Monday, August 18, 2014

Ordinary

Good morning to ya all. Sorry, it's been a while...

Something's been bothering me these past few days, and I thought I'd share it with you, my three readers. Often lately, I've been getting this recurring thought in my head. I go about my day to day stuff and I keep thinking to myself, Is what you're doing today just ordinary? Are you making any impact to the world at all? What have you learned about yourself and about the world today? And often it leads to the more heavy question, Is your life turning out to be just ordinary?

I think that this has become my greatest fear. Being just ordinary. And with each passing day, I think to myself, what epic thing can I bring to today, that will make my life extraordinary? I think its important to understand what that means, at least what it means to me. And maybe writing about it will help.

There are extraordinary people that we are exposed to through our everyday media that are doing awesome things in the world, inventing solutions to world problems, making art and music and introducing new thoughts, ideas and knowledge to millions of people. We see them on our facebooks and twitters, and they make an impact on our lives. Movie stars, billionaire entrepreneurs, sports icons... we are surrounded by the extraordinary... but our lives seem to reflect the contrary. We become the acknowledgers of extraordinary, not the architects.

And through this lens, we are given an impression of what it means to be acknowledged for your contributions, and we strive for that kind of achievement in our own lives as well. If tomorrow, this blog becomes the most read website in the world, I will become an achiever to you and to my friends and to people that I will never meet. I will become successful... or at least I will then be perceived as a successful person.

I guess that's pretty straight forward...

But what about the people whom we don't hear about. The people that live silent lives and still lead extraordinary existences. I can't even tell you about them because I haven't heard of them on my facebooks and tweeties, but I'm sure that they exist. That guy who writes songs with his guitar in his soundbound room, or that girl who paints the most insightful canvases and keeps them under her bed. Or what about that man who gives his time every night to help at the local homeless shelter. What about them?

I once read somewhere that the true test of one's character is what they do when nobody is watching. This is the kind of extraordinary I'd like to pursue. I want to be able to say that I lived my life for me first, and I did the things that I did for my own acknowledgement and recognition. I want to make an impact on people's lives and be okay if they don't even realize it. I want to see me shine. And then, maybe I will learn something about myself...

Friday, May 2, 2014

Figuring Shit Out....

May is here! And as ROTD coolly crosses the 10,000 hit mark, I thought I'd give you, my three devoted readers, a blog post!

2014 has been an interesting year for sure... lots of ups and lots of downs... mood swings aplenty... You know there's a feeling when your thoughts are so fucked up that you're thinking two hundred things at once and it's all jammed and you can't really think of anything at all and your head starts spinning and hurting and you just gotta sit down for a minute? Yea... that...

I've been contemplating this 'life plan' thing quite a lot, and been trying to decide what direction my life should take... what do I want to be doing... how do I want to be defined... all very difficult questions...

And then I realized that I was just being madly unhappy. Not because I was unhappy with my work or my money situation or my life in generally... Just because in my mind, everything was so effed...

Its a tough situation, to align reality and what goes on in your head. Maybe that's why so many extremely successful people are just so miserable... not to say that I'm successful... but I'm most definitely lucky to be where I am.

And then I reached a saturation point, where I was like wait a second.. I can deal with all this shit... I'm capable... All I gotta do is get going and just get this life shiz done... Que Sera Sera and all that shit you know?

So fuck it... It's May... fuck planning shit... let's rage...



Sunday, February 23, 2014

To Fall In Love.. A Valentine's Weekend Hangover

What does it feel like to fall in love? To have tingly feelings about a person. To look forward to hearing their voice and seeing their face. To appreciate and respect them. To care about them more than you care about yourself. More than you care about anyone else. I wonder if it's the same for me as it is for you....

Honestly, I don't know. I don't know if love is just attraction, or respect, or just a simple recognition of another human being.

When we were young, we chased after our crushes through subtle notes and smiles from across the quadrangle. We asked friends of friends to drop the hint and gather recon from friends of other friends, and of course, there was MSN. And then when all the stars aligned, you got to spend an hour alone with them and all of these crazy emotions flew out of you. You held hands until your palms were sweaty and you shared naive kisses in the shadows. You kept all of it a secret except from your best friend, but sooner or later word got out, and you just loved to deny it over and over again.

That seems complicated. But man were those simpler times. There was no iffyness or flip-floppyness. Sex was not even in the thought process. You enjoyed those lame make out sessions, and you learned how it felt to fit into another person's arms. It was easy to know how you felt because you didn't even know how to over think things. Saying 'I love you' was just something you said to show how you felt at that moment. And if things got messy, you experienced the heartbreak, and moved on to the next crush.

