Do you ever feel like there are some days that you just don't feel like yourself... its one of those feelings that you cant really describe, but ill try anyway....
i feel like there's this huge rock sitting on my chest, and it keeps getting heavier and heavier. I feel like its impossible to carry my own weight anymore... i don't control the words i say, the things i do...
I miss you, who ever you are, wherever you are... i need you right now
Thursday, May 8, 2008
Thursday, April 24, 2008
Extreme Rant Volume 2 billion Ch 1... Dear Sir,
'Are you afraid sir?'
'Afraid of what?'
'Afraid sir, of being inadequate. Afraid that you have come this far, and you find that there is someone stronger, faster, smarter than you are. Afraid that even though you are in the right place at the right time, you really are not.'
'All the time.'
'Are you hurt sir?'
'Hurt?'
'Yes sir, hurt. Hurt that while you lay to rest at night, there is someone out there who is sweating blood to be better than you. Hurt that nothing ever works out the way you imagine. Hurt that you are alone.'
'I guess I am...'
'So then why do you do it sir? Why do you continue down this road of fallacy and hopelessness? Why don't you just give up?'
'I... I don't know...'
'Afraid of what?'
'Afraid sir, of being inadequate. Afraid that you have come this far, and you find that there is someone stronger, faster, smarter than you are. Afraid that even though you are in the right place at the right time, you really are not.'
'All the time.'
'Are you hurt sir?'
'Hurt?'
'Yes sir, hurt. Hurt that while you lay to rest at night, there is someone out there who is sweating blood to be better than you. Hurt that nothing ever works out the way you imagine. Hurt that you are alone.'
'I guess I am...'
'So then why do you do it sir? Why do you continue down this road of fallacy and hopelessness? Why don't you just give up?'
'I... I don't know...'
Thursday, April 17, 2008
American Idol Season 7 What I Think!!
Aight.. i need to do this post now because i fear it will be too late in 6 weeks time... This post is my attempt to knock some sense into anyone who comes to this page and doesnot agree with this post (i think that about covers everyone).
Im going to keep this short and sweet... here are my top five american idol performances and my top four contestants this year... and i doubt the latter list will change...
Contestants:
4. Syesha Mercado (Yes, he said it)
3. Carly Smithson
2. Michael Johns
1. David Cook
Performances:
5. Michael Johns - We Are The Champions - Week 3
4. Syesha Mercado - I Will Always Love You - Week 4
3. Carly Smithson - Come Together - Week 1
2. Michael Johns - It's All Wrong - Week 4
1. (drum roll) David Cook - Billie Jean - Week 3
I dare anyone to disagree!!! muahahahahaha
Im going to keep this short and sweet... here are my top five american idol performances and my top four contestants this year... and i doubt the latter list will change...
Contestants:
4. Syesha Mercado (Yes, he said it)
3. Carly Smithson
2. Michael Johns
1. David Cook
Performances:
5. Michael Johns - We Are The Champions - Week 3
4. Syesha Mercado - I Will Always Love You - Week 4
3. Carly Smithson - Come Together - Week 1
2. Michael Johns - It's All Wrong - Week 4
1. (drum roll) David Cook - Billie Jean - Week 3
I dare anyone to disagree!!! muahahahahaha
Saturday, April 12, 2008
Never Meant To Be.....Really LONG POST No. 1...
have you ever thought that some things were never meant to be? I guess its easier to dismis those things as a written in our fate rather than to accept them as somethin that we could have controled... i guess fate is another word for the past...
The next few of my posts are going to be some essays that i had written for college applications...here is the first one
Write an essay in which you tell us about someone who has made an impact on your life and explain how and why this person is important to you:
The summer of 2007, I decided to join a group called the Special Family Support group. I got the opportunity to work with children with special needs. During this time, I met a very special girl. Leah is eight years old and she has multi-sensory disorder.
Leah affected me from the moment we met. I spent most of my summer with her, in silent conversation. The words that she couldn’t say were amplified in her silence, and thus they had twice the effect on me. I heard her thoughts and not her words. What did we talk about? We talked about everything, from her freedom to her institutionalization. We talked about the sun and the stars, the air and the rain. She had an unadulterated innocence that was magnetic. I feel special because I am able to see something special within Leah. This is what makes my bond with her so strong.
