Extreme Rant Vol. umm,... lost

He sat and stared at me from across the small living room. The silence was building and i knew that he was going to tell me something that i didn't want to hear. He looked down, his eyes closed, and then as if unsatisfied with his search for the right words, he looks at me and says, " I dont like your attitude. i think you are arrogant and disrespectful. right now, if you continue to act this way, you will go nowhere."

Have you ever had to listen to the truth? You know that its going to hurt, and you know that you made the decisions that lead to to this situation. now you have to hear it and its going to stink.

So often i brag about my goal in life. I talk of this journey of self discovery and understanding. how i want to know and understand myself better so that i can come closer to answering that almighty question...

Who am i?


Today, I've lost myself. I've been searching so hard that I've slipped and fallen on the ground that has carried me thus far. How do i feel? I feel blind. Blind because in every direction i turn, there is no answer.... because i don't know whether my decisions are responsible anymore.... because i have failed to see myself. I have let my mind slip, and every time i catch it again... i begin to lose grip of it once more...

silence is temporary... i have to get up and walk away from that flame, because theres always something to do next.

the end of an awesome journey

Have you ever come to the end of something. The end of a fun evening... the end of a donut... you get what i mean...

well today i came to the end of something. I came to the end of my basketball career in my school. And even though its been quite an uneventful day, i feel overwhelmed with emotions. I remember my first few days playing basketball at modern.... i was the smallest player on the court, and still hold that reputation :D

It has been a long journey. People have left, and people have arrived. Connections were made, and connections were broken as well. In the midst of this all, i have managed to be a quite part of it all, and i have had the privilege to experience the best and the worst of it all.

I might not have found any gold at the end of this rainbow, but i know that i have achieved something much greater. for those 40 odd minutes that i was on the basketball court... whether we were winning or losing, i felt like I was on cloud nine. I felt uplifted and nothing in the world could bring me down. It was and still is my calling. It doesn't matter if any other person appreciates that... it doesn't even matter if i go on to do great things for the sport. all that matters is that i know that i believed in myself. i know that it felt right...


thats all that matters to me....

thanks guys for a great year of basketball.

Extreme Rant - after a long time - free falling

"Who can be wise, amaz'd, temp'rate, and furious, loyal and neutral, in a moment?"

i have lost myself.

some time ago, when i hadn't the need to think so much, i had a method to life. i had made up my mind that i would be the master of my emotions. by doing so, i became the master of my actions and reactions. I would not feel sadness. i would not feel stress. i would feed off my anger and i would be happy whenever i wanted.

I remember one particular day when nothing went right for me. I felt frustration creep into me, feel it pound on me from the inside. My temples pulsed furiously and my jaws were locked. However, i didn't only feel frustration. I felt a strong urge to break down. I felt the need of a mental shutdown even if it was for a moment..

that was exactly what followed...

after my momentary loss of all control over my emotions, i felt a sudden serene calmness within me. My mind was clear, as if someone had pushed a reset button in there. All i could do was close my eyes and fall limb. My muscles were relaxed and free. I could see happiness, touch sadness, feel emptiness, hear anger - it was like a drug

there is no theme here... nothing to really have an opinion on, unless one could relate with the immense rush of emotions that could be experienced at the same time...


I am not happy. I am not sad. I am not frustrated, or angry or wanting

I am all - a cocktail of emotions, like waves of different colors, splashing against each other...

i control my emotions and my emotions control me...

DOH! oh well..............

ive grown up.... crap!

i had avoided it up to this point, but it just happened without any warning.Truth is, i never had control over it(whatever it is)... its just one of those things that happens without you even noticing, one of those things that just falls into place by itself. Of course its a culmination of all the small instances that i have experienced and it will be one endlesssss process which begins and ends int the 'now', getting more and more dull as time passes by....

But i don't want to lose myself. I don't want to lose that kid that defines me because that is who i really am. And so i shall forever hold on to donuts and empty ink cartridges, because i know that when i do lose him, i would become the equivalent of a deep fried sareli bengan.... n i don't wanna be a deep fried sareli bengan

i believe that everything happens or dosen't happen for a reason... be it growing up, or being at a certain place at a certain time... or just simply being. because i believe that if i can unconsciously do something like grow up... imagine all the other stuff that im doing, scheming and thinking of without me even knowing it myself!! i could have a master plan to take over the world and i would never know it.....

maybe these are the real strings that control our lives.... maybe we dont really have control over anything... the decisions we make.. the path we choose... all already done at a deeeeeep subconscious level... and all we gotsa do is say the words


well... i have complete faith in.... umm ... i dont know what yet... but i know that everythings gonna be alright.....its just meant to be

*sigh* :P twinkle

"it went off well", i said to myself. "I'd give it about an eight on ten. Maybe i could have done better. Maybe i shouldnt have made that comment. That awkward silence is still ringing in my head, but i recovered well."

"Hi. I know you dont know me. Heck i dont even know you, but is that what matters here? I saw a twinkle in you eyes. I know that says more than any conversation. Can't you see that too?". She stares back at me, confuddled by the goofyness of the situation. My fate at her disposal, she opens her mouth to say something but stops. She tries again, but sighs instead. She smiles in confusion/fascination.

"I think im in love with you". I sigh and look at her in hopelessness. What a fool i am! I'm not in love with her! Such a Fool!

"I mean, uh... thats not...not what i mean. Umm... me.. the i.. twinkle... *sigh*"



She looks at me thoughtfully.

"I understand"