad. Those people, they are so.. so plastic and fake. I see no point. I see no point in crashing this tranquility. Can I just sit here a little while longer please? Two more minutes in bed. Two more minutes in my dreams. Two more minutes with my thoughts. Two more minutes without you.

I've got to wake up now.

**********

I'm reading Andre Agassi's autobiography. It keeps taking me back to my hopelessly lost tennis days. I remember training. Being shouted at by my coaches. I remember Zeeshan the most. We used to start our practices at the half court line. Playing around, talking about stupid things, the news the weather, Grandslams and such. And then we would make silent blows from the baseline. He used to shout at me. keep your racket closed. Move your feet! Recover. Firm wrist. Eyes on the ball. Follow through!!! He didn't shout that much towards the end. He knew I was shouting at myself silently.

I remember being on the tennis court, the silence just before a point. The soft sound of the ball being bounced before a serve. I could hear myself breath in that moment. Collected thoughts, prepared to execute. I remember my heart beat like a steaming train after a point. I remember talking to myself, pushing myself.

It was one of the lightest times. Bouncing on my toes. Sweaty shirts. Weapon in hand, unsheathed and ready to attack. My tennis raquet was like a thing alive, swinging, spinning, swaying in my hand, readying itself.

So many thoughts, so many points and tournaments, so many faces and so many minutes and hours and days and weeks and months.

I cant not miss that.

Flying High Rant ... Part Two

2010-01-05T10:11:00.000-08:00

Here we are again in this awful stale predicament. If only living was as easy as picking a card from a deck, and then going with it. Apparently it isn’t. How have I reached this point where it doesn’t matter anymore? Where did the inspiration go?

People say you attract your thoughts. It works, both negatively and positively. If you keep telling yourself you don’t want to do something or to become someone, chances are, you are going to be doing that exact thing. How ironic.

I have been in and out of this confusion for so long now that I don’t know what to think anymore. I feel nothing for death and even less for this moment. How horridly emo does that sound.

We are all fucked in our special little ways. Some of us fucked a lot more than others. How we deal with our fuckedness is what defines our character. There will always be reason to cry. There will always be someone to blame. There will always be a shortcut and there will always be reason to pack up and give in.

And at the same time, there is unconditional love. There are friends for you to lean on. There is family to cradle you and there is home. Home. For a few lucky ones, there is home.

Now the cards are face up and the choice is clear. I have all the time in the world. All I need is patience.

So I will wait.

Flying High Rant... Overwhelmed

2009-12-21T19:17:00.000-08:00

There are so man things I want to write about right now. There is so much happening in the world around me and well even though I might not get much time to sit and reflect, I know I’m excited.. But there is this emotion, this awesome godlike force that becomes a realization, an enlightenment in my most silent moments. There is this emotion and I can finally put a word to it. Overwhelmed.

For me, it starts with the end. The end will always be that one universal bind, the calmness of knowing that this will all end for us the same way it began. The moment of our birth, the first nanoseconds of our existence, it was exactly the same for me as it was for you. There was no judgment. There was no personality, no boundary, no thought except for one. Breath.

And at the end, at that last breath, we are united again on a sweet harmonious chord like the crescendo of a six billion-piece orchestra.

The in between of these two epitomes of states, the present, it is both tarnished and garnished by an illusion created by appearances and heavy words, swaying your thoughts with ideas of control and power and understanding. You are forced to an opinion, forced to choose your identity. There is no peace, no resonance no oneness.

And then in that confusion, there is this emotion. It is like a massive wave that swallows you, and at that instant you feel nothing. There is no confusion because there is nothing. Just a slow, calm, deep breath. You do not have control over anything. You do not have control over your identity. You do not have an identity. Your skin is washed away by the wave and all that is left is a breath.

But we can’t do that forever. We can’t sit around in nothingness.

And in a moment, everything comes back to me in a rush of confusion. I fall nicely back into my illusion. My soft warm cocoon…

And I wait to be overwhelmed again.

List Rant... Whats Up?

2009-12-13T11:04:00.001-08:00

I rarely update just out of the need to update, but its been a long time, and well even though I've sat down to write here on many an occasion, I just haven't been able to find anything interesting. So here is a list of stuff that might or might not interest you, but well I'm going to write them down anyway...

1. I'm in the middle of finals(exams) week. Can't stop thinking about switching out of dreaded engineering.... any ideas for a career path?

2. I have the most awesome mum dad Tara and shandy in the world. I'm itching to go back home and give them a hug.

3. It snowed the other day for the first time this winter, and that proceeded with an insane drop in temperature. Makes me appreciate the warmth of my room.

4. I have too much stuff in my room, but somehow, I end up needing all of it... that must be a genetic thing.

5. It has been a long long semester, and for the first time, I regret not knowing what to expect next year.

6. I miss being able to play basketball every night and being good at it. All I want to do right now is go to the gym and work on my jumper....

7. My ankle is up and running again, but it still hurts randomly. Wonder if it will ever be the same again.

8. Played tennis the other day. First time i've played all year. It reminded me how much I love the sport.

9. Which brings me to the Grandpa's advice of the blog-post-day: Even if you need to grind out your day, doing things that you need to do rather than things that you want to do, don't let go of your passions, and when you get a breather, spend some time doing things you want to do. It feels good :)

10. I realize that I have been single for the longest time. I've come to the point where I don't really see myself with anyone at all. I don't know whether I like being single or not... It can get lonely sometimes...

11. So much of what you do is where you are or need to be to do it. I don't want to distance myself from home, but what if I want to get out of the coop*? It's a scary thought, but can't help but think about it.

12. Which brings me to question... what qualifications does it take to become a statistician? Hmm.. what qualifications does it take to become a pro-league Referee?

13. The NBA is a melting pot of an insane number of stories and journeys... I've got to stop spending so much time on their blogs...

14. Sticking to fruit diets is very hard.

15. I am on twitter now... I never thought the day would come, but well, I'm riding the fad and lets see how it goes. I hate their 140 word limit though. It forces you to drop vowels and what not. I was inspired after following Shashi Tharoor's tweets. Although I contemplated getting in touch with Steve Nash as a legitimate skirmish, before I realized that even twitter cannot make that possible. Follow me here if you care to that is... and I will follow you, I think thats how it works.... *n()()b*

16. Coffee goes well with snow.

17. I really enjoy maths.... when I understand what the effin hell is going on.

18. Intellectual property rules are nullified when they are enforced upon you. I think its only fair to leave the decision of whether or not you would like to share your information with someone up to you-the owner of the content, and not to some third party board member rubbish.

19. Most of the bloggers that I started out blogging with have kind of faded away. So if you are reading this right now, and you see your blog on my blogroll, and you see that the last time you updated your blog was in 1935, click on your link, sign in, and UPDATE!!!

20. I have 3 exams in the next 5 days. I should get back to my books.

*Read The White Tiger. You will like it.

Catching Up

2009-11-13T12:54:00.000-08:00

its 4pm now and I finally got my program working.... little bit happier now

Finality Rant... Playing Catchup

2009-11-13T03:10:00.000-08:00

This is an unhappy post, because right now I am sad and tired and unhappy and also because I can.

It's nearly 6:30am in the morning and I'm sitting in the computer lab. I've been sitting here since 5pm yesterday. I'm updating my blog now because I've more or less given up on my program.

It's probably my fault that I don't know how to do it. My prof, he tries to explain stuff in class, but nothing sticks. Not for me at least. I flunked the midterm. Probably my fault again. I catch myself doodling during the day, calculating the marks I need to pass. If not scribbling on the table, my mind is always on it.

I look at the people around me. most of them have dark circles, receding hairlines, slumped shoulders, stressed and scratched skin. Many are wearing the same clothes as they did yesterday.

And then there are those who look fresh as ever. Sharp haircuts, calculated expressions, positive body language, relaxed. I try to imagine what they do when they are not at school. Probably hard at work doing their homework and figuring out labs. And they still have the time to come to class.

There is no peace in my mind. Always turmoil. Calculating how far I've fallen behind in maths or when the next project is due. I knew it wasn't going to be fun, but I didn't think I it was unmanageable.

I'm sitting here in the lab, nearer to 6:30am, and I wonder. I wonder why I'm the only one sitting here. The only one with his work undone. Out of two hundred and eighty students, why am I the only one here? I know it's probably my fault. I shouldn't have skipped those two lectures last month.

It all happens so fast. before you know it, your midterms are over, and now the pressure is on for the finals. Maybe if I can stop calculating how much I need in the finals, maybe if i can stop... I could get some work done.

When I was around 10 years old... and that's pretty far back for me, I realized something about myself. I was competitive. When it came to tennis, I would put my heart and soul into it. But as soon as I fell back in a game, all of that fiery spirit just fizzled out. And if i ever lost, it took me the longest time to bounce back, if I ever did manage to.

That's the same feeling I have at the beginning of September. My eyes are set on the goal, and nothing is going to stop me from getting a perfect score this year. And then the first test happens. I study humbly for it. Do all the questions and all the papers. The question paper is simple, but i choke. 60% on something I should have aced. I stumble on the next paper and the next and the next.

I know its probably my fault. Maybe i should have put in some more effort.

And now I'm here. At the lab at just past 6:30am. I probably won't get this program to work by 5pm. Not without some divine intervention and sleep.

And so I give up.

I want to keep writing, but I'll spare you the words. That is, if you got this far.

Crash

2009-11-04T03:53:00.000-08:00

There are words, there are sounds, there are actions and there is you and me. With my words, I persuade you to believe in me. With my sounds, I make you feel for me. With my actions, I make you succumb to my illusion.

I am every cliche you hear. I am every truth you believe. I am standing next to you, always. Even when I am oceans away, you will feel me, breathing down your neck.

There are words, there are sounds, there are actions, and there is everyone. Dressed in flowers and painted with makeup, they are ready to take the stage. They are ready to put on the show of your life... the show that is your life.

Sometimes I feel like I am not real. Sometimes I feel like each step I take is unimportant. So I convince myself that I am relative to you. I am what you make of me.

Paint me a picture, write me a song. Fill me with your touch. Fill me with your reality. And I will fill you with mine. Tread carefully though, for there might be gaping holes for you to see through. They are because of my downfalls. They are the birth of new knowledge. Knowledge about you through the eyes of me.

There have been many before you, and there will be many after. And you may come to wonder what the point of these lead words are. You may wonder why you smile for me everyday when I walk past you in the hallway. You may wonder how it is possible to fill an empty basin with more emptiness. You may wonder about the reason for this reality.

I cannot give you the answer to that in words. I cannot give you the answer in sounds. I cannot give you the answer in actions. But look at me. Concentrate on me. Look at yourself. Close your eyes and look at everyone. Touch them.

"It's the sense of touch. In any real city, you walk, you know? You brush past people, people bump into you. In L.A., nobody touches you. We're always behind this metal and glass. I think we miss that touch so much, that we crash into each other, just so we can feel something."

-Paul Haggis, Crash (2004)

The Mask I Wear

2009-10-16T16:49:00.000-07:00

Don't be fooled by the face I wear
For I wear a mask. I wear a thousand masks-
masks that I'm afraid to take off
and none of them are me.
Pretending is an art that's second nature with me
but don't be fooled,
for God's sake, don't be fooled.
I give you the impression that I'm secure
That all is sunny and unruffled with me
within as well as without,
that confidence is my name
and coolness my game,
that the water's calm
and I'm in command,
and that I need no one.
But don't believe me. Please!