In today’s fast paced world, it has become increasingly easy for us to dismiss our surroundings. We see and hear what we wish to and so we are trapped within this illusion that is created by our own egos. Today, we don’t have time to stop and listen. We can’t even find time to pause for a moment and observe the beauty that surrounds us. We have lost that strong human instinct of curiosity. Leah has all the time in the world, and all she wants to do is listen. All she wants to do is see nature in its true beauty, and in that, she becomes a part of nature. Leah inspires me to look deep within myself and to find my own light. She inspires me to move others around me, not with meaningless words, but with my thoughts and actions.
Leah is important to me not only because she has touched me at such a profoundly deep level, but also because she has shown me that my life is much more than a mundane day to day experience. Her attitude towards living is something that everyone can learn from. She is not burdened by the setbacks that she faces. She does not let her physical being affect her and this is why I believe that Leah is such a strong character at a much deeper level.
I have changed a lot since my encounter with Leah. I have become more aware and in tune with the people around me. Now, I am able to express myself more freely. Furthermore, I am able to better assess my own character because I am not burdened with the superficial expectations of society. There will always be barriers and restrictions that will prevent me from allowing these deep emotions to overwhelm me. I am ready to accept my social obligations and responsibilities. However, these barriers do not exist within me and I know that at my core, my soul will always be free, forever learning, forever experiencing and forever feeling, just like Leah.
The next few of my posts are going to be some essays that i had written for college applications...here is the first one
Write an essay in which you tell us about someone who has made an impact on your life and explain how and why this person is important to you:
The summer of 2007, I decided to join a group called the Special Family Support group. I got the opportunity to work with children with special needs. During this time, I met a very special girl. Leah is eight years old and she has multi-sensory disorder.
Leah affected me from the moment we met. I spent most of my summer with her, in silent conversation. The words that she couldn’t say were amplified in her silence, and thus they had twice the effect on me. I heard her thoughts and not her words. What did we talk about? We talked about everything, from her freedom to her institutionalization. We talked about the sun and the stars, the air and the rain. She had an unadulterated innocence that was magnetic. I feel special because I am able to see something special within Leah. This is what makes my bond with her so strong.
In today’s fast paced world, it has become increasingly easy for us to dismiss our surroundings. We see and hear what we wish to and so we are trapped within this illusion that is created by our own egos. Today, we don’t have time to stop and listen. We can’t even find time to pause for a moment and observe the beauty that surrounds us. We have lost that strong human instinct of curiosity. Leah has all the time in the world, and all she wants to do is listen. All she wants to do is see nature in its true beauty, and in that, she becomes a part of nature. Leah inspires me to look deep within myself and to find my own light. She inspires me to move others around me, not with meaningless words, but with my thoughts and actions.
Leah is important to me not only because she has touched me at such a profoundly deep level, but also because she has shown me that my life is much more than a mundane day to day experience. Her attitude towards living is something that everyone can learn from. She is not burdened by the setbacks that she faces. She does not let her physical being affect her and this is why I believe that Leah is such a strong character at a much deeper level.
I have changed a lot since my encounter with Leah. I have become more aware and in tune with the people around me. Now, I am able to express myself more freely. Furthermore, I am able to better assess my own character because I am not burdened with the superficial expectations of society. There will always be barriers and restrictions that will prevent me from allowing these deep emotions to overwhelm me. I am ready to accept my social obligations and responsibilities. However, these barriers do not exist within me and I know that at my core, my soul will always be free, forever learning, forever experiencing and forever feeling, just like Leah.
Monday, March 24, 2008
The Day After Today
My exams are over. Comp was ok, chem was aight, evs was evs. They were exams. They don’t deserve their own posts. Stupid exams.
I've had a lot of time on my hands to think and reflect on a lot of things that I generally don’t notice or rather bother to think and reflect about normally. Most of these thoughts are temporary whims that I can't remember even 10 minutes after I have thought them, although I do believe them to be worthwhile solely for the fact that I am thinking them in the first place and the hesitations that is outwardly shown does not exist inwardly. *I’m sorry people but this is a rant... if you are beginning to get a headache now, either stop, or take an aspirin and continue*
When I try to write down what I think, it's never perfect because I know that even though I know that the words that I need to say what I want exist, they fleet me in a horrendous traitorous manner and leave me dry with what I have in hand. Then, I shall try to do with what I have for there is no choice left at this point in time and space.
