Extreme Rant - Amalgamation

have you ever felt like the world around you is falling apart. just like a bad dream or a really horrible movie that you dont really want to watch, things begin to go wrong. theres this intense feeling of lonliness as if you are the only one who can see these things around you fall apart. nobody can understand the feeling i feel right now. i am the only one who feels it. others could feel the same way as i do. they could experience the same twist of emotions, but there is only one me. you cannot be me and feel this.

sympathy is hard to come by in a world of shameful silence. i type these words being an utmost hypocrite. a cynic and a useless bystander... chosing not to do anything about it...

when had i made this choice?

have you ever felt like you are missing out? the intensity of an mp3 recording is near to lifeless. the songs on the radio seem to forever be trapped. the winds seem restricted.... the rain falls with permission... so whats left? why does time play these tricks with me. i know that nobody belongs to time... and yet we all do belong to time... why does it tempt me with things it cannot give me?

everytime i jump, i come back to the ground. two feet high... maybe a few more inches... and then i return. one second... maybe another moment... and then i return.

everything that leaves the ground must return, a law discovered by a man who sat under an apple tree. it was nature that showed him the light....

who is nature? can i befriend nature, request her to change her laws... to make an exception.

i have gone through this moment so many times in my head. i dream about it, even when im not asleep... and yet i dont want it bad enough. if i wanted it so much... if i needed it... i would grab it with both hands, because i can see it...

it lies on a shelf... 10 feet above my head...

so now i stand at a junction and i ask you... whoever you are... to give me strenght
give me strength to rise above myself... to flood this land with the awesome passion that fills me...
or else drain me... drain me and my spirit and my soul... for i shall be worth nothing but dry dust that covers the walls in eternal wait.

Ramble On

New Year's Resolutions:
1. To be awesome.
2. To fly.

Extreme Rant Vol. umm,... lost

He sat and stared at me from across the small living room. The silence was building and i knew that he was going to tell me something that i didn't want to hear. He looked down, his eyes closed, and then as if unsatisfied with his search for the right words, he looks at me and says, " I dont like your attitude. i think you are arrogant and disrespectful. right now, if you continue to act this way, you will go nowhere."

Have you ever had to listen to the truth? You know that its going to hurt, and you know that you made the decisions that lead to to this situation. now you have to hear it and its going to stink.

So often i brag about my goal in life. I talk of this journey of self discovery and understanding. how i want to know and understand myself better so that i can come closer to answering that almighty question...

Who am i?


Today, I've lost myself. I've been searching so hard that I've slipped and fallen on the ground that has carried me thus far. How do i feel? I feel blind. Blind because in every direction i turn, there is no answer.... because i don't know whether my decisions are responsible anymore.... because i have failed to see myself. I have let my mind slip, and every time i catch it again... i begin to lose grip of it once more...

silence is temporary... i have to get up and walk away from that flame, because theres always something to do next.

the end of an awesome journey

Have you ever come to the end of something. The end of a fun evening... the end of a donut... you get what i mean...

well today i came to the end of something. I came to the end of my basketball career in my school. And even though its been quite an uneventful day, i feel overwhelmed with emotions. I remember my first few days playing basketball at modern.... i was the smallest player on the court, and still hold that reputation :D

It has been a long journey. People have left, and people have arrived. Connections were made, and connections were broken as well. In the midst of this all, i have managed to be a quite part of it all, and i have had the privilege to experience the best and the worst of it all.

I might not have found any gold at the end of this rainbow, but i know that i have achieved something much greater. for those 40 odd minutes that i was on the basketball court... whether we were winning or losing, i felt like I was on cloud nine. I felt uplifted and nothing in the world could bring me down. It was and still is my calling. It doesn't matter if any other person appreciates that... it doesn't even matter if i go on to do great things for the sport. all that matters is that i know that i believed in myself. i know that it felt right...


thats all that matters to me....

thanks guys for a great year of basketball.

Extreme Rant - after a long time - free falling

"Who can be wise, amaz'd, temp'rate, and furious, loyal and neutral, in a moment?"

i have lost myself.

some time ago, when i hadn't the need to think so much, i had a method to life. i had made up my mind that i would be the master of my emotions. by doing so, i became the master of my actions and reactions. I would not feel sadness. i would not feel stress. i would feed off my anger and i would be happy whenever i wanted.

I remember one particular day when nothing went right for me. I felt frustration creep into me, feel it pound on me from the inside. My temples pulsed furiously and my jaws were locked. However, i didn't only feel frustration. I felt a strong urge to break down. I felt the need of a mental shutdown even if it was for a moment..

that was exactly what followed...

after my momentary loss of all control over my emotions, i felt a sudden serene calmness within me. My mind was clear, as if someone had pushed a reset button in there. All i could do was close my eyes and fall limb. My muscles were relaxed and free. I could see happiness, touch sadness, feel emptiness, hear anger - it was like a drug

there is no theme here... nothing to really have an opinion on, unless one could relate with the immense rush of emotions that could be experienced at the same time...


I am not happy. I am not sad. I am not frustrated, or angry or wanting

I am all - a cocktail of emotions, like waves of different colors, splashing against each other...

i control my emotions and my emotions control me...