Extreme Rant ... Free Falling

I remember it like it was yesterday. How twenty-seven years can just blow by, I know not. All I know is that I remember it like it was yesterday.

It was night, a Wednesday. I felt a gentle breeze, unknown to those three hundred feet below me. Sometimes when I sit in this rotting wooden chair and reflect, I can still feel the tenderness of that breeze. My feet were dangling from the edge, so free that they swayed in unison with the birds that flew overhead. I closed my eyes and looked up to the stars. My eyes were closed but I could see each star, bright as ever. They shone so bright that I could feel my shadow behind me, dancing in delight. He wasn't around much at night.

I wanted to go there, where the stars were. I always knew I didn't belong here. This feeling....it confused me, muddled my thoughts. I tried hard to think, to reason, but I couldn't concentrate. I was distracted by the sound of the incessant thumping of my heart. I wished that the sounds of the cars on the road below were louder so as to drown out the shrieking protests of my heart. I took solace in knowing that there would be silence soon.

And then I was flying. I felt gravity leave my body. I felt no weight. I flew to the past. I saw myself as a child, doing what children do. I saw myself as a wanting man, doing what men do. I saw myself as I am now, full of imperfection, but seeking fulfillment in the night's sky.

And then I was falling. Faster and faster and faster towards that hard, bitter ground. I could feel my skin begin to burn with the heat. And in a moment I was there. The dirt on the ground vaulted into the air to welcome me.

The dirt was eager, but i was not. I felt a gentle breeze, unknown to those among the stars. The breeze held me suspended, a foot from the ground. She cradled me as a mother would her child. In a moment I felt heavy again, but she took the weight.

I opened my eyes, and I was here again, my feet dangling from the edge. The tenderness of the breeze against my skin.

I remember it like it was yesterday.

EPIPHANY - Staind

Your words they make just a whisper
Your face is so unclear
I try to pay attention
And the words just disappear

'Cause it's always raining in my head
Forget all the things i should have said

So i speak to you in riddles
'Cause my words get in my way
I smoke the whole thing to my head
And feel it wash away
'Cause i can't take anymore of this
I wanna come apart
Or dig myself a little hole
Inside your precious heart

'Cause it's always raining in my head
Forget all the things i should have said

I am nothing more than
A little boy inside
That cries out for attention
Yet i always try to hide
'Cause i talk to you like children
Though i don't know how i feel
But i know i'll do the right thing
If the right thing isn't fear

'Cause its always raining in my head
Forget all the things i should have said

Extreme Rant... I am what you make of me....

I really like to write about myself, but i just realized that I am what i am because of you... so this one's for you

You cared about me the most even though u didn't need to. You trusted me because you understood who i was, and when i let you down, you forgave me in an instant. You always spoke your mind and you were never afraid of what people thought. You taught me that friends always come first. What you didn't realize is that when you needed me, I needed you more, and when you thought that i was there for you, it was actually you who was there for me.
***

If i have achieved anything the past few years, it's because of you. You showed me so much about myself because you were able to see me in a way that no one ever could. You stood by me when i needed someone, even though i never asked. You knew my imperfections, but instead of ignoring them, you embraced them as a part of me. Together, we discovered music, and it has changed both our lives forever. We spoke about everything, and yet, we never ran out of things to talk about. People could spend a lifetime looking for a friend like you, but more than my friend, you were my brother.
***

You were my big bundle of joy, spectacular in your very special way. You valued the small things in our friendship, and we shared something very unique in this simplicity. You appreciated me when nobody else did, and I know that you meant every word you said. We might not have much in common, but you shared and understood my feelings in such a profound manner and you made it easy to be your friend. You were always humble, even when you never got the credit that you deserve. There are very few people who are as awesome as you are, and even fewer as lucky as I am, to have you as my friend.
***

1, 2, 3, OLA!

i have neglected this place for quite some time, and i dont like that i have.


what is nirvana? can you close your eyes right now, take a deep breath and experience that overwhelming feeling of absolute connection with the air that cushions your body? can you feel that electrifying static of energy that is ready to bound from your skin at any given chance? do you feel alive in this moment?

i admit that i am impatient. when it comes to feeling good, i want to feel good now! but sometimes things take time. people take time and emotions take time to develop and it pisses the hell out of me, but thats just the way it is right? but i also like to think i have a choice. i have a choice to feel good whenever i want and my reason for doing so is the simple fact that having the choice of feeling good at any given time kinda makes me feel good.. :P

so i am going to jump, and i am going to sing, and i am going to dance and i am going to shout at the top of my lungs so that everyone around me knows that i feel good and that they have a choice to do the same. i am not going to spend my words on searching for my happiness, for the simple fact is that my silence will let me hear it coming towards me, and when i close my eyes i will see it surround me, and when i take a deep breath, i will smell it and feel it enter me.

and then i will be happy.

extreme rant...so true

Do you ever feel like there are some days that you just don't feel like yourself... its one of those feelings that you cant really describe, but ill try anyway....

i feel like there's this huge rock sitting on my chest, and it keeps getting heavier and heavier. I feel like its impossible to carry my own weight anymore... i don't control the words i say, the things i do...

I miss you, who ever you are, wherever you are... i need you right now