Ramble Into My Arms

Wow, it feels like I'm back in The Noughties! As usual, it's been a while and I'm sure you - my three faithful readers, have moved on to bigger and better things. But sometimes I guess it's good to backtrack and maybe even reassess.

Nearly three years have passed. I have become a bit older. My knees hurt from time to time. Looking at the date on that last post - August 18th, 2014, that was a week before I got booted from BigKite. You know how people say that there are significant moments in your life that define you as a person? I'm not sure if that was one of them, but a lot has happened since.

Anyway, I digress. There's this feeling... its like the swirling in your stomach that gets you so excited that you might vomit or pass out or both. Its unsettling, and is generally followed by some sort of sad realization that you are actually just helpless. Even worse... you are at the mercy of every single person around you. Until you are accepted into the tribe, you are an outsider. You are the threat. And even if your heart is exploding in hopes of reciprocated camaraderie, you cannot do a single thing about it.

And so you try.

It's hard to say why people do the things they do. Did you love that girl only in hopes of her loving you back? Did you try that extra bit harder at work because you care so damn much about the success of your fellow peers? Did you go to that party in the hopes of... what? what were you hoping for?

Or did you just do nothing. Sit on your balcony, watch the people go by and stare out into the sunset. Untouchable. I do that often. I think I like the possibility of maybe one day making friends with all those sidewalk people. I might tell them a story about my life that will impress them and maybe they will invite me to a party. But they keep walking before I can tell them my story... it's okay, didn't need them and their stupid party in my life anyway.

And do you actually think that you are the best version of yourself? I think you are. It's hard to be true to yourself these days, hoping that the people around you will accept the weird, unfiltered you. It's even harder when you actually do believe that this is who you are and then those people say "Nah, not for me...". It's heartbreak. And then that unsettling feeling crawls back into your stomach. That feeling that in reality, you will not be accepted into the tribe... not this time, not this tribe. Not for any fault of your own. You did what that TEDTalks guy said you should do. You did you. But maybe this time the message got lost somewhere along the way and some people got the wrong idea of who you were and now its all messed up.

I think I came back here for some reassurance. Some hope, pervious as it may be, that it's OK. Its okay for some people to just not get it, in the same way that you might just not understand the next person. That's what makes this whole mess bearable. Love, hate, indifference, irritation, disappointment, admiration... they will all happen. One is not more than the other. It's just people trying to be who they are.

So the next time you ask yourself "Why does that person not like me?", know that its okay. Aim to be a better person, a better version of you today and tomorrow and the next day. Maybe one day "that person" might just come around, and if they don't, you can always ramble into my arms...

Ordinary

Good morning to ya all. Sorry, it's been a while...

Something's been bothering me these past few days, and I thought I'd share it with you, my three readers. Often lately, I've been getting this recurring thought in my head. I go about my day to day stuff and I keep thinking to myself, Is what you're doing today just ordinary? Are you making any impact to the world at all? What have you learned about yourself and about the world today? And often it leads to the more heavy question, Is your life turning out to be just ordinary?

I think that this has become my greatest fear. Being just ordinary. And with each passing day, I think to myself, what epic thing can I bring to today, that will make my life extraordinary? I think its important to understand what that means, at least what it means to me. And maybe writing about it will help.

There are extraordinary people that we are exposed to through our everyday media that are doing awesome things in the world, inventing solutions to world problems, making art and music and introducing new thoughts, ideas and knowledge to millions of people. We see them on our facebooks and twitters, and they make an impact on our lives. Movie stars, billionaire entrepreneurs, sports icons... we are surrounded by the extraordinary... but our lives seem to reflect the contrary. We become the acknowledgers of extraordinary, not the architects.

And through this lens, we are given an impression of what it means to be acknowledged for your contributions, and we strive for that kind of achievement in our own lives as well. If tomorrow, this blog becomes the most read website in the world, I will become an achiever to you and to my friends and to people that I will never meet. I will become successful... or at least I will then be perceived as a successful person.

I guess that's pretty straight forward...

But what about the people whom we don't hear about. The people that live silent lives and still lead extraordinary existences. I can't even tell you about them because I haven't heard of them on my facebooks and tweeties, but I'm sure that they exist. That guy who writes songs with his guitar in his soundbound room, or that girl who paints the most insightful canvases and keeps them under her bed. Or what about that man who gives his time every night to help at the local homeless shelter. What about them?

I once read somewhere that the true test of one's character is what they do when nobody is watching. This is the kind of extraordinary I'd like to pursue. I want to be able to say that I lived my life for me first, and I did the things that I did for my own acknowledgement and recognition. I want to make an impact on people's lives and be okay if they don't even realize it. I want to see me shine. And then, maybe I will learn something about myself...

Figuring Shit Out....

May is here! And as ROTD coolly crosses the 10,000 hit mark, I thought I'd give you, my three devoted readers, a blog post!

