Extreme Rant uncut... Sleepless part 3

I have three pillows on my bed. A little excessive I know, but I like pillows. What can I do. I'm lying in bed now. 4:54am in the morning. I have my eyes closed, and trying to find sleep. I can feel all three pillows under me. I am conscious of them being where they are. The thoughts of today are lingering in my head. I had a tennis match which I lost. First match I've played in over two years. Somehow I was fine and dandy with losing. Had a nice talk with dad later on about it. Watched another episode of House. Brilliant as always. Youtube is down today.. was gonna scout some more recipes to try out. The music on stereomood.com is playing. Still trying to find sleep. I can count my breath now. I've held my breath for about a minute. That pillow under my head is getting uncomfortable now. I take a deep breath and roll my eyes even though they are shut. I get dizzy when I do that, sort of a dazed moment to forget my thoughts and find sleep.

And then I'm thinking again. What is it to find sleep? That moment of utter unconsciousness. Totally mindless and bodiless. I'm lying in bed and thinking to myself, maybe if I lie here long enough with my eyes closed like this, I can fool myself that this is sleep and then open my eyes tomorrow morning wide awake.

But really, do you ever remember that transition between awake and asleep? It happens so suddenly even though it feels like a slow slide. All I can remember is letting the muscles of my eyelids go limp, and the creases on my forehead relax. Something in my mind goes, 'Alright boys, time for lights out'. And in the next moment, I'm in my dreamy world of memories and fantasies of lives I wish I had lived or may some day live.

I can never find it though. Not when I'm looking for it. It always finds me first. I'm ready when it comes. Tight and snug in between my three pillows and cozy blanket. There might just be a sandman, lingering around here in my room, waiting at 5:08am for the perfect moment to take me away for the night.

I guess sometimes that is just how it is... you spend your life trying to find answers and people and objects and pieces to the puzzle and yourself, and suddenly you forget where you put your sleep. Now you are trying to find your sleep and you need to take two steps backward. But what you have really forgotten is not where you put your sleep, but how you found it in the first place.

So now I lie in bed at 5:16am, writing this, thinking about today, listening to music, and trying my hardest not to find sleep. Nighty night.

Morning Cup o' Starbucks

Sitting in the capitalist state, sipping cups after cups of coffee. I was wearing smart clothes, polished shoes, sharp haircut. On display in this capitalist state. Maybe even for sale. Listening to the background new age sounds. Profound music, reminding you and me that we are much more than skin deep. Paintings on the wall in this capitalist state. Maybe these pictures can become conversation when my ideas fail. Maybe another coffee might distract them until I can think of something. I am fed up now, screaming profundities and profanities. LOOK AT ME.

Unstrung Thoughts

Ok.. so maybe not everyday... eyaah....

I want to talk about things that you think about. I want to talk about things that go through my head, sometimes coffee-triggered, or otherwise silent moments. Writing here is like talking about things. Having conversations with my computer screen when nobody interesting is around. Sometimes updating is hard to do because I'm so distracted. In general I have become kind of distracted. Kind of fedup with making decisions so I just let things be and go with the flow.

What has been on my mind today in particular, is the thought of becoming the best at something. What does it take to become a Ronaldo, or a LeBron, or a Federer. What does it take to become a Steve Vai... Thinking about that journey is quite perplexing. It takes hundreds of thousands of people to try before a Federer is made. Hundreds of thousands of people whose stories go unheard and unnoticed. Each believing that they have a chance to be the best. Three percent of high school students in America get to play college basketball. Out of those three percent, less than one percent go on to become successful professional athletes. If ever there was a tough sell, that would be one.

I guess it's numbers like those that scare us from making bold choices. So many times we joke about doing outlandish things like building a chocolate factory or living on a vineyard, and then we return to this "inlandish" living.

This post is taking me time. Watched an episode of House in between. It was about relationships. I think I liked it a lot. I might take some time to think about it for a while. So for now this post ends here. Unstrung thoughts in a couple of paragraphs. Like it for what it is.

Perspective

The tennis is getting better. Slowly.

Sometimes I wonder whether I'm living in a fairytale world. A prolonged happy drunken state in warm cozy little boxes, forever untroubled and content.

Even though we (Charan and I) found our current pad for dirt cheap, it happens to be smack in the middle of quite a posh area. Lots of really old people and really young people. It's the kind of area that you would like to settle down in one day once you've secured Tenure at that University, or gotten that Chief of Medicine job.

And then I thought of all the TED talks that I've been watching off late. People talking about a world that is totally different from this one. A black and white contrast. I wonder if any of the kids growing up in this neighbourhood will ever even get a glimpse of that world. I wonder if I will.

I guess sometimes you need to be radical in your living, and sometimes you just need to chill out. Even if living is just a frame of mind right now. But does that mean that you switch off from all of your thoughts to pretend that the one you are at right now is where you should be? Maybe when you have a minute, you could think about your life in perspective with the rest of the world. With all of it. The richer and the poorer. The malnutrition-ed and the obese. And you don't necessarily need to stop there. Think of those who are losing their lives today. Imagine the possibilities of what happens next, and then put your life into perspective.

Most people will go through life, surrounded by a phantasmagorical living. A glass box of cloudy realities that they will create themselves to find solace. But if we are really one human race, don't you think we ought to at least spare a thought, if not an action, for something, or someone outside of this body?

By all means, live in your illusion, but beware of the reality that exists.


footnote: I know the post is a bit edgy... maybe today edgy is good...

Chapter 101

As always, I have been procrastinating. Since nobody really bothered to comment on the last post, I have decided to post everyday. Everyday until I am satisfied.

I'm not always going to talk about my day to day stuff... but I will today. Today was the single most petrifying day of my entire existence. I gave my first tennis lesson today. Nine balls (those funny orange and yellow ones), Reese, Bobby and Teddy. Everything I ever knew about tennis went flying out of my head and vanished into the court that had seemed to transform itself into a massive black hole. Petrifying.

I thought about calling up Zeeshan today, but I didn't really know what to say to him or ask him. Zeeshan if by any chance you are reading this, today I realized what it takes to be a tennis coach. I remember the very first time I met you. You had called me in for a brief hit around to see how my game was. It was at the Al Wasl courts when you still coached there. I could go on and on about the things I cherished about those lessons. Our conversations while hitting from the service line, while practicing serve, in between drills. The millions of drops of sweat that you squeezed out of me. It all came back to me in a rush of blood to the head today. Petrifying.

And as bobby strolled around the court today, in the middle of a drill, he popped out his mobile phone from his pocket, probably to update his Facebook status. Disgusting. Even more foul was that I had no idea what to do. None. This is my life right here. This is what I live for. And I had no words left. Just stunned.

Tonight, my sleeplessness will lead to some more Vector, some more thinking, and when the gym is open, I will begin my training. I will begin my concentration. My discipline.

And maybe in a while, it might get a little less petrifying.