My surface may be smooth but my surface is my mask,
My ever-varying and ever-concealing mask.
Beneath lies no smugness, no complacence.
Beneath dwells the real me in confusion, in fear, in aloneness.
But I hide this.
I don't want anybody to know it.
I panic at the thought of my
weaknesses
and fear exposing them.
That's why I frantically create my masks
to hide behind.
They're nonchalant, sophisticated facades
to help me pretend,
To shield me from the glance that
knows.
But such a glance is precisely my salvation,
my only salvation,
and I know it.

That is, if it's followed by acceptance,
and if it's followed by love.
It's the only thing that can liberate me from myself
from my own self-built prison walls

I dislike hiding, honestly
I dislike the superficial game I'm playing,
the superficial phony game.
I'd really like to be genuine and me.
But I need your help, your hand to hold
Even though my masks would tell you otherwise
That glance from you is the only thing that assures me
of what I can't assure myself,
that I'm really worth something.

But I don't tell you this.
I don't dare.
I'm afraid to.
I'm afraid you'll think less of me, that you'll laugh
and your laugh would kill me.
I'm afraid that deep-down I'm nothing,
that I'm just no good
and you will see this and reject me.

So I play my game, my desperate, pretending game
With a facade of assurance without,
And a trembling child within.
So begins the parade of masks,

The glittering but empty parade of masks,
and my life becomes a front.
I idly chatter to you in suave tones of surface talk.
I tell you everything that's nothing
and nothing of what's everything,
of what's crying within me.
So when I'm going through my routine
do not be fooled by what I'm saying
Please listen carefully and try to hear
what I'm not saying
Hear what I'd like to say
but what I can not say.

It will not be easy for you,
long felt inadequacies make my defenses strong.
The nearer you approach me
the blinder I may strike back.
Despite what books say of men, I am irrational;
I fight against the very thing that I cry out for.
you wonder who I am
you shouldn't
for I am everyman
and everywoman
who wears a mask.
Don't be fooled by me.
At least not by the face I wear.

- Author unknown

The Abstract

2009-10-14T03:17:00.000-07:00

You seem so peaceful and calm. I cannot understand you but yet I want you. You are my existence, you are my emotions. You are everything i fear and everything I love.

You make me cry in the dark, and keep me up at night. You are the endless possibilities of anything and everything.

You are my music. You are my unheard voice.

The sound of my guitar has gone unheard for too long. The skins on my drums are bored and dusty. My words are few but important.

So hear me now, but don't try to understand.

Random Rant... Sleepless

2009-09-23T23:45:00.000-07:00

sleepless nights
darkened lights
tiresome confusion
and comfortable illusion
reasonless thoughtlessness
ignorance innocence
joyfully naive
this reminiscence i leave

Why Worry - Dire Straits

2009-09-21T03:37:00.000-07:00

Baby I see this world has made you sad
Some people can be bad
The things they do, the things they say
But baby I'll wipe away those bitter tears
I'll chase away those restless fears
That turn your blue skies into grey
Why worry, there should be laughter after the pain
There should be sunshine after rain
These things have always been the same
So why worry now
Baby when I get down I turn to you
And you make sense of what I do
I know it isn't hard to say
But baby just when this world seems mean and cold
Our love comes shining red and gold
And all the rest is by the way
Why worry, there should be laughter after pain
There should be sunsh ine after rain
These things have always been the same
So why worry now

People (sorta reader rant...)

2009-09-07T01:34:00.000-07:00

I spent today, mostly very angry. Most of this anger was directed at well, mostly everyone around me, not outwardly, but well, inwardly. This anger, its a new side of me, or rather a renewed side of me that well i had worked very hard to get rid of.

I grew up around Indians. I quite like Indians, mostly because I am one. Then there were the westerners on the tele, and obviously at college. At college I met the Internationals. There were the Asians, the Africans, the South-Asians, the Americans, the Jocks, the Jews, the Christians, the Britons, the Scottish, the Hicks. I met the Indian-Canadians, who looked Indian, but thought Canadian. I went back home and I met the infamous "Locals". I met the gays and I met the hippies.
And I managed to meet everyone in between too...

People fling the word 'diversity' around like its a chipmunk on crack sitting on a windmill... and people seem to carry their culture on their skin. You know how in school they tell you that 'everyone is special in their own special way', diplomatically using the word special instead of different...

Well the truth is that everyone is different. Their circumstances are different. And throughout the course of my "anger day", I noticed only one thing. I was angry because all of these people around me were not like me. They spoke differently, they walked differently, they had a different body language, they wore different clothes... and I kept wondering why. Why can't they be more like me.

But then it comes to me in a rush of epiphanyness...

The problem isn't with the people around me....

*aah cliche bullshit to follow... cant think of nice words to put it in... so just fill in the last bit yourself... *

i feel better now... less anger... lighter....

Last night...

2009-08-19T21:40:00.000-07:00

The world is so much bigger than me....

The music, the living, the thoughts, the perfection... we strive to believe that which we have achieved... that which we have not discovered, has been discovered. Our eyes have been deceived by the intoxication of the upheld. The qualms of the public have raped me of my identity and of my choice. There is no identity left here.

On the risk of turning into a cynic, i shall criticize the minuteness of myself in this world. I shall criticize the minuteness of my voice and of my person. Why do I think the things i do. They are because of you. I fucking hate you.

But I touch you. I touch you and i feel magic. I feel the electricity run through my fingers and into you. I feel you feel me. I feel your voice penetrate me. I cant find the words... I just can’t find the words....

My world is different from yours... but my heart is intertwined with yours. I feel what you feel. But i must leave my ego at the door to hear your voice... i must let go of myself to let you in... you will be forever lost in the noise of my silence if i don’t hear you... I must hear you... i long to hear you...

I, Me, Myself... when does this story leave me... when am i free from myself... when can I see me in your light, in your eyes, in you...Now, I feel that i am you. I feel that you are me. My voice comes out of you... you cannot say anything that will harm me... you are in sync with me... I cannot help but break down in tears when i am reminded of you. I need to stop here and remember you... pure... sweet... like thick, intoxicating honey....

I am lost because i cant find the words. So i will borrow them. I will try and then i will err. I will search the deepest corners of my soul... Don’t hear my words... hear me feel.. hear me suffer... hear it in my voice, but don’t hear my words.

Bombay? What's that?

2009-08-04T06:18:00.000-07:00

And so my July finally comes to an end. In short, the trip was hectic…. Delhi was ‘chiller’ as they say, and to a certain extent, a decent eye-opener of sorts. I remember snatches Lok-Sabha TV afternoons and reading about Munna – The White Tiger… chilling with Rhea and Rohin… breaking my ankle at that bumpy half-court game (still hurts ☹)… shopping for rubbish at Janpat with mum n Tara… chilling with the Grandparents…. Getting repeatedly lectured for my hair… you know how it is….

And then there was Mumbai…. Where oh where do I begin… First some common misconceptions to be cleared up… They say that there is no place equivalent to the madness that is Mumbai. I beg to differ. If not as chaotic, Delhi definitely gives Mumbai a run for its money… The roads are lawless, the people are rash, everyone does whatever the hell he or she wants to and still, miraculously, the city runs with steaming fervor….

Ok… so back to Mumbai… wow… I am exhausted… Mumbai is MASSIVE… and it always helps to have a local to show you around. So due credit and big ups to my very own Nikhil Bhaya for showing me some of the most awesome faces of Mumbai. The first thing that I discovered was the local music scene. That in itself is another post altogether; maybe my next Indian Reverb update =) Anyway, brilliant musicians with an awesome sense of camaraderie and respect in a very tough and stubborn industry. I have a bunch of new bands to check out and I’m quite excited to put it mildly…

And then there was Toto’s Garage…. And then there was The Ghetto…. And then there was Ghokul… and then there was The Blue Frog… and then there was The Crazy Auto Guy with mothers of speakers that took up half of his little tricycle… and then there was India’s Got Talent…. I can go on and on and on and on… but in this post… I want to talk about my two favorite places in Mumbai

The first, and probably the most clichéd, is Marine Drive… Marine Drive is probably my most favorite place to chill out at in the world…. The wind and the sprinkles of water from the rocks…. The plain simplicity of feeling the wind running through your hair and the sound of the waves thrashing against the breakers…

There are two states of mind that you could fall into. One is that of complete blankness. All I can think about is the water, and all I can feel is the breeze in my face. In the distance I pick out a wave and see it swim towards me and then collapse into a nothingness. The second is a state of utter confusion - thoughts from all directions entering my mind, none of them complete, just ideas for the coming days and flashes from random moments in the past, and this present stands frozen in a daze…

It begins to lightly drizzle and now you are completely in a trance with these exotic sensations, feeling the rain peck against your skin… whiffs of the gobar smell entering your nose… the wind playing with your body as if you were a feeble kite made out of twigs and newspaper… that’s Marine Drive….

My second favorite place in Mumbai is the 6 inches of foothold on the edge of the local trains. Actually, the whole ritual of pushing and shoving for a place on the train, then hanging out of the train or being mulled by the stink and sweat of other fellow hairy local-train using Indians and then getting flung out of the train whether or not its your stop is probably one of the most fun and at the same time, physically exhausting things I’ve ever done.

However, if you do manage to get onto the right train that is going in the right direction and you are fortunate enough to be on the edge of the cabin with enough foothold for one and a half of your feet, you will be in for a journey across town like no other ☺. Such a simple traveling act can become sooo dramatic because all of a sudden, you are holding on, literally, for dear life… and lets not forget the metal bars on the side of the railway tracks that come coolly close to separating one half of your body from the other…

To top it all off, you can add the incessant chugging noise of a stubborn machine that should have retired 25 years ago but refuses to give up. And then obviously, some ‘hip’ commuter will be blasting old RD Burman and Asha Bhosle tunes from his Nokia N95 or his iPhone.... And you can smell nothing but the dirt and sweat that has been embedded in the clothes of all the people that surround you over years and years of train-usage, like a legacy passed on from one generation of commuters to the next.

Sheer Brilliance

Rebirthing... the slow, painful, and cheaper way :)

2009-07-22T04:10:00.000-07:00

I think I’m over the traumatic loss of my last week’s update… maybe I will blog about the loss of a memoir some other time…

Right now I’m on my way from Delhi to Mumbai on a plane, again… Maybe I should just fly around on planes for literary motivation because I always feel compelled to write when I’m flying hiiiiigh (literally speaking of course…) Just noticed that there is a fly on/in the plane… haha…. The irony :D …. I wonder if he knows he is going to a totally different world…. And he gets to fly completely free of cost…. Aaah… what a sweet life :D

Anyway, the first few minutes of this particular trip were quite fun…. I’m at a window seat and I just RE-realized how amazingly awesomely fun and cool it is to just stare out of a plane’s window as it takes off… as the huge trucks become tinier and tinier until they are miniature plastic toys… and you get all excited when you see a swimming pool or a golf course….

And as you get higher up, you can see the crop fields…. Huge rectangles and squares with perfectly straight borders….
And then you can see the cluster of houses and how all the roads seem to be radiating from them like little earthworms crawling away from each other
And then you are enveloped by soft cotton puffs of water…
And then you float on them for a while, as if the plane is not a plane, but actually a boat…

And you imagine this to be what heaven must look like….

How I long to get on the other side of this double glazed oval glass window and be swallowed by the fluffy white candy floss....

Shit happens.....

2009-07-21T06:45:00.000-07:00

i had written a bunch of shit on the fifteen hour plane-trip to India about a week ago and had it ready to upload as soon as I could... It has now disappeared from my computer and I'm guessing, from existence....FML

oh well...