I wish it had stayed like that. But sooner or later everyone grows up. Now there's sex, and commitment, and you feel the pressure to say the right things and do the right things. Make a move at the right time or else you lose out. Be extroverted or you won't get noticed. Approach strangers at the club. Use those weird online dating websites... It just seems like a real convoluted path leading to unhappiness.

I want to be a kid again. I don't want the pressures of giving a fuck about what people think. I want to experience those love tingles without having to analyze their greater meaning.

I want to unlearn how to fall in love so that I can feel it for the first time... again...

Monday, December 30, 2013

A little bit of truth...

This is a bit of a harsh post. And I'm not going to deny that there is much self loathing within it. But I'm going to write it anyway. Also, I'm writing this post in the first person. But try and imagine that you were this person. Read it as if you wrote it.
***

I used to love the first day of school in a new grade. Empty notebooks, fresh pages. To me it was like hitting a reset button on life. I get a chance to do over. But that's just some sort of illusion that I created and it worked because nobody really cares what a child does anyway. That's not how life works.

There comes a point in life where the things you do and say actually do matter. And there's never a reset button for a stupid decision. I'm saying this because I always imagined that I would make the right decisions. Everything would fall into place and I would have no regrets. That's really not how life works.

Life is messy. You make mistakes. Sometimes you learn from them, and sometimes you need to make that mistake again. It's messy though. Really messy. When you look back, it's just a shit show. You hurt people. People hurt you. And even though you know you're a better person than that, you can't help but have regrets. You would do over if you had a choice. You would do over because you are a better person than that. But that's not how life works.

And then I got to thinking. Why do I care so much about my perception both projected and reflective? Why do I dwell on these questions at all? And I keep coming back to this: What will they think?

I started this blog nearly seven years ago. I did it because it was hip at the time. But it excited me. It excited me that people would read and leave comments. I liked the attention. I took up music nearly ten years ago. It gave me a thrill to be on stage. To have people shout your name and cheer for you. I took up sports because subconsciously I knew that the sporty types were the cool cats. They were respected. They got the girls. Every time my name was called out at a school assembly, I loved it. I loved that feeling of being recognized. Put on display for everyone to see and talk about.

When I look back today, it seems that everything that I have done has been to get that little more affection. Doesn't matter if I create any real connections. I just need that feeling. I'm writing this post to get that feeling. I'll be coming back to it and checking the hit counter every hour. I'll read it to myself, and re-read it. It's shameless but it's true. And the truth is what it is... 

I like attention. I seek that attention. I like to know that people enjoy my company, and that people notice me. I like having loads of friends and knowing people. I like being relevant. Being that person that you can rely on.... and slowly I've become that person. I've become the person that would do or say anything to gain favour with you. I'll be your anything as long as you like me. 

And you will like me. I guarantee that. But you will never know who I really am.

Thursday, November 21, 2013

Purpose

Have you ever reached a point in your life where you just run out of things? Run out of things to do, to say, to make, to be.. just run out? It's a strange feeling. Just blankness, both physically and mentally. Really strange....

I'm sitting at my desk at work, waiting on a meeting to start. I've done most of my to-do items for the morning, and now I find myself just sitting. I open up a web browser, and since I've been on a brief hiatus from the vortex that is FaceBook, I stare at Google, wondering what to do next. So I open up CraigsList and check out the Guitars and other instruments that people are selling. I fantasize a bit about moving out of my apartment and check out the Housing page for a bit. I'm already bored and it's occurring to me how useless I'm being. 

I attempt to think of creating a new project, or a list of things that I have to do. I come up with a few. Laundry, finish that painting... can't even remember the rest of the list.. that's how dreary it seems. The point I'm trying to get to here is this... I know that I haven't run out of things to do. I have shit tonnes of things to do. Some of them even fun things. But I still feel this looming sort of 'meh fuck it' feeling. 

It's a tough question to ask oneself... What is my purpose? What should I be doing with my life. What do I want to be doing with my life. What will make me happy right now? 

It's times like these that I turn to the wisdom of Denny Crane:


Denny Crane: Edwin Poole's problem is he doesn't like being Edwin Poole. From time to time he'd look in the mirror and ask, "What's the point?" I never do that. Questions like that'll kill you.


Alan Shore: Questions like, "What's the point?"


Denny Crane: Look--take you for example. Tomorrow, you're gonna go into court and argue that some little fat black kid should be able to play a little skinny white one. What's the point? You don't ask-that's the point.




I don't have any answers here... only this feeling... I feel that a change in some way is needed... lets try that first :).