A little bit of truth...

This is a bit of a harsh post. And I'm not going to deny that there is much self loathing within it. But I'm going to write it anyway. Also, I'm writing this post in the first person. But try and imagine that you were this person. Read it as if you wrote it.

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I used to love the first day of school in a new grade. Empty notebooks, fresh pages. To me it was like hitting a reset button on life. I get a chance to do over. But that's just some sort of illusion that I created and it worked because nobody really cares what a child does anyway. That's not how life works.

There comes a point in life where the things you do and say actually do matter. And there's never a reset button for a stupid decision. I'm saying this because I always imagined that I would make the right decisions. Everything would fall into place and I would have no regrets. That's really not how life works.

Life is messy. You make mistakes. Sometimes you learn from them, and sometimes you need to make that mistake again. It's messy though. Really messy. When you look back, it's just a shit show. You hurt people. People hurt you. And even though you know you're a better person than that, you can't help but have regrets. You would do over if you had a choice. You would do over because you are a better person than that. But that's not how life works.

And then I got to thinking. Why do I care so much about my perception both projected and reflective? Why do I dwell on these questions at all? And I keep coming back to this: What will they think?

I started this blog nearly seven years ago. I did it because it was hip at the time. But it excited me. It excited me that people would read and leave comments. I liked the attention. I took up music nearly ten years ago. It gave me a thrill to be on stage. To have people shout your name and cheer for you. I took up sports because subconsciously I knew that the sporty types were the cool cats. They were respected. They got the girls. Every time my name was called out at a school assembly, I loved it. I loved that feeling of being recognized. Put on display for everyone to see and talk about.

When I look back today, it seems that everything that I have done has been to get that little more affection. Doesn't matter if I create any real connections. I just need that feeling. I'm writing this post to get that feeling. I'll be coming back to it and checking the hit counter every hour. I'll read it to myself, and re-read it. It's shameless but it's true. And the truth is what it is... 

I like attention. I seek that attention. I like to know that people enjoy my company, and that people notice me. I like having loads of friends and knowing people. I like being relevant. Being that person that you can rely on.... and slowly I've become that person. I've become the person that would do or say anything to gain favour with you. I'll be your anything as long as you like me. 

And you will like me. I guarantee that. But you will never know who I really am.