The King of Pop

2009-07-01T22:42:00.000-07:00

MICHAEL JACKSON
(1958 - 2009)

The person that I am

2009-06-21T03:17:00.001-07:00

There is this state of self knowing. It is something so ineffable because it is purely that. A state that you might be able to empathize or sympathize with or whatever, but you will never be here....never truely because it is mine and my own... I can try to share it with you but you will never understand... its like a place that i can push you to but you will never reach. Its that candle that burns in the distance. That glow that I long for you to see.... its warmth I long to share with you.... but you will never feel it. And in that solitariness, lies my downfall.

So then what is left? Where is that resonating space where you and I will thump to the same beat. Where our rhythms converge in this delightful swirl of melody and harmony and beat. My path is not perfect. I might not hit that sacrimonious note. But neither is yours. Your voice is as polluted as mine is. It is as corrupt and selfish. So then I ask of you. Where is that resonating space?

I know the person that I am.

Then the only question left to ask is this.

Do you?

Anything

2009-06-14T02:33:00.000-07:00

there is this emotion....i see it in her eyes.. i hear it in her laugh... i feel it in her smile....

when do you see it? when do you see that raw emotion, no thought, no complication, just feeling? I saw it tonight. I felt it tonight. I know you will probably never come here so I can write this now and feel safe. You gave me freedom. In that one moment, in that one swift sweeping of my feet, I belonged to you.... you belonged to me.

I will probably never meet you again, but you were my lightning in that dark room. You were my purity through the intoxication. In that one moment, you gave me more than I could take in any lifetime to come. The scene was cliched, but you were your own. You discovered me with your eyes and your smile. I dissolved in your arms.

And then you were gone. As swift as you were to arrive, you vanished behind this curtain of complete anonymity. Complete anonymity.

Where am I now? What changes now? I know you will never see this and that is why I'm not scared of who reads it.

That feeling. That touch. It lingers on my skin. It lingers like an addiction being born. I can see your face but I don't remember it. I can see the blue in your eyes even now. If only I had something. Anything.

The Indian Reverb is born!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2009-06-05T11:54:00.001-07:00

Well as most of you might already know, I LOVE Indian rock music! The only thing is, I don't really get to listen to much of it. So saying that, I have initiated what might be the most awesome musical journey/ blog experience that I will ever go on, and I want YOU to be part of it!

And so, I give you my new blog - THE INDIAN REVERB.

Drop by, leave a comment. Not here, HERE. Thank you. :D

Cookie Jar + Its Ok! Music Video!!!!!!

2009-06-05T08:50:00.001-07:00

oooooohk... so I have been lazy... I know... I'm going through some serious blogstipation, and a bad case of mind-fucked-ness... so here is something that you, my beloved three readers, can chew upon for a while...

Also!!!! The video for Junkyard Groove's Its Ok is finally DONE!!! Check it out HERE or just scroll to the end of this post :).

"Cookie Jar"

I would turn on the TV but it's so embarrassing
To see all the other people I don't know what they mean
And it was magic at first when they spoke without sound
But now this world is gonna hurt you better turn that thing down
Turn it around

"It wasn't me", says the boy with the gun
"Sure I pulled the trigger but it needed to be done
Cause life's been killing me ever since it begun
You cant blame me cause I'm too young"

"You can't blame me sure the killer was my son
But I didn't teach him to pull the trigger of the gun
It's the killing on this TV screen
You cant blame me its those images he seen"

Well "You can't blame me", says the media man
Well "I wasn't the one who came up with the plan
I just point my camera at what the people want to see
Man it's a two way mirror and you cant blame me"

"You can't blame me", says the singer of the song
Or the maker of the movie which he based his life on
"It's only entertainment and as anyone can see
The smoke machines and makeup and you cant fool me"

It was you it was me it was every man
We've all got the blood on our hands
We only receive what we demand
And if we want hell then hells what well have

And I would turn on the TV
But it's so embarrassing
To see all the other people
I don't even know what they mean
And it was magic at first
But let everyone down
And now this world is gonna hurt
You better turn it around
Turn it around

- Jack Johnson

Its Ok, Its Alright, We're the same and there's no need to cry!

Spring Rant

2009-05-10T19:43:00.000-07:00

Spring is here. I don't think I have ever seen anything as beautiful as the first sign of leaves growing back onto the trees. Its something that i have never noticed before. Beautiful.

The leaves start out as shoots, like little buds ready to explode, and then one morning you wake up and those little buds have exploded into an awesome neon green eruption of colour.

The leaves make me reminisce on the past winter. I can now say I too know what it feels like to live through those long, cold winter nights. But the long wait for warmth made spring so much more sweet. It made me enjoy and appreciate such simple things, like sitting out in the sun. Just sitting.

I can feel it now. I can feel the energy from the sun enter me. Such a beautiful feeling that I had never noticed before now. And whats amazing is that its always been there, but now I know. Maybe this is what living is about. Maybe 'life' is just a process of appreciation. In our youth, we grow up intoxicated with materialistic attitudes and our desires end up blinding us. And then with time we age, and understand the people and things that really matter and what we have consciously or subconsciously gained from them. And with that realization, we begin to appreciate the incredible-ness that is this living, breathing existance.

Its a nice thought. It comforts me. This post kinda drove this idea. Its wierd, because i wrote it :).

p.s. I know i contradict myself and my ideas quite frequently, but i dont really care. Everybody is allowed to have an opinion, but i want to have em all :D.

Gossip Guy (ha!!) New College Edition

2009-04-13T06:49:00.000-07:00

Well, its that time of the year again... Loyal UofTans have left their socks out to dry and have retreated to the confines of the NB4 study room, but that hasn't stopped the hot and happening to do some moving and shaking *winks wildly*

In recent news, a certain tall blond South African has hit an all time low since the infamous 'first ECE quiz incident'. Sources report that this particular tall blond South African did in fact consume a gross amount of energy liquid (any amount is gross), and was indeed able to complete his quote " FUCK CUNT BULLSHIT MOTHERFUCKER " individual portfolio. He was last seen moving towards the SF library, but was found a few minutes later, passed out on the second floor GB corridor.

In other news, the two Davids have been up to their usual lust-filled mischief. Last night, one of the Davids was spotted in the NB4 corridor, sporting a comfortable looking "speedo". Sources confirm that this unique look was intended to show off his bulging abdominal muscles. However, he ended up displaying certain other protruding bulges.

The NB4 male rezzies are on high alert after the other David has been spotted, offering Thai horror movies, popcorn and some TLC, and we all know where that's leading. In his defense, he claims that he was just "joking around", but us men are still on the look out.

It has been reported that a certain hairless Woodside was found abandoned in the NB4 study room, staring for hours on end at java script. Apparently, he was left to write the bulk of a program code by himself due to unforeseen incompetence on the part of certain twin sisters. The Chem Eng girls were confuddled by the workings of a computer, and chose to do calculus instead. Woodside was later found in the study room, playing strange games with sticks and balls.

In business news, the infamous Korean Grill House has had to shut down one of their Downtown branches, after a group of twelve New College rezzies spent an entire evening consuming enough food to feed.. well.. twelve New college rezzies. Apparently, the restaurant was not prepared to satisfy the culinary needs of the students, due to an unforeseen preformed New College Caf mentality. The group was spotted on their way back to rez by a squirrel with a camera.

The squirrel reported that the group did not proceed to break into the GB building and the MSE common room.

Over the past few weeks, a certain Josh Gill's presence has been missed on the floor. Rumor has it that on a particular visit to the Caf, Gill, 18, was a victim of Todd-rant-itis. No further details are available due to evidence that "May or may not be consistent".

All in all, life isn't half bad here at 45 Willcocks... :)

Until next time

X X X

picture rant...home?

2009-04-11T00:44:00.001-07:00

That's the Sh. Zayed Road skyline from the shipyard.... Home is going down the tubes.... it was for a while... now everyday it gives new meaning to the phrase 'rock bottom'

im tired

Never Meant To Be Part 2.. And Then There Were Some

2009-04-02T07:19:00.000-07:00

This was the second essay i wrote for the University of Texas... its supposed to be on a personal/political/school related/local/international issue i think is important and the relevance to my society/community/family/generation... i wrote on indifference...

I was at a train station. We were walking towards our platform when I spotted a lady dressed in rags sitting on the floor. She held both her hands in front of her and looked from one to the other. When I looked more carefully, I realized that she was holding a blade in one hand. Shocked, I silently passed.

I’m in a car on a main road in Delhi. When I take a look around, I see a countless number of fruit carts that are the livelihood of the people standing behind them. I see rickshaw drivers, toiling in the afternoon heat. Those same rickshaws serve as their beds for the night.

When I reflect on these images and countless others that have made an impact on me, I do feel moved. I read articles and I hear politicians talk inanely about the fight against poverty and the eradication of hunger, but I feel that we have strayed from the real issue. I don’t want to talk about poverty. I don’t want to talk about hunger and struggle because I know that these are issues that have almost become trivial and mundane in today’s world. I want to talk about myself. I want to reflect on my reaction to these social issues. Why did I silently walk past that lady at the train station? Why didn’t I sit down with her and talk to her? What made me react so indifferently? Here lies the real issue.

The problems with society do not root from an inactive government or an irresponsible president. The problem lies in the grass roots of the individual. Why have colleges made social commitment a requirement? Has that innate sense of humility and modesty perished to such a state that society must demand it from today’s youth? The fundamental issue is this: we have all been given the opportunity to make a decision. However, we would rather be disillusioned by a false imagery of a perfect world rather than contribute to our local community. Social service has become a burden rather than a personal choice.

I have come to the realization that nobody can be blamed for inaction. What does not affect us directly becomes immaterial to us. We see the struggle within our own local community and persist to ignore it presuming that either it will take care of itself, or the government will fix it.

The significance of such an attitude to me, my family, or my generation is in itself the crux of my point. I feel that as a potential change agent and leader, I did not move to action until I was provided some motivation by either my school, or my seniors. At that time, the idea of social service to me was to a certain extent an obligation, but it is only now that I realize the intense emotions and connections that can be experienced when I do work for social change, however small the change may be. This has made me feel much more spiritual about community service.

There was no motivation for Mother Teresa to have the same supper that she gave to the people that she sheltered - a crust of bread and a banana. Why must I be any different?

Extreme rant... A Boy Girl Thing....

2009-03-25T23:02:00.000-07:00

first, a couple of updates....

1. Brushing my teeth is a lot more important to me than i thought it was.
2. Junkyard groove has finally released what is called a bootleg...i don't know how it's different from an album.... but they have... and i cant have it because they are only distributing in India....doh!
3. The Suns are making an impressive late playoff push, but they seem to be falling a couple of games short... i hope they make it...
4. I can tie my hair into a ponytail :D its the funniest shit i have ever seen :D
5. THIS is my new favourite song... i wish they would frekin get serious and make some frekin albums :(

Ok... thats done... umm.. what comes next... aaah yes the post... lets do that :D

So boys and girls... its a simple concept... there are boys... and there are girls... and when they are young, boys hate girls and girls hate boys and then when they get older, they can't get enough of each other, and then a little older... well you know the routine (coz i really don't)

I'm sitting on my bed... trying to do homework(?) or something of that sort... and i have my itunes on shuffle... its scary the amount of songs that have to do with boys and girls... songs about falling in love, about the one that got away, about that one magical night, about more or less anything to do with boys and girls... and it was then that it became apparent to me that love, relationships and well, boys and girls are more or less all that we live for...

