The Day After Today

My exams are over. Comp was ok, chem was aight, evs was evs. They were exams. They don’t deserve their own posts. Stupid exams.

I've had a lot of time on my hands to think and reflect on a lot of things that I generally don’t notice or rather bother to think and reflect about normally. Most of these thoughts are temporary whims that I can't remember even 10 minutes after I have thought them, although I do believe them to be worthwhile solely for the fact that I am thinking them in the first place and the hesitations that is outwardly shown does not exist inwardly. *I’m sorry people but this is a rant... if you are beginning to get a headache now, either stop, or take an aspirin and continue*

When I try to write down what I think, it's never perfect because I know that even though I know that the words that I need to say what I want exist, they fleet me in a horrendous traitorous manner and leave me dry with what I have in hand. Then, I shall try to do with what I have for there is no choice left at this point in time and space.

The questions that entice my thoughts are generally unfathomable to begin with, but they do provoke me to think about other things. This time in my life is supposed to be enriched with intense emotions from deep memories and the conclusion of what is supposed to be a chapter in the book that is my life. Why do I feel no different? Yesterday I was trying to put together this crazy puzzle that is my life, and today I am doing it all over again, and I know that I’ll be doing it again tomorrow. I don’t feel at all for my school life, and for the first 17 years and 9 months of my life. The past has become near meaningless and suddenly I am falling into this pit of routine. The things that I do may be different. The people might be new and the mannerism of living might change, but I feel the same.

Don't get me wrong.... I hardly feel suicidal. I enjoy living my life and being happy (most of the time). In fact I sometimes enjoy sadness and loneliness as well. But I sometimes question whether my life would be anything more than just that. I feel like a video game that has been played ruthlessly enough to become predictable, a TV show that carves out definite characters who are forced to take a stand and have an opinion on everything. There IS a flame that burns inside of me, longing for something more than this excuse for a meaningful life. I could accomplish and conquer anything that I want and I know it, but where will I ever find my own true pricelessness.

I'm through pretending that I’m satisfied with this life. I want more and I’m not afraid to ask for it. I want to be optimistic so I will be and damn you all who think this cry is a false lullaby to calm my own senses. Today I issue a warning to the world. Be prepared, because when I come at you, you will be shocked. You will be terrified and you will be awed.

If there is truth in the saying that the brightest flame burns the quickest, then I shall take my stand now. But I ask only one thing from you. Let me burn the brightest that I can. LET me shine.