Write write write!!!!!

The summer is over alas and we must all return to the fairytale time that is fall. Too presumptuous to call this cold weather winter, we brave on with our hearts shivering into the day, listening to moody songs and thinking about better days.

Yesterday was a significant deja-vu scene for me, sitting at the end of the bench at one of my intramural basketball games. I've been here before, at the end of this same bench, watching this same team, trying to find it in my heart to support them. I'm not used to being at the end of the bench. I was always the one to be picked first. I always thought of it as a given. I was the leader, the captain, the one that people wanted to watch play.

Now there's someone else. There has always been someone else for the last 2 years. Someone else that was picked over me. Someone else to take my place. There's this emotion. One of the most complex emotions I have ever had. It starts with the sharp ping of depression, knowing that you are dispensable. Knowing that if you were gone tomorrow, this scene would be the same. Knowing that you didn't matter. And then it's followed by the even sharper jab of jealousy. Anger, rage at that new kid in town. I hate the way he plays. The way he takes that unnecessary extra step. The way he makes that loose pass, it makes me furious. The way that in spite of his flaws, people still prefer him.

I've never said the right things. Never done things the right way. And I know that working the system has always been my greatest shortcoming. I could never please people like this new kid can. But it's moments like these that begs me to question, what is it that I'm trying to achieve? Why is it that every choice that I make sends me into a spiral of disgust. Why is it that the things that I say, never reflect the person that I am. Why is it so hard for people to see the real me through this wall of reality. And then I return, in reflection, to that same question that rings again and again at ROTD. When did all of this become about me?

There are many ways to get to your goals. Most of the time it is through the strong support of the people around you, and through the high of recognition and acknowledgment. Being in the limelight and proving everyday that you belong there. Seems to make sense....

The toughest path, however, is when you can achieve a height of satisfaction through the accomplishments of others. Even though they might not even know that you are there, standing right behind them, pushing them to be better, stronger, faster. Even if it isn't you that's out there dropping 20 points a night, that new kid is dropping 25 because you whispered to him to not make that loose pass, or to take that extra step. Knowing that you don't need appreciation from anyone if you know that you've done your job. Knowing that you don't need to be dispensable if you decide to make yourself useful. It's a rocky path that requires you to step out of yourself, and to open your eyes to the depth of your world.

In the years and years that I've played team sports, the latter has never occurred to me. And as I think about it, I can slowly feel the jealousy drain from me. Instead, I now see opportunity.

That's a good thing.

p.s. Sorry, its been a while.