Brief Extreme Rant... The House Always Wins

I play his game. I roll his dice. I succumb to the insanity of him. I make the mistakes.

I make the mistakes knowing full well that the only thing that matters in this place is The House. Nothing else matters. Not even me.

But I still play.

Question and Answer session with myself.... part 1

Sometimes it's hard to know who you are from being you... sometimes you need to step out of your own skin and see yourself as you would see any other person... So here goes nothing...

Why do you regret?

Regret is toxic. To reflect on something I should have done... to think about how different my life would be if i had done things right... To never feel that completeness... I long to be complete... the opportunities that came my way, and the way i let them go by... I could have been better... I could have been stronger, smarter, faster...
I regret because i long to feel complete.

But i know that feeling... I've felt it so many times... I've felt it, but I was always feeling it in my own silence... I never got to share those complete moments with the world... I still have something to prove, and until then, i will regret.

What do you want?

This one's tricky! Well its like this... You know how you are never really satisfied with what you have, and you always want what you don't have? That's kind of what I want... everything that i don't have, even thought that might mean me wanting to not having anything because i have everything that i want....

Wow that's a bit confusing...elaborate?

Let's start from scratch... What i want is to be alive... that's a start...
umm... I want to be awesome(Yea! i like that one)...
I want to be smart... I want to be athletic... I want to be respected
I want to be wanted... I want to be in tune with you... I want to help you find your way when you are lost...
I want to find my way...
but that means i want be something that would help myself get something that i want...

this doesn't get any less confusing apparently....

I want to be vulnerable and i want to be confident... I want to have a story that leads somewhere... i want to mean something to me... I want to understand you and i want to understand me... I want to be stubborn and i want to be flexible...

I guess i want to be a paradox....


p.s... i dunno if I've ever followed up a blog that ive posted in parts, but i like to leave the possibility of a part 2 always :D

p.p.s...if you are feeling in one of those self-contemplation moods... pick up a pen and write down the questions that trouble you... see what happens...

The boy who lived part 1

This is the story of a young boy named Timothy Swanson. Timmy, as his friends liked to call him, was nothing much to look at. Blond, curly hair, sky blue eyes and a figure that hinted at malnutrition. Timmy was only eleven years old, and he went to the University of Toronto. He started school in early September, way back in the year 2008.

Now as you can already tell, Timmy was no ordinary boy. He was special in a lot of ways. But the past is boring, so let us not dwell on it too much(to save the light of human interest) and let's fast-forward to the interesting bits....

The month of September went by in a flash, and with each day that passed, Timmy learned something new about himself. Imagine the wisdom he gained to this day! October 9th, 5am in the morning.... that's a lot of self realization....

But anyway, the past is boring(deja vu?). And with that awesome segway, i bring you into the present life of Timothy Swanson.
***

Today was a strange day. It started out like any other day, and soon turned into a sleepy day... let me elaborate to the best i can......

i slept... a lot.......

there was no motive behind my sleep... i hadn't been up late the night before. I wasn't tired, but I slept. And oh how sweet today's slumber was.

My sleepiness began in the afternoon at the computer labs, where i was hopelessly trying to figure out what the hell a pascals triangle looked like. After about 30 minutes of intense and completely unproductive programming, i pushed the keyboard aside (with a passion i might add) and lay my head down on my extremely fluffy red jacket :D

two hours late, i awake, and realize that its two hours later. i decide to take this intense action to my bed(no innuendo intended...)

The computer labs and my bed are quite far apart... and this brings me to the highlight of my day - the walk home.

It was raining outside. It wasn't really raining, more like a sprinkle of little drops of awesomeness. The sky was white. People around me were going insane!(seeking refuge under umbrellas from this outraged idea of water falling from the sky) and i was walking home.

The leaves on the trees have started to turn a shade of yellow. Most of them had fallen off their branches. Now they just lay on the ground, covering the footpath. They looked tired and beat down by the sprinkle of awesomeness. To me, that just seemed straight up weak. but maybe I was looking at them all wrong... They lay on the footpath, still. No more swaying in the wind, no more work, no more anything...
just stillness.

And as i reflected on this thought, the most picturesque scene i could think of popped into my head...

"And as i reflected upon this extremely profound analogy that had probed me to self-conjure some insight, i stood still. The rain was still sprinkling(for the lack of a better word) and the people around me were still distraught with insanity, but i stood still. I closed my eyes and raised my head, pretending to look up into the heavens. Indeed it was all very picturesque :D"

However, i have come to realize that I am far from perfect, and this life is far from picturesque. So instead i quickened my step, and went straight to bed.

Indeed today was a sleepy day.

Extreme rant.. Inspiration ch 1. Kevin

Inspiration comes in different shapes and sizes... the next few lines are written because I was momentarily lifted very very high, and I need to remember that moment.

*

The first time I saw him, I was amazed. Well over six feet tall, athletic beyond measure - a man who clearly respected himself. He didn't say much to me, but in the few words that he did say, I knew he treated me with a certain respect as well... it was strange. I was nobody to him...

He stood on the court, silent. It was clear to see his compassion for the sport and his respect for the lines he stood within, but at that moment, he was still.
His focus was overwhelming.

*

Sometimes the spirit of sport doesn't lie in competition. Medals and trophies lose luster with time. A legacy can so easily be forgotten.

Sometimes it is enough to simply understand an art - to practice it, to culture yourself to grow with it, to discipline yourself to respect it.

An understanding that would last a lifetime, perhaps longer.

In his stillness, I saw that he was on a path of understanding, and I was inspired to join him.

You summed it up so simply.

"Just for fun man, just for fun"

here we go

so this is what life is like... nobody to wake you up in the morning.. nobody to do your laundry for you or get you lunch or make you a cup of coffee...

so this is what life is like... when nobody knows who you are.. nobody cares about who you are... invisible....

i had it easy... i had money in my pocket... a place to go to once in a while... someone to meet...

and yet i sit here, realizing how precious those goodnight kisses were....