Extreme Rant - after a long time - free falling

"Who can be wise, amaz'd, temp'rate, and furious, loyal and neutral, in a moment?"

i have lost myself.

some time ago, when i hadn't the need to think so much, i had a method to life. i had made up my mind that i would be the master of my emotions. by doing so, i became the master of my actions and reactions. I would not feel sadness. i would not feel stress. i would feed off my anger and i would be happy whenever i wanted.

I remember one particular day when nothing went right for me. I felt frustration creep into me, feel it pound on me from the inside. My temples pulsed furiously and my jaws were locked. However, i didn't only feel frustration. I felt a strong urge to break down. I felt the need of a mental shutdown even if it was for a moment..

that was exactly what followed...

after my momentary loss of all control over my emotions, i felt a sudden serene calmness within me. My mind was clear, as if someone had pushed a reset button in there. All i could do was close my eyes and fall limb. My muscles were relaxed and free. I could see happiness, touch sadness, feel emptiness, hear anger - it was like a drug

there is no theme here... nothing to really have an opinion on, unless one could relate with the immense rush of emotions that could be experienced at the same time...


I am not happy. I am not sad. I am not frustrated, or angry or wanting

I am all - a cocktail of emotions, like waves of different colors, splashing against each other...

i control my emotions and my emotions control me...