2014 has been an interesting year for sure... lots of ups and lots of downs... mood swings aplenty... You know there's a feeling when your thoughts are so fucked up that you're thinking two hundred things at once and it's all jammed and you can't really think of anything at all and your head starts spinning and hurting and you just gotta sit down for a minute? Yea... that...

I've been contemplating this 'life plan' thing quite a lot, and been trying to decide what direction my life should take... what do I want to be doing... how do I want to be defined... all very difficult questions...

And then I realized that I was just being madly unhappy. Not because I was unhappy with my work or my money situation or my life in generally... Just because in my mind, everything was so effed...

Its a tough situation, to align reality and what goes on in your head. Maybe that's why so many extremely successful people are just so miserable... not to say that I'm successful... but I'm most definitely lucky to be where I am.

And then I reached a saturation point, where I was like wait a second.. I can deal with all this shit... I'm capable... All I gotta do is get going and just get this life shiz done... Que Sera Sera and all that shit you know?

So fuck it... It's May... fuck planning shit... let's rage...

To Fall In Love.. A Valentine's Weekend Hangover

What does it feel like to fall in love? To have tingly feelings about a person. To look forward to hearing their voice and seeing their face. To appreciate and respect them. To care about them more than you care about yourself. More than you care about anyone else. I wonder if it's the same for me as it is for you....

Honestly, I don't know. I don't know if love is just attraction, or respect, or just a simple recognition of another human being.

When we were young, we chased after our crushes through subtle notes and smiles from across the quadrangle. We asked friends of friends to drop the hint and gather recon from friends of other friends, and of course, there was MSN. And then when all the stars aligned, you got to spend an hour alone with them and all of these crazy emotions flew out of you. You held hands until your palms were sweaty and you shared naive kisses in the shadows. You kept all of it a secret except from your best friend, but sooner or later word got out, and you just loved to deny it over and over again.

That seems complicated. But man were those simpler times. There was no iffyness or flip-floppyness. Sex was not even in the thought process. You enjoyed those lame make out sessions, and you learned how it felt to fit into another person's arms. It was easy to know how you felt because you didn't even know how to over think things. Saying 'I love you' was just something you said to show how you felt at that moment. And if things got messy, you experienced the heartbreak, and moved on to the next crush.

I wish it had stayed like that. But sooner or later everyone grows up. Now there's sex, and commitment, and you feel the pressure to say the right things and do the right things. Make a move at the right time or else you lose out. Be extroverted or you won't get noticed. Approach strangers at the club. Use those weird online dating websites... It just seems like a real convoluted path leading to unhappiness.

I want to be a kid again. I don't want the pressures of giving a fuck about what people think. I want to experience those love tingles without having to analyze their greater meaning.

I want to unlearn how to fall in love so that I can feel it for the first time... again...

A little bit of truth...

This is a bit of a harsh post. And I'm not going to deny that there is much self loathing within it. But I'm going to write it anyway. Also, I'm writing this post in the first person. But try and imagine that you were this person. Read it as if you wrote it.

***

I used to love the first day of school in a new grade. Empty notebooks, fresh pages. To me it was like hitting a reset button on life. I get a chance to do over. But that's just some sort of illusion that I created and it worked because nobody really cares what a child does anyway. That's not how life works.

There comes a point in life where the things you do and say actually do matter. And there's never a reset button for a stupid decision. I'm saying this because I always imagined that I would make the right decisions. Everything would fall into place and I would have no regrets. That's really not how life works.

Life is messy. You make mistakes. Sometimes you learn from them, and sometimes you need to make that mistake again. It's messy though. Really messy. When you look back, it's just a shit show. You hurt people. People hurt you. And even though you know you're a better person than that, you can't help but have regrets. You would do over if you had a choice. You would do over because you are a better person than that. But that's not how life works.

And then I got to thinking. Why do I care so much about my perception both projected and reflective? Why do I dwell on these questions at all? And I keep coming back to this: What will they think?

I started this blog nearly seven years ago. I did it because it was hip at the time. But it excited me. It excited me that people would read and leave comments. I liked the attention. I took up music nearly ten years ago. It gave me a thrill to be on stage. To have people shout your name and cheer for you. I took up sports because subconsciously I knew that the sporty types were the cool cats. They were respected. They got the girls. Every time my name was called out at a school assembly, I loved it. I loved that feeling of being recognized. Put on display for everyone to see and talk about.

When I look back today, it seems that everything that I have done has been to get that little more affection. Doesn't matter if I create any real connections. I just need that feeling. I'm writing this post to get that feeling. I'll be coming back to it and checking the hit counter every hour. I'll read it to myself, and re-read it. It's shameless but it's true. And the truth is what it is... 

I like attention. I seek that attention. I like to know that people enjoy my company, and that people notice me. I like having loads of friends and knowing people. I like being relevant. Being that person that you can rely on.... and slowly I've become that person. I've become the person that would do or say anything to gain favour with you. I'll be your anything as long as you like me. 

And you will like me. I guarantee that. But you will never know who I really am.