And because i love to talk about how it feels... i delved into the questions that we all can answer in our own little way....

What does it feel like to love somebody? What does it feel like to be loved by somebody? To know that you are wanted... to know that there is someone right now who is thinking about you... What does it feel like to be alone? What does it feel like to love someone and know that they don't even know you exist? What does it feel like to sit next to a person that gives you the hiby-jibys, but to never have the courage to ever speak to him/her?

Whoaa.. hold on... that word is so awkward... love... wow... it has a kind of animation about it.. it dances around in your mouth, does a back-flip on your tongue and it kind of awakens the snoozing butterflies in your stomach...

so anyway... here i am... in this kind of i don't really know where i am phase, wondering to myself.... people make such a big fuss about boys and girls, and sometimes boys and boys (and vice versa), but what if there was just the boy and just the girl? what if for now, love *cue hiby-jibys* doesn't seem that big of a deal...

i guess im just trying to justify my laziness when it comes to relationships... i can almost see myself in this tiny glass cube, isolated from everyone around me... maybe its just easier this way... but then why does falling in love always seem so easy?

or maybe i just haven't found her yet... or maybe i have, and now shes gone... or maybe i could have found her, but i just didn't make the effort...

the possibilities are endless =)

p.s. i know this post is kind of a mess...but i don't really care... this is how it comes out, so yea... read it anyway :D

p.p.s. check out my new JYG widget in the sidebar... you need to scroll down a bit, but its worth it :D

Extreme rant... Pre-rant becomes the Rant .. returning to the roots

2009-03-07T03:23:00.000-08:00

Pre-rant: This post isn’t as happy as the last few have been... I don’t know why, but i have been afraid to use this space as an emotional dumping ground in the fear of coming across as a cynical bitter boy who loathed in self pity and the rest...

as dad always says, there are two ways to look at that... one is that to shut out the complacency would be a good thing and it would allow the positivity to flow out... the other is that i have wanted to make this space more ‘reader friendly’ and i have been spewing out bullshit just to get that site-meter ticking....

When you actually think about it, its fascinating... There is no real right or wrong way to look at anything really... our lives are lived in this fuzzy grey area and that's it... we are fuzzy, confused and insanely opinionated... In reality, the only thing that really connects us all at a mental level, is that we don’t really know anything about anything....

Why do we say the things we say? All the world is a stage and we are but mere actors... We don’t live for ourselves but rather to satisfy the audience...

I wonder... i wonder what’s wrong with not knowing... why is it such a bad thing to be ignorant? If anything at all, it means that you are in the purest form of yourself, unscathed by the wrong or the wrong-right.... There is no conflict in your mind... and i guess in a way, that means that you are peaceful.... all that is left are the facts.... I breath, I eat, I sleep, I do. Existence becomes just that... existence.

Reader Rant... The Bass

2009-02-10T10:16:00.000-08:00

Hello all of my three readers :D... well its been a verrrrrrrrrry long time... and i admit, i've got a baaaaaad case of blogstipation....

The problem is that i have so much to write and when i sit down to write, i write a little bit, and then i just lose the rest of it... maybe its just plain laziness(which it most probably is)... or maybe i just don't have the rest of the words in me...

So in this post... i need your help... i've got a thought.. feeling.. whatever... i need you to look into the next few words and empathize/relate or just simply feel something... whatever it is... and write it down in the comments forum...

Every new comment that comes up, ill add it to the original post... If you don't feel comfortable with disclosing your name... feel free to anonymize-it....
******

The Bass

There’s this emotion... its like the thump, thump, thump of a bass, beating against your skin. You can feel the music crawl up your body. It enters you from all sides. It vibrates through you, from your ears to your feet. And then it explodes into the ground. You can feel the ground shake helplessly… BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM

It's the feeling I experience when I listen to Viva La Vida, by Coldplay =)
-Anonymous

When that sweet beat takes over my body. When all the words make sense to me... when i can close my eyes and let the melody fill me... its a release... its the sound of that sweet falsetto... its the sound of so many, singing in one harmony...
When everything fits perfectly... =D

I totally relate.
Life is a symphony. And we are the various notes. Together we can form the most beautiful chords and harmonies or we can cause a cacophony. But, at the same time we're all a unique sound and no two notes are the same. We let out our own special music. Even though sometimes two different notes don't gel, individually we're never wrong. We're all beautiful and melodic in our own way. And if listen hard enough, we can hear our own music, flowing through us...and it gives us renewed faith and a beat to follow.
So music = life. Very true. =)
-Komal Korla, The K-Files

A slow and steady transistion from deafening silence to beats coming to life.
Its when all senses collide and your body is suspended in room with vibrations bouncing off the walls and technicoloured lights almost blinding you.
Its love/attraction expressed through music. A reflection of your heart racing, deep breathing, your feet lifting off the ground in musical notes and sounds.
The pleasure that your mind and body experience. A strange rather exciting blend of Ecstacy and Bliss.
- Anonymous

Or maybe it's just the sound of a cello, wrenching at whatever you're feeling.
Or maybe it's the sound of a guitar, crying for a home.
Or maybe it's the pain in a voice, in longing and despondent hope.
Or maybe it's the solemn clash of a tambourine, held in the frayed palms of a nobody.
But it definitely is the music that shows you the emotion, even if it wrenches at it.
It's the declaration of homelessness, and the need for a home. It's the music that will take you home.
It's the music that relates the hope of a cracking voice, crying out so loud in belief.
It's the tambourine in the emptiness of the glass and steel world.
Pulling us all back into place.
- Nishant Mehrotra, Hours

Or maybe life's not a symphony, it's a mess, a downright anarchic, cynical jibe at the very notion of existence. And those beats, are what reminds you of the fact that there is a cadence to your chaos, a rhythm to your pain.
- Anonymous, The Cynic (apparently :P)

Life's an empty sheet. Every step we take and every choice we make writes the notes of our songs. Minors, Majors, a 7th when your feeling happy, a slight harmonic when your in love, a muted string when you mess up. But there's no going back, no mistakes can be fixed. What do you do? back down? Or blow the crowd away with a powerful solo and go out with a bang! That's what it's all about. The question is: Is it good enough to make other people want to dance to your tune? Most of all, are you able to dance to your own tune over and over again? No regrets! You only get one sheet...
- Anonymous

It sends shivers down your spine and that, somehow, sparks a current that rivets through your body. You try analyzing this glorious feeling, calling it "life's symphony" and "a rhythm to my pain", and it sounds all pretty and nice until you suddenly realize how futile it has become. Instead, what has begun, is this process of you trying to out do the other by distorting what doesn't need to be distorted, and basking in the sun of the beautiful words you just wrote. Suddenly, you find that "the bass" is missing. It is no longer about the feeling, it is now about you. And it is at that moment you realize, that the electric current that rivets through your body is just a sensation, a pleasant sensation, that frees you of thought for an instant. All that remains is that resonating current tingling your pleasure cells somewhere in the brain. It is beautiful. Leave it at that, please.
- Anish Malpani, Do You Really Care?

******

Picture Rant ...The Subway

2008-12-28T12:33:00.000-08:00

These are a few pics i took in Toronto... mostly in August when i was using the subway everyday...

I've said this before, but i shall remind... I'm not much of a photographer... but I'd like to know what you think either way...

Not so Extreme Rant looong post.... the end and the rest....

2008-12-21T20:46:00.000-08:00

There are some things in life that matter, and some things that are just not worth the sweat. Its tough to choose the right and appropriate moments to lose your cool, because there is a thin line between hot-temperedness and low self esteem.

*****

Sowww... the first half-year-chapter of my independent life has come to a very subtle close. How does one describe a period of time? What really defines it. The wars that were fought... the speeches that were made.... the new episodes of heroes that were aired... there are so many ways to look at a slice of time. Sometimes, a single moment could suffice to describe an entire era. The flip of a card or the toss of a coin could make history.

Let me start with the end, which in most stories is the most exciting bit anyway (not the case here since technically this is the beginning.... *whaa?*). So Umer and i went to the airport on the subway/bus, which was quite a pleasant journey(thank god). We had a Timmy’s coffee and i proceeded onto my metal bird.

There were three things about the airport that seem to be stuck in my mind. The first was on my way to the gate. You know how there are sometimes those walking escalator thingys? well there was one here and on the outside edge of the escalator was a heightened ledge(about a foot off the ground). As soon as i saw the ledge, my first instinct was to walk on it(no surprises there), but i didn’t. I don't know why i didn’t, and as i was contemplating on the thought, a little girl skipped past me. Of course she was doing her skipping on the ledge.

This whole incident, as uneventful as it seems to be, made me think about the difference between little Udai, and UofT Udai... What i found was that even though i yearned to give into to my little Udai, something held me back. I wonder what it was....

The second eventful moment occurred at the terminal(the place where we sit and wait to get onto metal bird). As at most terminals, the wall facing the planes is generally a massive window. So one is able to see the planes doing their thang... In one section of the terminal, there were two boys(who looked like brothers) who were playing with paper planes.I thought the moment was noteworthy just because it looked cool. If you were standing behind them, you could see them playing with their paper planes, and right in front of them, these huge mothers screaming at full throttle down runways.

The third and final (more significant) moment would bring you to my current state (lappy in lap and typing). I got onto me plane, trembling with excitement. I found my seat, which was a very convenient aisle seat, and got comfy. The girl next to me seemed to be in an unrest about something. A few moments later she asked me if i could swap seats with her boyfriend whose seat was in the same row as us, but in the middle section. I know how irritating it can be not sitting next to the person you’re traveling with, so i agreed (not thinking twice). So i gave up my aisle seat for the boyfriend.

At that time, i was too tired to think twice about it... but five minutes later, i realized that i could have kept my isle seat and made the couple happy by asking her to give up her seat to sit with her boyfriend in the middle. Instead the couple got their seats and the comfort, and who lost? Oh well its just a stupid seat(that I'm gonna spend the next 15 hours in). Big deal...

I can still see them from here, cuddling and hopelessly in love. The thoughts that followed to enter my mind greatly troubled me. One realization that i came upon was that I always act before i think, and because of this, that pang of regret is always around and ready.

The second emotion that hit me was jealousy. To see them like that, it nearly sickened me. I wanted that.

******

And so to the beginning... aah yes, college. Words that could describe the last four months for me... free, musical, new, different... a lot of words come to mind, but none would envelope the entire experience. Yes, it was a good experience. It was definitely not what i expected.... awesome at times, and sometimes, not so awesome. I learned a fair bit about the that person i am and the person that i want to be....

At the end of the day, all is well and good... coz, in a few hours, I'll be home.

booh yeah!

Brief Extreme Rant... The House Always Wins

2008-11-30T01:55:00.000-08:00

I play his game. I roll his dice. I succumb to the insanity of him. I make the mistakes.

I make the mistakes knowing full well that the only thing that matters in this place is The House. Nothing else matters. Not even me.

But I still play.

Question and Answer session with myself.... part 1

2008-11-05T04:02:00.000-08:00

Sometimes it's hard to know who you are from being you... sometimes you need to step out of your own skin and see yourself as you would see any other person... So here goes nothing...

Why do you regret?

Regret is toxic. To reflect on something I should have done... to think about how different my life would be if i had done things right... To never feel that completeness... I long to be complete... the opportunities that came my way, and the way i let them go by... I could have been better... I could have been stronger, smarter, faster...
I regret because i long to feel complete.

But i know that feeling... I've felt it so many times... I've felt it, but I was always feeling it in my own silence... I never got to share those complete moments with the world... I still have something to prove, and until then, i will regret.

