A little bit of truth...

This is a bit of a harsh post. And I'm not going to deny that there is much self loathing within it. But I'm going to write it anyway. Also, I'm writing this post in the first person. But try and imagine that you were this person. Read it as if you wrote it.

***

I used to love the first day of school in a new grade. Empty notebooks, fresh pages. To me it was like hitting a reset button on life. I get a chance to do over. But that's just some sort of illusion that I created and it worked because nobody really cares what a child does anyway. That's not how life works.

There comes a point in life where the things you do and say actually do matter. And there's never a reset button for a stupid decision. I'm saying this because I always imagined that I would make the right decisions. Everything would fall into place and I would have no regrets. That's really not how life works.

Life is messy. You make mistakes. Sometimes you learn from them, and sometimes you need to make that mistake again. It's messy though. Really messy. When you look back, it's just a shit show. You hurt people. People hurt you. And even though you know you're a better person than that, you can't help but have regrets. You would do over if you had a choice. You would do over because you are a better person than that. But that's not how life works.

And then I got to thinking. Why do I care so much about my perception both projected and reflective? Why do I dwell on these questions at all? And I keep coming back to this: What will they think?

I started this blog nearly seven years ago. I did it because it was hip at the time. But it excited me. It excited me that people would read and leave comments. I liked the attention. I took up music nearly ten years ago. It gave me a thrill to be on stage. To have people shout your name and cheer for you. I took up sports because subconsciously I knew that the sporty types were the cool cats. They were respected. They got the girls. Every time my name was called out at a school assembly, I loved it. I loved that feeling of being recognized. Put on display for everyone to see and talk about.

When I look back today, it seems that everything that I have done has been to get that little more affection. Doesn't matter if I create any real connections. I just need that feeling. I'm writing this post to get that feeling. I'll be coming back to it and checking the hit counter every hour. I'll read it to myself, and re-read it. It's shameless but it's true. And the truth is what it is... 

I like attention. I seek that attention. I like to know that people enjoy my company, and that people notice me. I like having loads of friends and knowing people. I like being relevant. Being that person that you can rely on.... and slowly I've become that person. I've become the person that would do or say anything to gain favour with you. I'll be your anything as long as you like me. 

And you will like me. I guarantee that. But you will never know who I really am.

Purpose

Have you ever reached a point in your life where you just run out of things? Run out of things to do, to say, to make, to be.. just run out? It's a strange feeling. Just blankness, both physically and mentally. Really strange....

I'm sitting at my desk at work, waiting on a meeting to start. I've done most of my to-do items for the morning, and now I find myself just sitting. I open up a web browser, and since I've been on a brief hiatus from the vortex that is FaceBook, I stare at Google, wondering what to do next. So I open up CraigsList and check out the Guitars and other instruments that people are selling. I fantasize a bit about moving out of my apartment and check out the Housing page for a bit. I'm already bored and it's occurring to me how useless I'm being. 

I attempt to think of creating a new project, or a list of things that I have to do. I come up with a few. Laundry, finish that painting... can't even remember the rest of the list.. that's how dreary it seems. The point I'm trying to get to here is this... I know that I haven't run out of things to do. I have shit tonnes of things to do. Some of them even fun things. But I still feel this looming sort of 'meh fuck it' feeling. 

It's a tough question to ask oneself... What is my purpose? What should I be doing with my life. What do I want to be doing with my life. What will make me happy right now? 

It's times like these that I turn to the wisdom of Denny Crane:

Denny Crane: Edwin Poole's problem is he doesn't like being Edwin Poole. From time to time he'd look in the mirror and ask, "What's the point?" I never do that. Questions like that'll kill you.

Alan Shore: Questions like, "What's the point?"

Denny Crane: Look--take you for example. Tomorrow, you're gonna go into court and argue that some little fat black kid should be able to play a little skinny white one. What's the point? You don't ask-that's the point.

I don't have any answers here... only this feeling... I feel that a change in some way is needed... lets try that first :).

24 Hours

You know how some people say, "I just have no time, I'm so busy!"... or maybe at some point in your life you've said it too? I know I have. And every time I've said it, I've been lying....

I always have time to do things. Things that I want to do, or even things that I should be doing. I've got time to go to the gym or to make a new painting, or to practice some drums or to do all of those things that I should be doing. But instead I lie in bed and do nothing. I watch TV shows from start to finish, I rearrange the things in my room and call it 'cleaning up', and the best one of them all, Facebook time. 

I think we all are really busy, just not necessarily busy 'doing things'. Our minds are so switched on nearly all of the time that we just feel exhausted. At least I do. I'm so super connected with the world, and I'm taking in so much information (mostly useless internet things), that I feel like yes, I am so busy and I just have no time at all! I have to be constantly checking my three emails, my WhatsApp, Facebook, Skype, SMS and on and on and on. If I were to figure out how to use this Twitter thing and Instagram, my brain would probably explode. If someone is trying to get in touch with me, twenty different electronic devices start frantically buzzing and beeping. I mean what insanity is that! Just think! Thats fucking insane!!

I don't think it's that sinful to be connected online, or to procrastinate or just be lazy. I think that it hurts more when we start doing these things unconsciously. When we are unaware of exactly how much time we spend burning energy while we think that 'this is downtime'. 

Nobody can be a hundred percent productive. Nobody can spend 24 meaningful hours everyday. So these are a few questions that I start asking myself today: I have 24 hours today. How much of that time do I need to be switched on, and what do I need to do so that I can switch off. Do I absolutely need to be connected at every conscious moment, and if I do, then how much energy is that taking away from me? 

Honestly, I don't want to be counting hours and keeping track of every single thing that I did or did not do. We are constantly under this pressure to DO things in our lives, to become somebody, to avoid fading into oblivion. That's a lot of fucking pressure man. Damn. I guess I'll get to it after this episode of Suits. 

One Year On - Chapter 1-Point-Restart

It has been exactly 52 weeks since my last blog post here, and for someone who has spent a reasonable amount of time studying numbers and the beauty in symmetry,  it feels like a good time to write something.

I've grown up a little. I've done some life things, and I feel like my perspective on life has changed quite a bit. Next month will be five years in Canada. Looking back, It's really been a story of ups and downs, and it's always true what they say; you always remember the downtimes, and so easily forget the good times. I think looking back and reminiscing on ones achievements is healthy, but it's also important to have the ability to have your failures close to you to push you to be better and better and better.

I work now. Desking, at a computer for a good portion of my day, with the reality of tasks, and the unwanted luxury of time to think.  I think that the one thing that has drastically changed my attitude, is how I have to set my own goals now. Life goals. Character defining ambitions and dreams. There's no basketball tournament to train for. There are no final exams to study for. Those were all just pseudo goals getting you ready for this moment. The moment that you realize that it's all open court now. Anything goes, and you are your only pagemaster. You dictate the plot, the strife, the reward, and if you're lucky, the character you will play. You might not know the twists and turns yet, but you have the power to always write another page.