Purpose

Have you ever reached a point in your life where you just run out of things? Run out of things to do, to say, to make, to be.. just run out? It's a strange feeling. Just blankness, both physically and mentally. Really strange....

I'm sitting at my desk at work, waiting on a meeting to start. I've done most of my to-do items for the morning, and now I find myself just sitting. I open up a web browser, and since I've been on a brief hiatus from the vortex that is FaceBook, I stare at Google, wondering what to do next. So I open up CraigsList and check out the Guitars and other instruments that people are selling. I fantasize a bit about moving out of my apartment and check out the Housing page for a bit. I'm already bored and it's occurring to me how useless I'm being. 

I attempt to think of creating a new project, or a list of things that I have to do. I come up with a few. Laundry, finish that painting... can't even remember the rest of the list.. that's how dreary it seems. The point I'm trying to get to here is this... I know that I haven't run out of things to do. I have shit tonnes of things to do. Some of them even fun things. But I still feel this looming sort of 'meh fuck it' feeling. 

It's a tough question to ask oneself... What is my purpose? What should I be doing with my life. What do I want to be doing with my life. What will make me happy right now? 

It's times like these that I turn to the wisdom of Denny Crane:

Denny Crane: Edwin Poole's problem is he doesn't like being Edwin Poole. From time to time he'd look in the mirror and ask, "What's the point?" I never do that. Questions like that'll kill you.

Alan Shore: Questions like, "What's the point?"

Denny Crane: Look--take you for example. Tomorrow, you're gonna go into court and argue that some little fat black kid should be able to play a little skinny white one. What's the point? You don't ask-that's the point.

I don't have any answers here... only this feeling... I feel that a change in some way is needed... lets try that first :).

24 Hours

You know how some people say, "I just have no time, I'm so busy!"... or maybe at some point in your life you've said it too? I know I have. And every time I've said it, I've been lying....

I always have time to do things. Things that I want to do, or even things that I should be doing. I've got time to go to the gym or to make a new painting, or to practice some drums or to do all of those things that I should be doing. But instead I lie in bed and do nothing. I watch TV shows from start to finish, I rearrange the things in my room and call it 'cleaning up', and the best one of them all, Facebook time. 

I think we all are really busy, just not necessarily busy 'doing things'. Our minds are so switched on nearly all of the time that we just feel exhausted. At least I do. I'm so super connected with the world, and I'm taking in so much information (mostly useless internet things), that I feel like yes, I am so busy and I just have no time at all! I have to be constantly checking my three emails, my WhatsApp, Facebook, Skype, SMS and on and on and on. If I were to figure out how to use this Twitter thing and Instagram, my brain would probably explode. If someone is trying to get in touch with me, twenty different electronic devices start frantically buzzing and beeping. I mean what insanity is that! Just think! Thats fucking insane!!

I don't think it's that sinful to be connected online, or to procrastinate or just be lazy. I think that it hurts more when we start doing these things unconsciously. When we are unaware of exactly how much time we spend burning energy while we think that 'this is downtime'. 

Nobody can be a hundred percent productive. Nobody can spend 24 meaningful hours everyday. So these are a few questions that I start asking myself today: I have 24 hours today. How much of that time do I need to be switched on, and what do I need to do so that I can switch off. Do I absolutely need to be connected at every conscious moment, and if I do, then how much energy is that taking away from me? 

Honestly, I don't want to be counting hours and keeping track of every single thing that I did or did not do. We are constantly under this pressure to DO things in our lives, to become somebody, to avoid fading into oblivion. That's a lot of fucking pressure man. Damn. I guess I'll get to it after this episode of Suits. 

One Year On - Chapter 1-Point-Restart

It has been exactly 52 weeks since my last blog post here, and for someone who has spent a reasonable amount of time studying numbers and the beauty in symmetry,  it feels like a good time to write something.