What do you want?

This one's tricky! Well its like this... You know how you are never really satisfied with what you have, and you always want what you don't have? That's kind of what I want... everything that i don't have, even thought that might mean me wanting to not having anything because i have everything that i want....

Wow that's a bit confusing...elaborate?

Let's start from scratch... What i want is to be alive... that's a start...
umm... I want to be awesome(Yea! i like that one)...
I want to be smart... I want to be athletic... I want to be respected
I want to be wanted... I want to be in tune with you... I want to help you find your way when you are lost...
I want to find my way...
but that means i want be something that would help myself get something that i want...

this doesn't get any less confusing apparently....

I want to be vulnerable and i want to be confident... I want to have a story that leads somewhere... i want to mean something to me... I want to understand you and i want to understand me... I want to be stubborn and i want to be flexible...

I guess i want to be a paradox....

p.s... i dunno if I've ever followed up a blog that ive posted in parts, but i like to leave the possibility of a part 2 always :D

p.p.s...if you are feeling in one of those self-contemplation moods... pick up a pen and write down the questions that trouble you... see what happens...

The boy who lived part 1

2008-10-09T02:01:00.000-07:00

This is the story of a young boy named Timothy Swanson. Timmy, as his friends liked to call him, was nothing much to look at. Blond, curly hair, sky blue eyes and a figure that hinted at malnutrition. Timmy was only eleven years old, and he went to the University of Toronto. He started school in early September, way back in the year 2008.

Now as you can already tell, Timmy was no ordinary boy. He was special in a lot of ways. But the past is boring, so let us not dwell on it too much(to save the light of human interest) and let's fast-forward to the interesting bits....

The month of September went by in a flash, and with each day that passed, Timmy learned something new about himself. Imagine the wisdom he gained to this day! October 9th, 5am in the morning.... that's a lot of self realization....

But anyway, the past is boring(deja vu?). And with that awesome segway, i bring you into the present life of Timothy Swanson.
***

Today was a strange day. It started out like any other day, and soon turned into a sleepy day... let me elaborate to the best i can......

i slept... a lot.......

there was no motive behind my sleep... i hadn't been up late the night before. I wasn't tired, but I slept. And oh how sweet today's slumber was.

My sleepiness began in the afternoon at the computer labs, where i was hopelessly trying to figure out what the hell a pascals triangle looked like. After about 30 minutes of intense and completely unproductive programming, i pushed the keyboard aside (with a passion i might add) and lay my head down on my extremely fluffy red jacket :D

two hours late, i awake, and realize that its two hours later. i decide to take this intense action to my bed(no innuendo intended...)

The computer labs and my bed are quite far apart... and this brings me to the highlight of my day - the walk home.

It was raining outside. It wasn't really raining, more like a sprinkle of little drops of awesomeness. The sky was white. People around me were going insane!(seeking refuge under umbrellas from this outraged idea of water falling from the sky) and i was walking home.

The leaves on the trees have started to turn a shade of yellow. Most of them had fallen off their branches. Now they just lay on the ground, covering the footpath. They looked tired and beat down by the sprinkle of awesomeness. To me, that just seemed straight up weak. but maybe I was looking at them all wrong... They lay on the footpath, still. No more swaying in the wind, no more work, no more anything...
just stillness.

And as i reflected on this thought, the most picturesque scene i could think of popped into my head...

"And as i reflected upon this extremely profound analogy that had probed me to self-conjure some insight, i stood still. The rain was still sprinkling(for the lack of a better word) and the people around me were still distraught with insanity, but i stood still. I closed my eyes and raised my head, pretending to look up into the heavens. Indeed it was all very picturesque :D"

However, i have come to realize that I am far from perfect, and this life is far from picturesque. So instead i quickened my step, and went straight to bed.

Indeed today was a sleepy day.

Extreme rant.. Inspiration ch 1. Kevin

2008-08-23T08:45:00.000-07:00

Inspiration comes in different shapes and sizes... the next few lines are written because I was momentarily lifted very very high, and I need to remember that moment.

*

The first time I saw him, I was amazed. Well over six feet tall, athletic beyond measure - a man who clearly respected himself. He didn't say much to me, but in the few words that he did say, I knew he treated me with a certain respect as well... it was strange. I was nobody to him...

He stood on the court, silent. It was clear to see his compassion for the sport and his respect for the lines he stood within, but at that moment, he was still.
His focus was overwhelming.

*

Sometimes the spirit of sport doesn't lie in competition. Medals and trophies lose luster with time. A legacy can so easily be forgotten.

Sometimes it is enough to simply understand an art - to practice it, to culture yourself to grow with it, to discipline yourself to respect it.

An understanding that would last a lifetime, perhaps longer.

In his stillness, I saw that he was on a path of understanding, and I was inspired to join him.

You summed it up so simply.

"Just for fun man, just for fun"

here we go

2008-08-21T23:53:00.001-07:00

so this is what life is like... nobody to wake you up in the morning.. nobody to do your laundry for you or get you lunch or make you a cup of coffee...

so this is what life is like... when nobody knows who you are.. nobody cares about who you are... invisible....

i had it easy... i had money in my pocket... a place to go to once in a while... someone to meet...

and yet i sit here, realizing how precious those goodnight kisses were....

Extreme Rant ... Free Falling

2008-07-30T17:33:00.000-07:00

I remember it like it was yesterday. How twenty-seven years can just blow by, I know not. All I know is that I remember it like it was yesterday.

It was night, a Wednesday. I felt a gentle breeze, unknown to those three hundred feet below me. Sometimes when I sit in this rotting wooden chair and reflect, I can still feel the tenderness of that breeze. My feet were dangling from the edge, so free that they swayed in unison with the birds that flew overhead. I closed my eyes and looked up to the stars. My eyes were closed but I could see each star, bright as ever. They shone so bright that I could feel my shadow behind me, dancing in delight. He wasn't around much at night.

I wanted to go there, where the stars were. I always knew I didn't belong here. This feeling....it confused me, muddled my thoughts. I tried hard to think, to reason, but I couldn't concentrate. I was distracted by the sound of the incessant thumping of my heart. I wished that the sounds of the cars on the road below were louder so as to drown out the shrieking protests of my heart. I took solace in knowing that there would be silence soon.

And then I was flying. I felt gravity leave my body. I felt no weight. I flew to the past. I saw myself as a child, doing what children do. I saw myself as a wanting man, doing what men do. I saw myself as I am now, full of imperfection, but seeking fulfillment in the night's sky.

And then I was falling. Faster and faster and faster towards that hard, bitter ground. I could feel my skin begin to burn with the heat. And in a moment I was there. The dirt on the ground vaulted into the air to welcome me.

The dirt was eager, but i was not. I felt a gentle breeze, unknown to those among the stars. The breeze held me suspended, a foot from the ground. She cradled me as a mother would her child. In a moment I felt heavy again, but she took the weight.

I opened my eyes, and I was here again, my feet dangling from the edge. The tenderness of the breeze against my skin.

I remember it like it was yesterday.

EPIPHANY - Staind

2008-07-25T04:32:00.000-07:00

Your words they make just a whisper
Your face is so unclear
I try to pay attention
And the words just disappear

'Cause it's always raining in my head
Forget all the things i should have said

So i speak to you in riddles
'Cause my words get in my way
I smoke the whole thing to my head
And feel it wash away
'Cause i can't take anymore of this
I wanna come apart
Or dig myself a little hole
Inside your precious heart

'Cause it's always raining in my head
Forget all the things i should have said

I am nothing more than
A little boy inside
That cries out for attention
Yet i always try to hide
'Cause i talk to you like children
Though i don't know how i feel
But i know i'll do the right thing
If the right thing isn't fear

'Cause its always raining in my head
Forget all the things i should have said

Extreme Rant... I am what you make of me....

2008-07-17T19:12:00.000-07:00

I really like to write about myself, but i just realized that I am what i am because of you... so this one's for you

You cared about me the most even though u didn't need to. You trusted me because you understood who i was, and when i let you down, you forgave me in an instant. You always spoke your mind and you were never afraid of what people thought. You taught me that friends always come first. What you didn't realize is that when you needed me, I needed you more, and when you thought that i was there for you, it was actually you who was there for me.
***

If i have achieved anything the past few years, it's because of you. You showed me so much about myself because you were able to see me in a way that no one ever could. You stood by me when i needed someone, even though i never asked. You knew my imperfections, but instead of ignoring them, you embraced them as a part of me. Together, we discovered music, and it has changed both our lives forever. We spoke about everything, and yet, we never ran out of things to talk about. People could spend a lifetime looking for a friend like you, but more than my friend, you were my brother.
***

You were my big bundle of joy, spectacular in your very special way. You valued the small things in our friendship, and we shared something very unique in this simplicity. You appreciated me when nobody else did, and I know that you meant every word you said. We might not have much in common, but you shared and understood my feelings in such a profound manner and you made it easy to be your friend. You were always humble, even when you never got the credit that you deserve. There are very few people who are as awesome as you are, and even fewer as lucky as I am, to have you as my friend.
***

1, 2, 3, OLA!

2008-06-19T00:38:00.000-07:00

i have neglected this place for quite some time, and i dont like that i have.

what is nirvana? can you close your eyes right now, take a deep breath and experience that overwhelming feeling of absolute connection with the air that cushions your body? can you feel that electrifying static of energy that is ready to bound from your skin at any given chance? do you feel alive in this moment?

i admit that i am impatient. when it comes to feeling good, i want to feel good now! but sometimes things take time. people take time and emotions take time to develop and it pisses the hell out of me, but thats just the way it is right? but i also like to think i have a choice. i have a choice to feel good whenever i want and my reason for doing so is the simple fact that having the choice of feeling good at any given time kinda makes me feel good.. :P

so i am going to jump, and i am going to sing, and i am going to dance and i am going to shout at the top of my lungs so that everyone around me knows that i feel good and that they have a choice to do the same. i am not going to spend my words on searching for my happiness, for the simple fact is that my silence will let me hear it coming towards me, and when i close my eyes i will see it surround me, and when i take a deep breath, i will smell it and feel it enter me.

and then i will be happy.

extreme rant...so true

2008-05-08T14:37:00.000-07:00

Do you ever feel like there are some days that you just don't feel like yourself... its one of those feelings that you cant really describe, but ill try anyway....

i feel like there's this huge rock sitting on my chest, and it keeps getting heavier and heavier. I feel like its impossible to carry my own weight anymore... i don't control the words i say, the things i do...

I miss you, who ever you are, wherever you are... i need you right now

Extreme Rant Volume 2 billion Ch 1... Dear Sir,

2008-04-24T10:06:00.000-07:00

'Are you afraid sir?'
'Afraid of what?'
'Afraid sir, of being inadequate. Afraid that you have come this far, and you find that there is someone stronger, faster, smarter than you are. Afraid that even though you are in the right place at the right time, you really are not.'
'All the time.'

'Are you hurt sir?'
'Hurt?'
'Yes sir, hurt. Hurt that while you lay to rest at night, there is someone out there who is sweating blood to be better than you. Hurt that nothing ever works out the way you imagine. Hurt that you are alone.'
'I guess I am...'

'So then why do you do it sir? Why do you continue down this road of fallacy and hopelessness? Why don't you just give up?'

'I... I don't know...'

American Idol Season 7 What I Think!!

2008-04-17T10:59:00.000-07:00

Aight.. i need to do this post now because i fear it will be too late in 6 weeks time... This post is my attempt to knock some sense into anyone who comes to this page and doesnot agree with this post (i think that about covers everyone).

