Painting Red

I want to paint but I only have red, and I don't really have anything to paint on.. so I guess I'll just blog instead :)

Another year, and another empty room with clear white walls. Another struggle to carry boxes of nothingness to the next empty room. And another reason to reflect on moments gone by. It's difficult not to refract back to my thoughts so I guess I should just give in once again...

It's funny how one's ideals are formed. Are you left or are you right. Is left right or is right wrong? What would be the most pleasing thing to say and how could I say the right thing so that I get to be a part of the gang. It's difficult when you speak another language and people look to your words to look at you and in the process you are lost to everyone but yourself.

But I guess one must put on a show for the time being... until the dialogue is unnecessary it seems. One must paint the walls to make this empty room feel like home, or make this home feel lived in or make this life feel full... so I put up pieces of paper that are pieces of people that are a part of my life. A stranger's glove from a familiar place and a random painting from a flee market, or a whimsical sketch from a schoolchild naivety of days gone by. But I know that a year from now, when I'm taking down those pieces once again, and I have white walls stare at me late in the night, I will feel this feeling again.

That bareness, it's so confusing. On one hand, I feel naked and alone, but on the other hand, I feel more conscious of my own self, and not the white noise of those hundreds of conversations and stories that build the characters covering the walls of my room. I enjoy the clarity for a while. Reminds me of Ikea brochures and empty canvases... so white, and square and straight. Clear, but not colorful.

So today I wonder on who I was, who I am and who I want to be. Do I want to be a wall filled with bumps and raises and splashes of blue red green yellow, or do I want to be an empty white walled room, no distractions, no confusion, just myself.

Revival Rant 2011

Off late I have contemplated giving up ROTD. I have come to the realization that diplomacy rules all, where a secret ritual becomes meaningless if it is shared, or a heavily opinionated judgment could genuinely hurt someone. The blog posts I used to write were full of those scandalous thoughts and I didn't really care to think about who I was writing about or even who I was writing for.

Aah, but we all must grow up and I think it's happening to me too. Not so much so that I am maturing, but rather that I am understanding that people take you seriously because they think that you should know better now. I can't not be serious now because it is simply not allowed. I would be thought of as irritating and childish.

So I continue to do grown up things but now I can't blog. My vocabulary has shrunk down to the dictionary of diplomacy and self-censorship, and living becomes a day to day chore of making sure that I am in good standing with my community. It is frankly, the most boring and dull thing that I have ever been through.

A few years ago, I used to contemplate happiness quite seriously. I remember I came upon the conclusion that one can become happy instantly just by deciding to be happy in that moment. It is truly and simply a consciousness of your radiating vibes, and you do decide whether they are happy or sad. At that time, I thought that I was the ultimate guru of enlightened happiness, and in my own way I was. But it seems that I have forgotten a lot about who I was and the ideals that I had set out for myself.

I spent the last few days reading through ROTD, backwards. It's amazing how you can see transformation in thought patterns through the time. And I did notice that I had begun to become very serious in my writing and in my thoughts as well. That last post gives me a headache if I try reading it now.

So anyway, here is to returning back to the old, happy, donut loving, jumping, frolicking and funning blog that I had started out with. And if anyone is ever offended by my lack of diplomacy, I would suggest they do some growing up themselves :)