The questions that entice my thoughts are generally unfathomable to begin with, but they do provoke me to think about other things. This time in my life is supposed to be enriched with intense emotions from deep memories and the conclusion of what is supposed to be a chapter in the book that is my life. Why do I feel no different? Yesterday I was trying to put together this crazy puzzle that is my life, and today I am doing it all over again, and I know that I’ll be doing it again tomorrow. I don’t feel at all for my school life, and for the first 17 years and 9 months of my life. The past has become near meaningless and suddenly I am falling into this pit of routine. The things that I do may be different. The people might be new and the mannerism of living might change, but I feel the same.
Don't get me wrong.... I hardly feel suicidal. I enjoy living my life and being happy (most of the time). In fact I sometimes enjoy sadness and loneliness as well. But I sometimes question whether my life would be anything more than just that. I feel like a video game that has been played ruthlessly enough to become predictable, a TV show that carves out definite characters who are forced to take a stand and have an opinion on everything. There IS a flame that burns inside of me, longing for something more than this excuse for a meaningful life. I could accomplish and conquer anything that I want and I know it, but where will I ever find my own true pricelessness.
I'm through pretending that I’m satisfied with this life. I want more and I’m not afraid to ask for it. I want to be optimistic so I will be and damn you all who think this cry is a false lullaby to calm my own senses. Today I issue a warning to the world. Be prepared, because when I come at you, you will be shocked. You will be terrified and you will be awed.
If there is truth in the saying that the brightest flame burns the quickest, then I shall take my stand now. But I ask only one thing from you. Let me burn the brightest that I can. LET me shine.
I've had a lot of time on my hands to think and reflect on a lot of things that I generally don’t notice or rather bother to think and reflect about normally. Most of these thoughts are temporary whims that I can't remember even 10 minutes after I have thought them, although I do believe them to be worthwhile solely for the fact that I am thinking them in the first place and the hesitations that is outwardly shown does not exist inwardly. *I’m sorry people but this is a rant... if you are beginning to get a headache now, either stop, or take an aspirin and continue*
When I try to write down what I think, it's never perfect because I know that even though I know that the words that I need to say what I want exist, they fleet me in a horrendous traitorous manner and leave me dry with what I have in hand. Then, I shall try to do with what I have for there is no choice left at this point in time and space.
The questions that entice my thoughts are generally unfathomable to begin with, but they do provoke me to think about other things. This time in my life is supposed to be enriched with intense emotions from deep memories and the conclusion of what is supposed to be a chapter in the book that is my life. Why do I feel no different? Yesterday I was trying to put together this crazy puzzle that is my life, and today I am doing it all over again, and I know that I’ll be doing it again tomorrow. I don’t feel at all for my school life, and for the first 17 years and 9 months of my life. The past has become near meaningless and suddenly I am falling into this pit of routine. The things that I do may be different. The people might be new and the mannerism of living might change, but I feel the same.
Don't get me wrong.... I hardly feel suicidal. I enjoy living my life and being happy (most of the time). In fact I sometimes enjoy sadness and loneliness as well. But I sometimes question whether my life would be anything more than just that. I feel like a video game that has been played ruthlessly enough to become predictable, a TV show that carves out definite characters who are forced to take a stand and have an opinion on everything. There IS a flame that burns inside of me, longing for something more than this excuse for a meaningful life. I could accomplish and conquer anything that I want and I know it, but where will I ever find my own true pricelessness.
I'm through pretending that I’m satisfied with this life. I want more and I’m not afraid to ask for it. I want to be optimistic so I will be and damn you all who think this cry is a false lullaby to calm my own senses. Today I issue a warning to the world. Be prepared, because when I come at you, you will be shocked. You will be terrified and you will be awed.
If there is truth in the saying that the brightest flame burns the quickest, then I shall take my stand now. But I ask only one thing from you. Let me burn the brightest that I can. LET me shine.
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