Sunday, July 16, 2017

Ramble Into My Arms

Wow, it feels like I'm back in The Noughties! As usual, it's been a while and I'm sure you - my three faithful readers, have moved on to bigger and better things. But sometimes I guess it's good to backtrack and maybe even reassess.

Nearly three years have passed. I have become a bit older. My knees hurt from time to time. Looking at the date on that last post - August 18th, 2014, that was a week before I got booted from BigKite. You know how people say that there are significant moments in your life that define you as a person? I'm not sure if that was one of them, but a lot has happened since.

Anyway, I digress. There's this feeling... its like the swirling in your stomach that gets you so excited that you might vomit or pass out or both. Its unsettling, and is generally followed by some sort of sad realization that you are actually just helpless. Even worse... you are at the mercy of every single person around you. Until you are accepted into the tribe, you are an outsider. You are the threat. And even if your heart is exploding in hopes of reciprocated camaraderie, you cannot do a single thing about it.

And so you try.

It's hard to say why people do the things they do. Did you love that girl only in hopes of her loving you back? Did you try that extra bit harder at work because you care so damn much about the success of your fellow peers? Did you go to that party in the hopes of... what? what were you hoping for?

Or did you just do nothing. Sit on your balcony, watch the people go by and stare out into the sunset. Untouchable. I do that often. I think I like the possibility of maybe one day making friends with all those sidewalk people. I might tell them a story about my life that will impress them and maybe they will invite me to a party. But they keep walking before I can tell them my story... it's okay, didn't need them and their stupid party in my life anyway.

And do you actually think that you are the best version of yourself? I think you are. It's hard to be true to yourself these days, hoping that the people around you will accept the weird, unfiltered you. It's even harder when you actually do believe that this is who you are and then those people say "Nah, not for me...". It's heartbreak. And then that unsettling feeling crawls back into your stomach. That feeling that in reality, you will not be accepted into the tribe... not this time, not this tribe. Not for any fault of your own. You did what that TEDTalks guy said you should do. You did you. But maybe this time the message got lost somewhere along the way and some people got the wrong idea of who you were and now its all messed up.

I think I came back here for some reassurance. Some hope, pervious as it may be, that it's OK. Its okay for some people to just not get it, in the same way that you might just not understand the next person. That's what makes this whole mess bearable. Love, hate, indifference, irritation, disappointment, admiration... they will all happen. One is not more than the other. It's just people trying to be who they are.

So the next time you ask yourself "Why does that person not like me?", know that its okay. Aim to be a better person, a better version of you today and tomorrow and the next day. Maybe one day "that person" might just come around, and if they don't, you can always ramble into my arms...

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