I've grown up a little. I've done some life things, and I feel like my perspective on life has changed quite a bit. Next month will be five years in Canada. Looking back, It's really been a story of ups and downs, and it's always true what they say; you always remember the downtimes, and so easily forget the good times. I think looking back and reminiscing on ones achievements is healthy, but it's also important to have the ability to have your failures close to you to push you to be better and better and better.

I work now. Desking, at a computer for a good portion of my day, with the reality of tasks, and the unwanted luxury of time to think.  I think that the one thing that has drastically changed my attitude, is how I have to set my own goals now. Life goals. Character defining ambitions and dreams. There's no basketball tournament to train for. There are no final exams to study for. Those were all just pseudo goals getting you ready for this moment. The moment that you realize that it's all open court now. Anything goes, and you are your only pagemaster. You dictate the plot, the strife, the reward, and if you're lucky, the character you will play. You might not know the twists and turns yet, but you have the power to always write another page.

Something About The Blues

You know how people say, "Life is like a blahh blahh blaahh blahhh bladebladeblah..." Well, I try to refrain from talk like that as much as I can, mostly for aesthetic reasons, and also so as to not sound like a pretentious prick. But then people who think about sounding like a pretentious prick mostly always are pretentious pricks anyway, and they are just afraid of other people noticing... oh well...

Life is like the blues. It's a quicky and it's a slow swing. It's about love but mostly about love lost. It's about tragedy and sadness, and at the same time, it's about the triumph of the soul.

Life is like the blues. Mostly up, and mostly down. Simple and yet so very intricate. Life is consumed in the smokey basement jazz rooms with scotch on ice and a woman on your arm. Life is a long meditation, a contemplation of things beyond understanding, but audible in the slow soft backbeats on the snare, and that understated double kick, just reminding you every once in a while, to breath. And all the time, the cymbals keep in time, pushing and pushing and pushing this beat to the next and the next, just like time itself.

Life is that fleeting thought on the piano, those notes running away on the guitar. A sad note held, only to be broken by an orgasmic shrill of the sax.  Things so difficult to express. Concepts like love, life, betrayal and happiness, so easily communicated in those notes. Everything you need to know about life is right there, in between those keys and frets. All you have to do is listen.

Keep on writing.. never stop writing.... ladedadedadedaa

It seems that with the saturation of the internet, spaces like this one have become near to obsolete... like an old shoddy desktop computer that you bought ten years ago and even though you now have a fancy iMac, you still keep that desktop computer up in a cupboard somewhere to watch it's slide into oblivion. Yes I know what you're thinking... that analogy turned very dark very quickly... well it's just one of those days I guess.. deal with it.

While we are on the subject though, I've been thinking a lot about this sort of past translating into present kind of thing. I guess I'm in the the phase of my life where I have to figure out what comes next... but the 'next' bit is the rest of my life... which makes it a little more interesting to think about. So I look back at what was before, and as one would like, try to find a progressing trend of things that would hint towards the future.

So there's what I study, which is kinda boring... then there's the fun stuff like writing this stuff, which wouldn't really pay much... so what's left? It doesn't really help that the entire professional world seems to flip with every whimsical trend. Yesterday it was "Lawyer, Doctor, Engineer". Today it is "Businessman, IT guy, Consultant". I know you can say that one mustn't get swept with the trends and one must find salvation within and be content with that self reflection, but NO! I want to be influenced. Also! What's wrong with old school? What's wrong with using a typewriter or a record player or a film camera. They are simple, mechanical and intuitive! Not like this devil's box of a contraption that is my laptop! How can anyone ever be bothered to look into it... the screws are sooo tiny! and even when I do open it up it makes no sense to me whatsoever!!! Damn you fancy fucking smartphones and all this voodoo wirelessness! Seriously what the fuck is our obsession with technology! There are no fucking answers in the silicone bumps... just fucking confusion and misery... well for some atleast... well ok maybe just for me... meh...

Aah I digress.. we were at the what's left part. That's where I'm stuck. Oh well.. maybe this summer of contemplation will have some answers..