Im going to keep this short and sweet... here are my top five american idol performances and my top four contestants this year... and i doubt the latter list will change...

Contestants:
4. Syesha Mercado (Yes, he said it)
3. Carly Smithson
2. Michael Johns
1. David Cook

Performances:

5. Michael Johns - We Are The Champions - Week 3

4. Syesha Mercado - I Will Always Love You - Week 4

3. Carly Smithson - Come Together - Week 1

2. Michael Johns - It's All Wrong - Week 4

1. (drum roll) David Cook - Billie Jean - Week 3

I dare anyone to disagree!!! muahahahahaha

Never Meant To Be.....Really LONG POST No. 1...

2008-04-12T15:09:00.000-07:00

have you ever thought that some things were never meant to be? I guess its easier to dismis those things as a written in our fate rather than to accept them as somethin that we could have controled... i guess fate is another word for the past...

The next few of my posts are going to be some essays that i had written for college applications...here is the first one

Write an essay in which you tell us about someone who has made an impact on your life and explain how and why this person is important to you:

The summer of 2007, I decided to join a group called the Special Family Support group. I got the opportunity to work with children with special needs. During this time, I met a very special girl. Leah is eight years old and she has multi-sensory disorder.

Leah affected me from the moment we met. I spent most of my summer with her, in silent conversation. The words that she couldn’t say were amplified in her silence, and thus they had twice the effect on me. I heard her thoughts and not her words. What did we talk about? We talked about everything, from her freedom to her institutionalization. We talked about the sun and the stars, the air and the rain. She had an unadulterated innocence that was magnetic. I feel special because I am able to see something special within Leah. This is what makes my bond with her so strong.

In today’s fast paced world, it has become increasingly easy for us to dismiss our surroundings. We see and hear what we wish to and so we are trapped within this illusion that is created by our own egos. Today, we don’t have time to stop and listen. We can’t even find time to pause for a moment and observe the beauty that surrounds us. We have lost that strong human instinct of curiosity. Leah has all the time in the world, and all she wants to do is listen. All she wants to do is see nature in its true beauty, and in that, she becomes a part of nature. Leah inspires me to look deep within myself and to find my own light. She inspires me to move others around me, not with meaningless words, but with my thoughts and actions.

Leah is important to me not only because she has touched me at such a profoundly deep level, but also because she has shown me that my life is much more than a mundane day to day experience. Her attitude towards living is something that everyone can learn from. She is not burdened by the setbacks that she faces. She does not let her physical being affect her and this is why I believe that Leah is such a strong character at a much deeper level.

I have changed a lot since my encounter with Leah. I have become more aware and in tune with the people around me. Now, I am able to express myself more freely. Furthermore, I am able to better assess my own character because I am not burdened with the superficial expectations of society. There will always be barriers and restrictions that will prevent me from allowing these deep emotions to overwhelm me. I am ready to accept my social obligations and responsibilities. However, these barriers do not exist within me and I know that at my core, my soul will always be free, forever learning, forever experiencing and forever feeling, just like Leah.

The Day After Today

2008-03-24T14:35:00.000-07:00

My exams are over. Comp was ok, chem was aight, evs was evs. They were exams. They don’t deserve their own posts. Stupid exams.

I've had a lot of time on my hands to think and reflect on a lot of things that I generally don’t notice or rather bother to think and reflect about normally. Most of these thoughts are temporary whims that I can't remember even 10 minutes after I have thought them, although I do believe them to be worthwhile solely for the fact that I am thinking them in the first place and the hesitations that is outwardly shown does not exist inwardly. *I’m sorry people but this is a rant... if you are beginning to get a headache now, either stop, or take an aspirin and continue*

When I try to write down what I think, it's never perfect because I know that even though I know that the words that I need to say what I want exist, they fleet me in a horrendous traitorous manner and leave me dry with what I have in hand. Then, I shall try to do with what I have for there is no choice left at this point in time and space.

The questions that entice my thoughts are generally unfathomable to begin with, but they do provoke me to think about other things. This time in my life is supposed to be enriched with intense emotions from deep memories and the conclusion of what is supposed to be a chapter in the book that is my life. Why do I feel no different? Yesterday I was trying to put together this crazy puzzle that is my life, and today I am doing it all over again, and I know that I’ll be doing it again tomorrow. I don’t feel at all for my school life, and for the first 17 years and 9 months of my life. The past has become near meaningless and suddenly I am falling into this pit of routine. The things that I do may be different. The people might be new and the mannerism of living might change, but I feel the same.

Don't get me wrong.... I hardly feel suicidal. I enjoy living my life and being happy (most of the time). In fact I sometimes enjoy sadness and loneliness as well. But I sometimes question whether my life would be anything more than just that. I feel like a video game that has been played ruthlessly enough to become predictable, a TV show that carves out definite characters who are forced to take a stand and have an opinion on everything. There IS a flame that burns inside of me, longing for something more than this excuse for a meaningful life. I could accomplish and conquer anything that I want and I know it, but where will I ever find my own true pricelessness.

I'm through pretending that I’m satisfied with this life. I want more and I’m not afraid to ask for it. I want to be optimistic so I will be and damn you all who think this cry is a false lullaby to calm my own senses. Today I issue a warning to the world. Be prepared, because when I come at you, you will be shocked. You will be terrified and you will be awed.

If there is truth in the saying that the brightest flame burns the quickest, then I shall take my stand now. But I ask only one thing from you. Let me burn the brightest that I can. LET me shine.

The Phoenix Suns

2008-03-09T16:00:00.000-07:00

I rarely do a post like this over here. Infact i think this is the first time i am stepping out of my blogging norm... either way it don’t matter.

I just finished listening to a basketball match between the Suns and the Spurs... i get to tune in to the occasional NBA match on one of the US radio networks and it’s awesome even though it’s only audio...

Well... i support the Phoenix Suns not only because they are a heck of a team, but also because the Suns probably have the hardest working players in the league (aside from Kobe, Lebron, Garnett and the Pistons). These set of 12 players strive to play a traditional fast paced and action packed 48 minutes of basketball even if it means that they have to put in a lot more effort than other teams, and i think that they deserve due appreciation for that.

What i don’t like to see as a sports fan and a sports person, are extremely qualified and talented sportsmen that take cheap shots and get cheesy on the court. Tony Parker would top my list of sports-asses, and close in second would probably be his coach Gregg Popovich. There’s no doubt that they both have a lot of passion and are awesome at what they do, but the manner in which they conduct themselves is really disgraceful. If there is anyone out there who disagrees, feel free to rebut.

The Suns beat the Spurs today in an extremely thrilling match that went down to the final minutes of play. Despite the moments of yuckyness that the Spurs brought to the game, coupled with a bunch of knuckleheaded referees, the Suns managed to pull through. To me, the win doesn’t matter much, and i know it won’t affect the league in a huge way either. Rather it’s the awesome display of kickass attitude that the Suns showed that makes me feel proud to be a fan.

My feelings can be summed up by what Nash said after the game, responding to a question about the irresponsible refereeing. I'm not going to quote him because i don't want to get it wrong, but what he said was -
That's[refereeing] a battle that you can't win and sometimes it drains a lot of energy from you, but you've got to keep your head up and focus on the game and play as hard as you can.

Awesome awesome awesome!

Examotions part 3 - MATESSSSS

2008-03-07T05:37:00.001-08:00

maths is fun fun fun
numbers here n numbers there
where do all the numbers go
when the lights go dowwwwwwn
i think i know where all the numbers goooo

they've all become volvo driving soccer moms!

maths is awesome... there aint nothin better than a whole bunch of x's and y's and pies
aparently maths has more of those than numbers but its all good when it comes down to mates!

Examotions Part 2 - Physics

2008-03-04T23:03:00.000-08:00

Its about an hour before my physics exam and i am filled with mixed feelings... physics in modern high has always been about finishing whats on the index page so i could cross it out, and sometimes i do regret not taking out that little time to know something extra...

Somehow, everything seems to make sense and everything has a reason in the world of physics. All the rules and laws binding us all to this place is basically what physics is about... Reminds me of the things in this world that are just out of our control... feels nice not to have control over everything in my life...

I like physics because it is perfect in every respect... theres always a logical solution to every question. Physics is the epitome of idealism ... almost like a dreamworld... that world of physics is an ideal world of awesome perfection and this is what makes physics pretty cool...

still cant wait to get it over with though :P

Examotions Volume 2 part 1 - ELit

2008-03-02T13:00:00.000-08:00

February is nowhere near the shortest month in the year. Well the buzz nowadays is focused on this new studying fad, and because my school is different, all the cool kids are doin it...

Tis roughly 11 hours before my literature test, and this weekend has been very up-and-down for me... literature has always forced me to ask questions about how i am living my own life and it pushes me to think a lot... and thinking is very tiring...
Here are some of the questions that have gone through my mind... maybe if i share them with you, you could find something new about yourself...

I have lived my life grabbing each and every opportunity that i could.. making the best of it... i have won praise and respect... when i leave this place, what will that be worth?

I have lived quite an eventful life, full of people, memories and experiences both good and bad... if i had the chance, would i live it over again and do things differently? What do i have to regret?
If i die tomorrow, could i say that i was ready? does my life really belong to me?

Have i ever witnessed something majestic? Have i ever felt complete, enlightened, full? Have i ever been able to connect with anything at the most profound level... how shallow have i been, and what has it blinded me from seeing? Do i really cherish the small, inanimate, silent things in life?

To what extent would i go to get what i want? would i be able to let go of things i love to discover something new? how would i be able to deal with change and goodbyes?

Sorry billy, but i disagree with you on this... Confusion hath yet to make its masterpiece

p.s if u want the daily scoop on our exams like Anish had documented them last year... you will find it here

change

2008-02-10T11:42:00.000-08:00

shaun marion got traded to the heat, and shaq came to the suns.. marcus banks' story got lost somewhere in between...

change is hard. its really hard. letting go is worse... leaving something behind and moving onto new things... we did it in that poem .. Journey of the Magi... something about every death being a necessity for a rebirth.

i remember as a kid... when i was over at Sahil/Kapils place... i never wanted to go home.. i would fight with my mom to let me stay over after a party... i never wanted it to end....

its in my nature to hold on to things tightly... never come down from the high of the rainbow...even though coming down might carry the possibility of a pot of gold tomorrow...

as a kid... i was innocent... i lived in the moment and i never wanted that moment to end.....

so tell me... am i wrong? am i wrong in wanting to live this moment forever instead of growing up and learning something new? please tell me

p.s sorry nishant... im not really bothering about punctuation... i know it might be more difficult to read and all that... but im really too lazy :P

Extreme rant...where to begin.. simple perfection

2008-02-02T08:10:00.000-08:00

i have a lot to write, but im not going to write it all at once, because each post is very different from the other.. im going to start tho with this one. its an i-like-to-return-to-the-classics kind of thing dating back to the time when there was this emotion.....

well...theres this emotion :D its momentary, a flicker a snatch of for-the-lack-of-a-better-word-enlightenent.

I don't know many basketball players personally. Infact, i can count the number of people that i know enjoy the game. I play basketball, and i know many a person that finds this strange, because like all sports, it is a very strange avocation.

But theres something enchanting about basketball. For that one moment, one split second, when i jump and toss the ball with subconscious-awesome-precision, and the ball finds nothing but the bottom of the net... swwwwwwwiishh

that is perfection. It cannot get better than that feeling, that moment of elation-joy-awesome. It is then that i feel that nothing separates MJ the great from Udai the 5'7" tosser. The next shot could be a brick, but it is in that moment... that moment...It cannot get better than that.

