Extreme Rant uncut... Sleepless part 3

I have three pillows on my bed. A little excessive I know, but I like pillows. What can I do. I'm lying in bed now. 4:54am in the morning. I have my eyes closed, and trying to find sleep. I can feel all three pillows under me. I am conscious of them being where they are. The thoughts of today are lingering in my head. I had a tennis match which I lost. First match I've played in over two years. Somehow I was fine and dandy with losing. Had a nice talk with dad later on about it. Watched another episode of House. Brilliant as always. Youtube is down today.. was gonna scout some more recipes to try out. The music on stereomood.com is playing. Still trying to find sleep. I can count my breath now. I've held my breath for about a minute. That pillow under my head is getting uncomfortable now. I take a deep breath and roll my eyes even though they are shut. I get dizzy when I do that, sort of a dazed moment to forget my thoughts and find sleep.

And then I'm thinking again. What is it to find sleep? That moment of utter unconsciousness. Totally mindless and bodiless. I'm lying in bed and thinking to myself, maybe if I lie here long enough with my eyes closed like this, I can fool myself that this is sleep and then open my eyes tomorrow morning wide awake.

But really, do you ever remember that transition between awake and asleep? It happens so suddenly even though it feels like a slow slide. All I can remember is letting the muscles of my eyelids go limp, and the creases on my forehead relax. Something in my mind goes, 'Alright boys, time for lights out'. And in the next moment, I'm in my dreamy world of memories and fantasies of lives I wish I had lived or may some day live.

I can never find it though. Not when I'm looking for it. It always finds me first. I'm ready when it comes. Tight and snug in between my three pillows and cozy blanket. There might just be a sandman, lingering around here in my room, waiting at 5:08am for the perfect moment to take me away for the night.

I guess sometimes that is just how it is... you spend your life trying to find answers and people and objects and pieces to the puzzle and yourself, and suddenly you forget where you put your sleep. Now you are trying to find your sleep and you need to take two steps backward. But what you have really forgotten is not where you put your sleep, but how you found it in the first place.

So now I lie in bed at 5:16am, writing this, thinking about today, listening to music, and trying my hardest not to find sleep. Nighty night.