Extreme Rant - Amalgamation

2008-01-17T15:45:00.000-08:00

have you ever felt like the world around you is falling apart. just like a bad dream or a really horrible movie that you dont really want to watch, things begin to go wrong. theres this intense feeling of lonliness as if you are the only one who can see these things around you fall apart. nobody can understand the feeling i feel right now. i am the only one who feels it. others could feel the same way as i do. they could experience the same twist of emotions, but there is only one me. you cannot be me and feel this.

sympathy is hard to come by in a world of shameful silence. i type these words being an utmost hypocrite. a cynic and a useless bystander... chosing not to do anything about it...

when had i made this choice?

have you ever felt like you are missing out? the intensity of an mp3 recording is near to lifeless. the songs on the radio seem to forever be trapped. the winds seem restricted.... the rain falls with permission... so whats left? why does time play these tricks with me. i know that nobody belongs to time... and yet we all do belong to time... why does it tempt me with things it cannot give me?

everytime i jump, i come back to the ground. two feet high... maybe a few more inches... and then i return. one second... maybe another moment... and then i return.

everything that leaves the ground must return, a law discovered by a man who sat under an apple tree. it was nature that showed him the light....

who is nature? can i befriend nature, request her to change her laws... to make an exception.

i have gone through this moment so many times in my head. i dream about it, even when im not asleep... and yet i dont want it bad enough. if i wanted it so much... if i needed it... i would grab it with both hands, because i can see it...

it lies on a shelf... 10 feet above my head...

so now i stand at a junction and i ask you... whoever you are... to give me strenght
give me strength to rise above myself... to flood this land with the awesome passion that fills me...
or else drain me... drain me and my spirit and my soul... for i shall be worth nothing but dry dust that covers the walls in eternal wait.

Ramble On

2008-01-04T10:49:00.000-08:00

New Year's Resolutions:
1. To be awesome.
2. To fly.

Extreme Rant Vol. umm,... lost

2007-12-27T05:04:00.000-08:00

He sat and stared at me from across the small living room. The silence was building and i knew that he was going to tell me something that i didn't want to hear. He looked down, his eyes closed, and then as if unsatisfied with his search for the right words, he looks at me and says, " I dont like your attitude. i think you are arrogant and disrespectful. right now, if you continue to act this way, you will go nowhere."

Have you ever had to listen to the truth? You know that its going to hurt, and you know that you made the decisions that lead to to this situation. now you have to hear it and its going to stink.

So often i brag about my goal in life. I talk of this journey of self discovery and understanding. how i want to know and understand myself better so that i can come closer to answering that almighty question...

Who am i?

Today, I've lost myself. I've been searching so hard that I've slipped and fallen on the ground that has carried me thus far. How do i feel? I feel blind. Blind because in every direction i turn, there is no answer.... because i don't know whether my decisions are responsible anymore.... because i have failed to see myself. I have let my mind slip, and every time i catch it again... i begin to lose grip of it once more...

silence is temporary... i have to get up and walk away from that flame, because theres always something to do next.

the end of an awesome journey

2007-12-10T15:43:00.000-08:00

Have you ever come to the end of something. The end of a fun evening... the end of a donut... you get what i mean...

well today i came to the end of something. I came to the end of my basketball career in my school. And even though its been quite an uneventful day, i feel overwhelmed with emotions. I remember my first few days playing basketball at modern.... i was the smallest player on the court, and still hold that reputation :D

It has been a long journey. People have left, and people have arrived. Connections were made, and connections were broken as well. In the midst of this all, i have managed to be a quite part of it all, and i have had the privilege to experience the best and the worst of it all.

I might not have found any gold at the end of this rainbow, but i know that i have achieved something much greater. for those 40 odd minutes that i was on the basketball court... whether we were winning or losing, i felt like I was on cloud nine. I felt uplifted and nothing in the world could bring me down. It was and still is my calling. It doesn't matter if any other person appreciates that... it doesn't even matter if i go on to do great things for the sport. all that matters is that i know that i believed in myself. i know that it felt right...

thats all that matters to me....

thanks guys for a great year of basketball.

Extreme Rant - after a long time - free falling

2007-11-09T08:26:00.000-08:00

"Who can be wise, amaz'd, temp'rate, and furious, loyal and neutral, in a moment?"

i have lost myself.

some time ago, when i hadn't the need to think so much, i had a method to life. i had made up my mind that i would be the master of my emotions. by doing so, i became the master of my actions and reactions. I would not feel sadness. i would not feel stress. i would feed off my anger and i would be happy whenever i wanted.

I remember one particular day when nothing went right for me. I felt frustration creep into me, feel it pound on me from the inside. My temples pulsed furiously and my jaws were locked. However, i didn't only feel frustration. I felt a strong urge to break down. I felt the need of a mental shutdown even if it was for a moment..

that was exactly what followed...

after my momentary loss of all control over my emotions, i felt a sudden serene calmness within me. My mind was clear, as if someone had pushed a reset button in there. All i could do was close my eyes and fall limb. My muscles were relaxed and free. I could see happiness, touch sadness, feel emptiness, hear anger - it was like a drug

there is no theme here... nothing to really have an opinion on, unless one could relate with the immense rush of emotions that could be experienced at the same time...

I am not happy. I am not sad. I am not frustrated, or angry or wanting

I am all - a cocktail of emotions, like waves of different colors, splashing against each other...

i control my emotions and my emotions control me...

DOH! oh well..............

2007-09-27T09:56:00.000-07:00

ive grown up.... crap!

i had avoided it up to this point, but it just happened without any warning.Truth is, i never had control over it(whatever it is)... its just one of those things that happens without you even noticing, one of those things that just falls into place by itself. Of course its a culmination of all the small instances that i have experienced and it will be one endlesssss process which begins and ends int the 'now', getting more and more dull as time passes by....

But i don't want to lose myself. I don't want to lose that kid that defines me because that is who i really am. And so i shall forever hold on to donuts and empty ink cartridges, because i know that when i do lose him, i would become the equivalent of a deep fried sareli bengan.... n i don't wanna be a deep fried sareli bengan

i believe that everything happens or dosen't happen for a reason... be it growing up, or being at a certain place at a certain time... or just simply being. because i believe that if i can unconsciously do something like grow up... imagine all the other stuff that im doing, scheming and thinking of without me even knowing it myself!! i could have a master plan to take over the world and i would never know it.....

maybe these are the real strings that control our lives.... maybe we dont really have control over anything... the decisions we make.. the path we choose... all already done at a deeeeeep subconscious level... and all we gotsa do is say the words

well... i have complete faith in.... umm ... i dont know what yet... but i know that everythings gonna be alright.....its just meant to be

sigh :P twinkle

2007-09-08T07:39:00.000-07:00

"it went off well", i said to myself. "I'd give it about an eight on ten. Maybe i could have done better. Maybe i shouldnt have made that comment. That awkward silence is still ringing in my head, but i recovered well."

"Hi. I know you dont know me. Heck i dont even know you, but is that what matters here? I saw a twinkle in you eyes. I know that says more than any conversation. Can't you see that too?". She stares back at me, confuddled by the goofyness of the situation. My fate at her disposal, she opens her mouth to say something but stops. She tries again, but sighs instead. She smiles in confusion/fascination.

"I think im in love with you". I sigh and look at her in hopelessness. What a fool i am! I'm not in love with her! Such a Fool!

"I mean, uh... thats not...not what i mean. Umm... me.. the i.. twinkle... *sigh*"

She looks at me thoughtfully.

"I understand"

Extreme Rant - Do ya know what i mean?????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

2007-08-10T20:15:00.000-07:00

so ive been reading this book yea.... muhahahahahahahahahhahahahahaha!!! i shall be smarter than annnnnnyyyyyyyyyyyyone aliveeee!!!!!!!!!! *wide eyes and huge evil grin!*

okok... so i have read like 5 books.... FINE have it your way punk!!! nyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyhu.... when i do read books :D:D .... I'm not gonna get through a sentense today ....okokok.... when i dooo read books ... theres always a line or two that makes a huge impact on me.... yesterday night.... it was this one....

"Always I had kept my distance, all these years on the island, knowing this day was to come. And yet when had they slipped into my heart, these girl-women glowing translucent, chaste and alabaster, the last ones in the world to know who i was, and how it felt to be me."

i have thought of this often... its a wierd thought... kinda reminds me of MIB... with that alien guy sitting in his human body head if u know what i mean... its soooo wierrrrrrrrrrrrdddddd.... sometimes i just cant come to terms with being human... being alive.... being who i am.... not in an 'i hate myself' way... but more like fascination.... and if you think about it... we must be one bunch of reallly lucky people to exist at all... to be present at this place .... the right place... at the exactly right time... the odds are a trillion gazillion to nothing.... thats how impossible it is... but we are still here....

is it completely circumstantial? are we meant to just sit around and exist and get over with it? can our dreams and ambitions count for more than a joke? however insane they might be... because if you think about it... even taking over the world seems insignificant to me...

and even after this extremely lucky circumstance...the simplest of things... like existing, surviving has become near damn impossible...unless your "bank account" is lush.... i mean COME ON PEOPLE... is this what it has come to?? a world where the more you work, the less you get... if u wanna get off ur ass n get a job n pay your "bills", you will survive... because you are contributing to the growth of the society... because that is our purpose here... to have systems... to make sure that we work as a team... to make sure that everyone contributes to their society and to punish those farts sitting in front of the TV drinking a lager and only ever getting up to go crap and/or get another drink...

so then what?

we cant just have been made to exist... there must be something we are missing...

i'd like to believe that each of us... we do have something special... a power unique to us... but we spend this life either ignorant of it... or searching for it in vain...

to be a part of this crazy combination CANNOT end in such trivialism.... so now this is me... calling to you... to search within yourself... as i too will... look deeeeep inside for that spark that will set you ablaze in all your glory and you will shine like never before because i know for a fact that nothing this extraordinary could ever be so dim.

extreme rant - keyboard fury

2007-08-06T08:19:00.000-07:00

this is what i fear most... the blank empty box... so im filling it up real quick so i don't get the chance to think about it... its my way to deal with things i fear... do it quick so i don't realize the impact of my actions until ive done it and now i cant really go back...........

ok... huge realization... been meaning to write this down for some time now.... people are always fretting on the meaning of life... and our purpose here and all that... well this is what i think.... i don't care if its true or not or if its what i want to hear that i hear

i have lived 17 year and i have experienced some things... some i still wait to experience... but one thing that i have experienced in a big way is failure... and if its one thing that i have learnt from my failures... it is this....

i have realized that i want to spend my life trying to give to others what i couldn't get... and this might seem immature for a 17 year old to say... but its true to me and that's whats important... every person has certain desires... every person gets depressed... sad... i know that sinking feeling... i want to be able to change and be able to create those opportunities that i dream of having...

i am an idealist... i believe everyone to be like me... i believe that people feel the same emotions.. think the same way... it will be my downfall... but i will never stop believing in me.

Extreme Rant Vol 3 ch 2 I dont care what you believe!! =P

2007-07-12T11:06:00.000-07:00

There are only four questions of life
What is sacred?
Of what is the spirit made?
What is worth living for?
What is worth dying for?

The answer to all is the same
only love

Destiny is a funny thing... you never quite know when it hits you in the face. Sometimes you do recognize it...simple things in our daily lives...the feeling that you experience when something like that does happen can only be described as awe... over the past few days, i have experienced quite a lot, i have had a lot of time to think, and i have gone thorough many an emotion... but nothing could compare to that particular smile on my face when i knew that i had experienced destiny.

You might be thinking that this guy is full of shit, talking as if he knows all about the spirit, the higher being and all that.... truth is that i don't really know about what i know, because there are very few people who actually know, and i have never confirmed with them if what i know is.

Ok... down to it... my first experience was on the first of July... i had joined an art of living course and didn't know exactly where the place was... when we finally reached the location, i couldn't believe my eyes... there, across the art of living building, was the building with the golden waves... better known as the new gold souq. I had been looooonging to go to the building with the golden waves for quite some time now, but i never knew where it was, or had the resources to actually get there.... and there it was, across the road....

my second experience was just a few minutes ago... i opened my blog... decided to write a post, but couldn't think of nything special... so i went downstairs to see what was on the tele... there was a movie on...i had seen this movie ages ago... and in a specific scene, i remembered that the actor says the lines above... the ones about love... and i never remembered what he said... but i knew it was awsome... and when i switched on the tele... that particular scene was on...the first thing i heard... blog post destiny!

if that aint destiny... i don't know what is...

Extreme rant Vol. 3 ch 1 - What Does This Mean??

2007-06-21T13:25:00.000-07:00

there are times in my life when i want to be completely alone... shut out from the rest of the world... and there are times when i feel so insignificant that it hurts...

those are the times that i tend to think to myself about all those other people around the world who never seem to be lonely... significant people...and then I'm wondering... i couldn't be completely insignificant... i do have my own little responsibilities and relationships... just in a less glamorous way...

but isn't that what we all are aiming for in life... I want to go to an awsome good looking college... i want to get a nice position at a successful company... i want to have a nice apartment and a good looking girlfriend.

but then i ask myself this question... why? ... why do i want all these things that i know are unimportant... why am i kidding myself... such a paradox really, to know that ur fooling yourself and then live life in pursuit of that dream, a life filled with false hopes which we prefer to call dreams.

im not a negative person... im not a pessimist.. mostly :P ... i too want the awsome cool life... and that is where im lacking in understanding... that is where im lacking in self belief...

now self belief? what the hell does that have to do with anything? the simple fact is that one always tends to want to prove something to someone else... i want to make sure that everybody knows how awsome and great my life is.... why is it that i cant find the courage to say ... f*** the world... and for once let me prove to myself that i am capable of achieving something... it doesn't have to be on youtube, it doesn't have to be a hot conversation topic.... but a silent achievement which leads to you appreciating yourself.

when i have learnt this... things will change... in the long run... there will be more people who see me for who i am and not for what i wear.

kiss the rim

2007-06-01T12:35:00.000-07:00

two words - flight school

Extreme Rant Vol 2 Ch 4- Stupid Time

2007-05-30T04:15:00.000-07:00

i hate time. Time is that stupid thing that always screws your Prince of Persia game up. Time is that stupid thing that you always lose and never gain. Time is such a stupid thing!

There are moments in my life that i wish i could relive... maybe do things differently. Now you must be thinking, this kid is only 16, how regretful could he possibly be?

Only a regretful 16 year old would understand.

life today has become a challenge, a competition of man against time, but more often than not, by the time we realize this, its too goddamn late! It is scary, how close Prince of Persia is related to real life. Each one of us starts off with a full meter, not knowing the challenges that lie ahead of us. With time, we gain experience, and learn the tricks of the trade. towards the end, we realize that it is a race against time. you panic, rush, and muck up even more, and you never get the goddamn princess!!!

People say that one must find solace in the fact that there will be a brighter future, and to know that you have contributed to molding that future should compensate for the time that you have lost in your life... what bull...
the only happyness or satisfaction that i would ever get, is if i was part of that future... selfish and self obsessed as it may seem. but unfortunately, life doesn't work that way.

time and i have a special relationship. It is the only thing that i know i will have in my dying breath... the only thing that i can take from this earth with me when my life is over... and for that, i am grateful.

Extreme Rant Vol 2 Ch 3 - If i had a candle

2007-05-12T14:27:00.000-07:00

if i had a candle, what would i do with it? i would light it. watch the flame. The flame is.... enchanting. all phylo bull aside... real emos in play... i feel nice. i feel calm. i am watching the flame... concentrating on it... blocking out everything else. i feel its warmth.i can close my eyes, and still picture it in my head. in the infinite darkness, a candle burns, glows, illuminating the space around it, but its light is swallwed by the darkness.

Someone walks into the room...i look up from the candle, battling my fascination. this person begins to talk. She talks about the future, she talks about the past. i feel a pang of guilt... the candle is burning out, and she cannot see it.

That flame is gone now. I wish i could feel its warmth once again, but i feel nothing.

The regret sets in... *it was so perfect, i felt so nice... where did it go?*

The longing comes next... *will there ever be anyone who can share that warmth with me? will there ever be anyone who will understand?*

i dont feel like talking.... i feel quiet... so i say nothing.

Green pens and black ink - Part 2

2007-05-04T08:07:00.000-07:00

ohk... this is the second part of an entry i made some time ago (http://udaikapila.blogspot.com/2007/02/ohk.html), about the documentary that was made last year. Since i was in India for most of the summer, i couldn't really do much, but i still kept in touch with Dhruv via emails. He replied to my initial mail, and gave me a second assignment. He asked me to look around India and tell him what I saw. If I had the chance to direct a film about India, what would MY story be.

This is what i wrote:

hey dhruv,
sorry i took so long to reply. i havn't been able to access a comp for some time...we r doin some serious traveling around... and so most of my trip has been in a car or in an airport, train station...etc...we've gone to kolkatta, chandhigar, delhi, thats where i am now, and all parts of harayana....i thought about what u asked me for some time, and then i wrote this down... please take into account that i havn't slept the whole night ;) ... i'm serious....

i was at a train station on my way to chandhigar from delhi. We were walking towards our platform when i spotted a lady in rags sitting on the floor. She was chanting, both her hands held up. she stared from one hand to the other. when i looked more carefully, i realized that she was holding a blade in one hand. shocked, i silently passed.

I'm in a car. I am looking out of the window, my headphones on because i can't stand the horns. I have already counted eight butta sellers sitting on the pavement, countless fruit carts, and even more rickshaws. at night, these same rickshaws have their worn out drivers sleeping in them.

now when i think about it, when i SEE these people that use a simple footpath, as the place where they earn their whole livelyhood, people that don't know where tonights dinner is going to come from, let alone tomorrow's, people that wait outside factories for discards that they can sell on the streets, people that dig through garbage for a jute bag or a bottle that they think might be useful, or sellable, the only word i can think of is 'struggle'.

this is an issue. not a small issue, an issue that involves and affects most of our indian nation. But why??? Don't we have the largest democracy, supposedly 'for the people' in the world?? is it so hard to provide a simple thing like education to the people. something that can give them some hope, to overcome their struggle? Some support from the country that these same people would give their lives for?

this is what my documentary would be about.

this is a very brief outlook.... ive seen to much to fit into one email....

Extreme Rant Vol 2 Ch 2 :: SAT 2 chemistry :: dance everybody!

2007-04-26T12:43:00.000-07:00

the last week of my life has been hectic. I have had some very good experiences, and some very thoughtful moments. I've gotten to know the people around me.

Today, i feel blank. I want to tell you things that i cant, because there would never be words that are appropriate enough. Even the smallest of my emotions have been magnified. i can feel.

Maybe it is this state of exhaustion that has led me to let my guard down, but i like it. Tomorrow, i shall wake up, with a hundred reasons to give up. And i know that i will have to wait. I want to know what will be, but i must be patient.

As thoughts fill up my mind, i feel the need to pour them out. a place where i can preserve them forever. But each time i put them down on paper, their meaning is lost. That's when i realize that these thoughts are meant for me and me alone... i sit in front of someone, in silence, thinking of the words to use.... blank.

There's this emotion. Simplicity, Blank.

Poetry for the faint hearted - The Unicorns Ride

2007-04-20T10:17:00.000-07:00

I'm not one to post poetry online, because it loses a lot of majesty and feeling when read on a computer monitor... but it has been a while... and i feel the need to update...

this poem is one of my favourites... it is soft, touching and colourful...

The Unicorn's Ride

Over your rainbow
A unicorn flew,
He was sent to find me...
He said by you.
"Climb aboard", he whispered,
"We must go for a ride..."
And into a portal of light
We rode inside.
The sky was so blue,
The fields so green,
With each explosion of light
Was a wonderful scene.
So happy we seem
And always together,
There was no end to your dream,
It just went on forever.
Then the unicorn said
"I have one more surprise..."
So we took off quickly
And pierced the sky.
Then I saw you sleeping
And dreaming in your bed...
I caressed your hair gently
And kissed you on your head.
The unicorn interrupted...
"I must now get you home,
But now that you've seen her dream,
May you never feel alone."
My heart is feeling heavy,
A fire burns inside.
Thank you so much my darling
For the unicorn's ride.

- Eric R. Hughes -

Extreme rant vol 2 ch 1 A spot to think

2007-04-09T01:12:00.000-07:00

Theres this feeling... like when you eat a handful of of sugar... you shake, tremble... tremble.... laughter is easy to come by... theres this feeling

a smile withheld, it feels nice that you can smile... a look in your eye, a look withheld... pure joy!! Theres no other word for it! JOY!!!

When everything seems to fit.... NO!!!

when there is nothing to fit!!! THERE IS NOTHING AT ALL!!!!!

life is like a donut! sweeeet... when i am eating my donut... i don't care about what is happening around me! i am SELFISH as ever!! a sheepish smile... a trembling leg.....

The pure joy of seeing joy in someone else's eyes.... Shandy come running up to me... tongue hanging out... pure joy!!!! theres no other word for it!!! JOY!! i felt it .. it was unavoidable...

Every person has a special spot to think.... a place of complete solitary... a place of complete silence.... i found my spot yesterday... it was on the tennis court... not in the middle of the tennis court... but in a corner, on the side... where i was picking up tennis balls... those who play the sport will relate...

nyhu... its not important where this spot was.... its what i felt there... breathing came easy... concentration was no effort... and i became crystal clear... simply because i didn't need to understand me... just like when you eat a handful of sugar at once....the feeling... the feeling.

p.s done in a hurry... just how i felt right here and now... so don't think too much into it :P:P

Extreme Rant Vol I Ch 5 ...... What the hell is he smoking?

2007-04-05T10:33:00.000-07:00

there's this emotion... i don't know what to call it... i can try and describe it... but i would have to use words that only i know of.

It makes me smile but i know it is not happiness. It makes me sad but i know it is not sadness.

Harmony. Such a sweet word. Rhythm. Groove.

What is harmony? or rather, what does it stand for? Have you ever experienced harmony? The sweet strange sensation that is more than seen, more than heard, more than felt.
A shiver runs down my spine as i close my eyes, and look up into the heavens. A smile. A world without questions. A world without answers, and yet, a world without ignorance. light. darkness. light. darkness.

Do i understand? Should i understand?

I feel a sudden jolt of pain. It feels like death. it disappears in an instant. calmness overcomes my body... The tension of my muscles fade... I feel relaxed.

I am scared to open my eyes so i keep them shut, but i can still see.

I see a flower, swaying in the wind. It is red, beautiful, but i feel emptiness.
I see a shadow. A shadow in the dark. Vast.
I see raindrops, falling like little stars. I can feel them as they hit my face.

There's this emotion, It makes me smile but i know it is not happiness. It makes me sad but i know it is not sadness.